Do You Have to Share Your Emotions in Order to Have a Good Relationship With Your Partner?
When you read this question, what is your initial response?
When you consider emotions within your relationship, what do you notice? Do you feel excited, indifferent, uncomfortable, or maybe you notice feeling somewhere in between?
You are not alone if the thought of sharing your emotions brings up some fear or frustration. One reason sharing deeper things about yourself can be so challenging is that you might feel you are opening yourself up to either intimacy or judgment.
Can you think of a time when you were open about an aspect of your life? Did you feel well received? Depending on your response, this topic may be loaded for you. The good news is you do not have to start in the “deep end.” Before you can confidently share, you may need to learn a few things about yourself. Understanding how your experiences have shaped some of your beliefs about sharing emotions is deeply important.
Learning to detect your emotions can be a helpful place to start because emotional awareness reduces your “blind spots.” Think of it like driving a car. Imagine driving somewhere with foggy or blacked-out windows. It would not be long until you bumped, crashed into another car, drove off the road, or worse. You would likely be left frustrated and confused. Alternatively, with clear windows, you could navigate with more ease and allow others on the road a greater chance of success when driving alongside you. This could be beneficial for everyone! Adding to your emotional awareness will allow you to navigate your relationship with greater satisfaction. Taking this thought a little further, having access to your emotions will allow you to know how you are really doing and what you need. When you know this, you can communicate this information to your partner easier. This reduces the potential for your “signals” to get crossed or for “crashing” into your partner.
Once you learn to notice and feel your emotions, you can begin to connect to your partner in healthier ways. Again, when you are more comfortable noticing what you are feeling, you will have access to what you need. For example, if you are feeling sad, you could ask for and receive comfort from your partner instead of isolating yourself. If this is new for you, it can feel empowering because it gives you opportunities to choose what you want to do. You won’t have to wait until someone else notices your emotional state; you can proactively seek a solution. Also, when your partner asks you how you are doing, you may have a more accurate answer. This can help you both feel more connected to each other.
Contrary to what many believe, sharing your emotions out loud doesn’t heighten them; it helps regulate them (Torre & Lieberman, 2018). In addition, learning about your emotions and communicating them removes the pressure for your partner to figure out how you are doing and what you need from them. When both partners work toward this goal, your relationship will feel more energizing.
Let’s return to the original question about whether you have to share your emotions to have a good relationship with your partner. If you assume a good relationship is generally connected, warm, and supportive, then yes, sharing your emotions will need to become a key practice. This might feel easier said than done. If a response of yours has been poorly received (with silence for example) in the past, you may have experienced isolation. This aloneness–even when surrounded by other people - may have left you with feelings of disconnection. Sharing your emotions can lead to greater connectedness, but it is important that you and your partner demonstrate an interest in hearing each other. Actively listening to each other will establish a foundation of safety, which is needed for strong relationships. Without this, sharing can have the opposite experience and may lead to more fear or frustration. However, as you experience more positive conversations with your partner, you can begin feeling safe sharing more, leading to greater intimacy and love.
If you aren’t sure of where to start or you are overwhelmed in this area, it could be a great time to seek marriage counselling. I enjoy working with couples seeking to improve their communication and wanting to thrive in their relationship together. I’d love to work with you and your partner to explore how to improve the health and joy within your relationship.
