Understanding Your Relationships Part 1
How have your childhood relationships shaped you?
Relationships are such interesting things! You need them! You need those individuals you call “your people” or “your tribe”. You have likely shared some of your best wet-your-pants laughter with them. You’ve also probably shared some darker times. Maybe your people are the ones you always go to first. Yet, they may say things or do things at times that make you react in ways that even you find hard to understand about yourself! Why did you ignore your best friend's texts for a week after they said something that offended you, rather than just tell them it was hurtful? When your partner didn’t call you the first several days of their business trip, why did you check your phone non-stop rather than call them? You were anxious and cranky for days because they didn’t call. There was also that time your mom said something super judgey and you grinned and bore it.
Do you ever wonder how your significant early childhood relationships affect you now!?...those very first days, months and years with your primary caregiver?
Maybe you can recall feeling safe or more connected with one parent more than the other.
You might think that individuals who were in the foster system, or who were adopted are the only ones who could experience struggles with relationships or attachment.
Your infant and early life relationships may have quite an effect on how you experience relationships now; regardless of the circumstances or family you were born into. Those early years are influential, even today! This could be hard news if your childhood isn’t something you look back on fondly. You might be disheartened because you couldn’t control these things – your mother, father, siblings, extended family. You didn’t choose for your parents to stay unhappily married, to have them get a divorce, or to be raised by someone other than your biological parents. You didn’t do anything deserving of early trauma. Disheartened, angry or even feeling helpless are very valid emotions. Can we take a moment and acknowledge that you had no control over how or by whom you were raised?
Alternatively, you may have been raised in a very loving, affectionate home…maybe it had more of a Brady Bunch feel. Yet, you still wonder why you felt (and still feel!) judged by one parent or always fell short of the other parent’s expectations. You have what you believe to be open and healthy relationships with them today, but often still feel you are a bit of a disappointment. You struggle to understand why, because your sibling(s) don’t seem to care or feel the same way about your parents. And you were raised by the same parents, in the same home with similar childhood experiences.
Early life relationships are interesting things! Much of how you perceive and experience your current relationships (both friendships and intimate ones) is based on those from early life. Encouragingly, if you aren’t happy with how you feel about your relationships (but the relationships themselves are important to you!), it may help to know that they aren’t static. You can change how you approach or experience them. That’s not to say an unhealthy relationship can (or even should) be given your time, but if you have relationships you’d like to invest in, there is hope!
Often, understanding your attachment patterns or styles can help give context as to why your relationships are the way they are. When you can begin to recognize the strengths or vulnerabilities you bring to relationships, you can better understand them (and you!) better. There are several attachment styles that stem from childhood. For simplicity’s sake, I like to think of, or categorize just three… You might identify with one or another, very quickly – hopefully it will help clarify why you experience some of your relationships the way you do. Identifying and becoming aware of the ‘why’ behind a struggle can be empowering, give meaning to it, and often you can more easily extend yourself compassion. At the very least, you might feel relief from a tension you’ve experienced for years.
You may have an anxious attachment style. This typically happens when, as a child, your primary caregiver was inconsistent in how they were showed up for you. They may have disciplined you, loved you, and cared for you inconsistently and you didn’t know what to expect at times. Emotionally or physically for example, your parents may not have been reassuring. You may recall being the child who sobbed when your mother or father left. You were inconsolable at times, when being dropped off at school or daycare. You stopped (and clung to them) when they returned. Sometimes they returned this affection. Other times they may have scolded you for being so needy. You never really knew what to expect in their response.
Now that you are older, an anxious attachment style may show up as:
You think more (or better) of others and often less of yourself. You need that external reassurance or validation.
You find yourself looking to your partner, a close friend or even a parent for reassurance.
You find you need to hear from them throughout the day, you grow anxious or more needy when they have been away for a bit, or you’ve not connected with them.
You can’t sleep if they aren’t in bed beside you.
You rely on them to help boost your confidence or self-assurance.
An avoidant attachment style typically arises as a result of your primary caregiver who was unavailable for you as a child. Perhaps work, mental illness, or other life circumstances left them unresponsive to or unavailable to your needs. Because of this, you may have found ways in life to self-soothe…including distancing yourself from others. You may have identified this as being ‘hyper-independent’…but every human needs connection of some sort. You are, in fact, biologically hardwired for connection. When this need for connection was not met as a young child, you innately found ways to cope.
It is possible that as a teen or adult, you now minimize your emotional needs.
You think more of yourself and less of others because you know you can always count on you. There is no need for external reassurance.
You find yourself thinking or saying that you could care less if your best friend is ignoring you right now.
You think ‘their loss’ when you have a disagreement with a sibling, friend, partner or parent.
You don’t want, need or make time to communicate with him/her, when your partner travels for work and is gone for a week or two.
You could have a secure attachment style. Non-verbal cues like eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression and body language all play into the role of a secure attachment. When these needs were met as an infant, toddler and so forth, your brain clued in that you were safe. You experienced a positive outlook about others, and you felt positive about yourself.
If your current relationships get a bit bumpy, you navigate the issue and usually resolve it amicably. Your value, worth or ability to be loved is not of concern – you are confident that you are lovable.
You feel emotionally connected to your primary caregiver and you always knew that even when you screwed up, you could go to them.
Even as a teen, you knew you could talk to your primary caregiver, or you could go to your room alone for some space and they would understand and be available when you were ready.
Your needs were always met.
Over the next little while, I will be doing a short series about attachment as it pertains to relationships. Specifically, I will discuss the influence of attachment with your partner and in parenting. Follow along with me as we discover how the different attachment descriptions apply to your relationships.
As a parent to both biological and adoptive children, I’ve experienced the challenges that can come hand-in-hand with early life attachment experiences. I’ve had the privilege of collaborating with clients to understand and reframe how early life experiences (good and bad) have influenced their relationships.
You might be curious about some of these in your life as an individual, partner, or parent. I’d love to connect with you and explore attachment and relationships in a safe space where you can feel free to question, challenge and process your healing.
