Embracing the Strengths of Neurodivergence in Relationships

The term neurodivergent was coined in the 1990s by Judy Singer, a sociologist, to explain the natural variations of the human brain. There are several definitions for neurodivergence, but for the context of this post, it refers to individuals whose brain differences affect how their brain functions. This may be differences in how an individual learns, communicates, and perceives the environment and their social preferences. Individuals who identify as being neurodivergent may be on the Autism Spectrum, have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or Dyslexia, among many others.

Neurodivergence encompasses various perspectives and experiences, which may differ from conventional societal norms. As a counsellor, I recognize the unique assets it brings to relationships. Rather than focusing solely on challenges, let's explore how neurodivergent traits can enrich and enhance our connections. We can refer to these traits as strengths or forces!

Perspective:

In relationships, neurodivergent thinking styles may produce differing viewpoints that offer a richness and depth that can complement those of their partners, co-workers, and friends.

We each have prevalent ways of thinking.  As an example, you may engage in dichotomous thinking or catastrophizing among many others. These modes of thinking are seen in, and experienced by, some neurodivergent individuals. Dichotomous thinking is another name for “black and white” thinking that categorizes the world and others as “good or bad”. Catastrophizing occurs when you have difficulty weighing the likelihood of a certain outcome and believe terrible outcomes are extremely likely. In contrast, some individuals approach situations dialectically, resulting in a harmony of opposing viewpoints.

The ability to have this diversity of thought fosters deeper understanding and empathy within relationships, leading to exceptional problem-solving and greater appreciation for differing perspectives. Problems can be approached from unconventional angles, and innovative solutions can be cultivated.

Passions/interests:

Neurodivergent individuals often exhibit intense focus and expertise in specific areas of interest. This expertise may elicit insights others might overlook. This depth of knowledge not only enriches your own life but also inspires curiosity and exploration in relationships. By sharing their passions, neurodivergent individuals can ignite a sense of motivation and joy in those around them, fostering mutual growth and connection.

Authentic Communication:

Neurodivergent individuals often exhibit communication styles characterized by directness and honesty. While this may initially trigger defensiveness in some, it fosters an environment of authenticity. As a result, it encourages those in relationship with a neurodivergent individual to embrace vulnerability and express their genuine thoughts and emotions openly.

Determination and Resilience:

Navigating societal norms and expectations can be challenging for neurodivergent individuals, often leading to feelings of exhaustion and the need to mask one's true self. However, this journey may cultivate a significant sense of determination and resilience. Overcoming adversities strengthens you and enables you to view setbacks as opportunities for growth. As Ralph Waldo Emerson aptly said, “To be yourself in a world that is trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Navigating relationships can be complex, particularly for individuals who are neurodivergent. The unique wiring of their brains may lead to struggles with emotional regulation, magnifying the intensity of their emotional experiences. For instance, impulsive decision-making, over stimulation, and challenges maintaining focus can make it especially tough to remain connected to emotions during times of overwhelm. However, learning and practicing tools for emotional regulation can significantly improve one’s ability to manage emotions in congruence with personal goals and values.

A Tool for Managing Escalating Emotions in Relationships:

One tool that I’ve found particularly helpful for people who identify as neurodivergent to manage escalating emotions in any relationship is a technique called relational mindfulness, rooted in Relational Life Therapy which was pioneered by Terry Real.

Relational mindfulness is a practice where you bring your attention to the present moment and adopt a “Stop, Breathe, Think, and Choose” approach before reacting. This practice emphasizes activating the mature, present-oriented, functional adult part of oneself, associated with rational thought and planning rather than the reactive, emotionally driven, child part.

Before engaging in conversations loaded with heightened emotions, it is beneficial to discern which part of oneself is driving the interaction, the adult or child part. Questions such as, “Am I remembering that I love/like this person? Is the reason I’m speaking to make things better?” or “How will this affect my friend/co-worker/partner?” can guide this process of self-reflection. By navigating these inquiries internally, you can access a mindset conducive to constructive communication and relational harmony.

To Learn More

As a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the Panorama Wellness Group, I recognize the forces of perspective, passion, communication, and determination that neurodivergent individuals may bring to their relationships.

During our sessions, you can expect me to inquire about your needs. Specifically, your comfortability in the environment, considering the lighting, noise, and temperature. I provide fidget toys or welcome you to bring your own items that promote relaxation. I offer walk and talk sessions allowing for reduced eye contact and for those who enjoy movement. Your priorities guide our sessions, and adequate time is dedicated to developing a strong therapeutic relationship.

If you're interested in learning more, please reach out through the Panorama Wellness Group. We can set up a free 15-minute phone consultation or a full session so that you can see if we are a good fit and to explore your counselling goals/intentions.

I offer in-person and virtual counselling for youth and adults at our Langley office. To learn about me and the services I provide, please visit my bio here: https://panoramawellness.ca/jodi-bridges.