How Does Avoidant Attachment Affect a Marriage?
You may have found yourself wondering at times why you react the way you do, with your partner. Or conversely! You might wonder at times why your partner reacts or responds to you in ways that you struggle to understand. You know you love one another, so why do you have these “glitches” in your marriage at times?! It could be the attachment styles you each have.
Every person has an attachment style – it’s developed in very early childhood, even before you could talk. You experienced communication and care in ways that shaped your brain, through your nervous system. You might think of your attachment style as a lens through which you which you see – or rather experience – your relationship.
Attached. By Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
In the summer/fall I shared thoughts on how various attachment styles can affect all of us throughout our lives in a 3-part blog series. I invite you to read about the various attachment styles. Quickly, I think it’s important to share that everyone has an attachment style, none are either good or bad – but the way you connect and create an attachment with others (in particular your partner!), will affect your marriage. Understanding your attachment style can be insightful, helpful and even healing! Knowing that, I invite you not to think of your attachment style as a label but rather as a helpful piece of information helpful in relating to your partner.
In this blog, I’m going to look at the avoidant attachment style and how it affects a marriage. I’m drawing some information from a book I recommend to my clients called, Attached. The book “Attached” offers insightful tips on deciphering the various attachment styles, how to navigate them and experience a healthy relationship when your partner has a different attachment style, as well as when they clash – and what to do about it.
I think it’s important again, to emphasise that having an avoidant attachment style doesn’t label you as good or bad, high or low functioning! You’re not necessarily harder to live with than someone with another attachment style. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might notice that even when you are in a wonderful relationship, you continue to feel a deep-rooted aloneness. You may have called yourself a free spirit in the past, but you notice this sense of aloneness (mentally, emotionally, physically) is always there. It might feel safer for you, to keep this space – despite feelings of loneliness.
At times, the thought of needing your partner might cause you to notice your shoulders tense up. Needing someone else? No thanks. You don’t want to rely on anyone but you! You like your space, independence and autonomy. You might have learned in childhood that you can rely on no one but you. It’s important to remember though, as a human, you are biologically hardwired for connection. You need shared experience. The authors of Attached phrase it like this, “Happiness is only real, when it’s shared”.
Avoidant attachment likely means you use some deactivating strategies. It’s important to note that these are typically unconscious tools, used to maintain autonomy. They won’t help increase emotional closeness within your marriage, but rather will result in disengaging from your partner. Deactivating strategies spoil intimacy (which then helps you to feel safe in your independence). The more deactivating strategies are implemented, the more you’ll notice feeling alone in your relationship. Here are a few:
Staying with your partner for months or years, while simultaneously telling them you aren’t ready to commit.
Getting hung up on small annoyances in your partner. Do they walk with a funny stride? Maybe they chew bananas too loud. Are they always two minutes late…or ten minutes too early! That intellect you were drawn to when you first met…maybe you are intimidated by it now. Check out “Seeing the Worm Instead of the Apple” below.
While in your current relationship, you notice yourself thinking longingly of an ex-partner.
Implying you have deep affectionate feelings for your partner but resisting using those three words…I Love You.
Withdrawing (not calling, texting, emotionally investing in or spending time with your partner) when things are going well in your relationship. This includes avoiding intimacy or physical closeness.
Keeping secrets to help you maintain that feeling of independence.
I think it’s important to differentiate self-reliance and independence. You can be healthily independent – your own person, with your own thoughts, while not being self-reliant! Self-reliance can leave you feeling alone and has shown to be linked with a low degree of comfort with intimacy or closeness with another. If this resonates, you might notice you struggle to share intimate information. That makes sense! Vulnerability can be a scary thing – especially if you’ve been burned in the past. Unfortunately, if you’re heavy on the self within self-reliance, that doesn’t leave room for your partner. Independence, however, means you can still be wholly you – and that you (as a human!) still need, and can experience connection and intimacy. (…even though it can be a bit scary.)
Whether you’ve been with someone for 20 weeks or 20 years, you might find your avoidant attachment style makes it easy for you to see the worm, instead of the apple. This is another concept from the book Attached and I think a great image! How easy is it to get caught up in the nitpicky annoyances, rather than the beauty of your partner?
Not surprisingly, convincing yourself that you have a true longing for an ‘ex’ or for that person who is just absolutely perfectly right for you is common in those with an avoidant attachment style. It shifts the focus on the other person being the problem in the relationship. It puts space between you and them and it will drive your partner away. It will block you from getting close to anyone. If this resonates with you, you might want to spend a few moments reflecting on what it was about your current partner, that you were first attracted to. What qualities about them, drew you in?
In my work with couples, I often talk about the Positive Perspective within the relationship. This is a concept taken from the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, I use with couples. It’s similar to the Worm/Apple idea. You can see some positive in your partner – even just a little…but enough to help overcome the worm that keeps peeking out of the apple. When you maintain the Positive Perspective, you hold the key to healthy problem-solving and repair-attempts during conflict.
In the Positive Perspective, both individuals in the marriage experience power and influence. These are the happiest, most stable relationships. When you can accept influence from your partner, when you can see more positive (the apple) in them than negative (the worm), the odds that your marriage will thrive increases!
As mentioned earlier, focusing on the worm instead of the apple is a defense strategy. If this resonates, you might want to spend a few moments being curious about whether you feel threatened by a recent increase in intimacy? Maybe your partner has just shared that they want to start a family with you soon. While you feel the same way, the thought of agreeing out loud about embarking down this road is enough to make you want to pull away. In these moments it’s far easier to use a defense strategy. It might sabotage the moment (or the relationship!), but you know you will regain feelings of self-reliance. (Remember, this isn’t healthy.)
It's important to reflect and remember that your attachment style is a product of much of your early life experiences. The ways you react or respond to your partner as likely often unconscious. Being curious about how you feel, both about your relationship and your reactions within it is such a healthy way to approach any struggles you might be experiencing.
I find that understanding my clients’ attachment styles – and watching as they explore how attachment influences their life and relationships – to be fascinating. When you understand yourself better, you can feel empowered. It’s my greatest privilege to be part of that. If you’re curious about exploring your attachment style (individually or as a couple) or working though other challenges, I invite you to reach out. I’d love to connect with you!
