Strengthening Boundary Setting through Journaling
The word boundaries mean many things to many people. In general, though, healthy boundaries indicate healthy and authentic relationships with ourselves and others.
Boundaries define what belongs to us. This includes our personal space, responsibilities, belonging, choices, rights. All of us have boundaries and use them in our interactions with others. Sometimes, we have good, strong and clear boundaries. Other times, our boundaries can be poor, indistinct, and weak. (Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend, 2017)
Nedra Glover Tawwab in her book Setting Boundaries Find Peace (2021) suggests physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material and time as types of boundaries that we are entitled to. However, there are occasions when our boundaries are trespassed by others and even by ourselves.
One of the more common ways that our boundaries are crossed is when we do not appreciate ourselves. We seek this approval and appreciation from others and constantly wish that others would have more time and energy in appreciating you. We commonly ask the question: “Why am I doing this for this person?” And then we realize that the reason why we do this is aside from wanting their love respect and acceptance, we are also afraid of losing it. We allow them to trespass our boundaries because we are afraid of losing their love, respect, acceptance and approval. We catastrophize and make ourselves fearful that they will suffer a painful consequence and that we will have to deal with the tantrum, tears, pain or angry confrontations. False motives are reasons we tell ourselves (ie because this is what a perfect Mother/child/wife does, happy / successful life look like) as opposed to what we authentically think (its convenient / easier/acceptable/normal). False Motive is acting or hoping that something or someone will make you happy so that I dont have to deal with my own reality
Here are some false motives that keep us from setting healthy boundaries. (Cloud and Townsend, 2017).
(1) Fear of loss of love, or abandonment – this is a dominant motive of martyrs. They give love to get love, and when they don’t get it, they feel abandoned and isolated.
(2) Fear of others’ anger or loss of their approval - because of old hurts and poor boundaries, some people can’t stand for anyone to be mad at them. They need people to always be on their side and is afraid to be contrary.
(3) Fear of loneliness - some people give in to others because they feel that that will ‘win’ love and end their loneliness.
(4) Fear of losing the “good me” inside - loving means that its always saying ‘yes’. These people are the ones that are not able to see the big picture or a long term gain that they may benefit from. (ie teaching someone how to fish rather than giving them the fish)
(5) Guilt - trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. When they say ‘no’ they feel bad, so they keep trying to earn a sense of goodness.
(6) Payback – people may have received things with guilt messages attached. For example, their parents say things like, ‘I never had it as good as you.” “You should be ashamed at all you get.” Or “I suffered all of this for you and gave up everything for you’ they feel a burden to pay for all they have been given.
One way to identify what your boundaries are is to spend some time reflecting on why something has bothered you. Where are others’ choices pushing up against you and why?
One of the pillars in addressing boundary trespassers is by being made aware of what is happening. And awareness is built once we can identify and untangle the complex emotions felt when this happens. If you can identify and relate to any of the points above, consider trying to journal to identify what boundaries you want in your life and relationships.
According to the University of Rochester Medical Center journaling is defined as simply writing down your thoughts and feelings with the hope that you will understand them more clearly and when an intense emotion happens, we are able to slow down our thinking process and hopefully make a better choice on how to cope with them.
A recent Duke University Study suggests that writing interventions including expressive, transactional, poetic, affirmative, legacy and mindful writing increases resilience and decreases depressive symptoms, perceived stress and rumination. In other words, when we write we can slow down the speed of our thoughts and will allow us to think clearly and hopefully make better choices.
Here are some suggested prompts for journaling to help you identify what boundaries you want or need in your life:
I am excited about…
I am going to try to…
I will acknowledge the discomfort I feel when...
I have learned to let go…
I have come to peace with…
I am in tune with…
I am not in sync with...
I nurture myself by…
I should listen to my body more when…
I am happiest when…
I release …
I am truthful with myself about…
I recognize my value by…
I grant myself permission to say ‘No’ when…
I felt so much joy when…
I grant myself permission for…
I know I am capable of…
I am passionate about …
I feel apathy when...
I showed courage today by…
I am thankful for…
This is not an exhaustive list of prompts but hopefully, these will start you off and provide you with some much-needed relief from overwhelming thoughts and emotions. And help you articulate what boundaries you want and need in your life and relationships.
If you are interested in exploring the concept of boundaries and how they can help you, please reach out. I offer in person counselling out of the Panorama Wellness Group office in Langley. You can learn more about me by checking out my bio here.
