What is the Change Triangle?

When you hear the word “emotion” what do you notice about yourself? 

Is there a shift in your body? 

Perhaps you become aware of your heart beating a little stronger. Maybe you notice your stomach flips flops a little or feels some nausea. You might feel tingly in some part of you – your hands, possibly? You might, in fact, feel nothing in your body – almost in a numb sort of way. That’s something to notice, too!

Does a memory or thought come to mind? 

Maybe that time you were really emotional, you remember a “scene” from Christmas dinner pops into your head. It could be that you think that feeling or showing/sharing emotions is a sign of weakness. You might recall that time you were shamed for sharing a particular emotion. 

What are your beliefs around emotions? These beliefs may come with you from childhood. Perhaps something a caregiver said to you (once or repeatedly) stuck with you and now, when you consider how emotions play out in your life…well…you’d rather not consider it. Emotions have not always felt good or served you well and the effort to try and ignore them or numb yourself to them, could feel less painful. 

What’s interesting about emotions – the pleasurable ones and the less pleasurable ones - is that they are all important and they communicate important things. They can challenge you painfully and bring you hope positively. When you inhibit the experience of a more uncomfortable emotion like sadness for example, you also reduce the amount of joy you can feel. These two emotions live on a bit of a spectrum so-to-speak and the depth to which you (can allow yourself to) feel one, you can also experience the other. More explicitly, the more you can sit in sadness the more you can experience the elation that accompanies joy. I find that fascinating – and a good personal reminder to slow down in times of uncomfortable emotion, to simply be with it and with some wonder. Curiosity is important in these moments because it takes us out of any self-judgement and into a place of noticing.

Sitting with uncomfortable emotion isn’t the end game though. It’s okay to be with that emotion, but then it’s healthy to process it, to eventually dwell in a place of calm. If you are like me and you’re a visual learner, the Change Triangle could be a welcome concept in the emotion conversation. You may be wondering what is the Change Triangle?? The Change Triangle is a tool that can help with experiencing improved emotional health. It can support you in reconnecting with yourself in ways you may have ignored, shut down, or become even a bit anxious about through your life and past experiences. 

There are three corners to the Change Triangle : core emotions, inhibitory emotions and defenses. We will briefly look at each corner and then how they interact. 

Core emotions

Core emotions give you important information – they help you thrive by telling you what you want, need, like or what disgusts you. They are with you at birth, hard-wired into the middle part of your brain. So, if you’ve ever felt like some of your emotions are out of your consciousness or conscious control – these ones are! They are sadness, fear, anger, joy, excitement, sexual excitement and disgust. It’s not uncommon to block some of those ones you have experienced as unenjoyable in the past – but these core emotions really are wonderful and deeply helpful to you. Think about learning you were the successful candidate for that new job you really wanted. You may have felt excitement! Your hard efforts paid off. Think about learning your in-laws were moving just down the road. You may have noticed sadness or even some fear. Sadness might indicate how much you love your family unit’s independence, and it could propel you to create a plan to protect that (hello boundaries!!). Fear might motivate you to really work on those boundaries you’ve been considering.

Inhibitory Emotions

Inhibitory emotions work to block those seven core emotions. There are three: shame, anxiety and guilt. (Did you notice a shift in your physical body as you read those words? Again, they aren’t bad emotions, but they can be uncomfortable to even read.) What’s so interesting about this trio is that when you begin feeling overwhelmed by your core emotions, the inhibitory emotions jump in, to prevent overwhelm. Hilary Jacobs Hendel (in her book It’s Not Always Depression) says they keep you civilized, so you can fit into the groups you want and need to. Unknowingly, you started learning about which core emotions were acceptable from the moment you were born. These learnings happened through interactions and responses from others in your world. 

When any of those emotions were deemed unacceptable, maybe weak or out of control (by a caregiver, for example) your brain received a signal that something unenjoyable was happening. Moving into later childhood, teen years and adulthood, your brain stored the information from those core emotions that were previously shut down or unwelcome. So, inhibitory emotions stepped in to protect and push those core emotions down. This is stressful!! 

Consider a time you felt particularly angry and when you displayed that anger, you were told it was unacceptable to feel that way – or that your anger was dangerous or an overreaction. Your inhibitory emotions would have stepped right up to do their job and protect you from those feelings of anger, from then on. You might now think of anger as a “bad” emotion or as indicative of “rage issues” and notice feelings of anxiety in your body (a racing heart, looking down to avoid eye contact with anyone, a tightening in your throat) at the mention of anger. Reflecting on that memory or moment of anger from your past, that memory might evoke similar sensations. That anxiety is protecting you from expressing the anger that you learned was an overreaction. This might enable you to feel accepted or that you fit in, in your family, with friends, at work, and so forth.

Defenses

The third corner of the triangle represents Defenses. Just as you might suspect, they work to keep you from feeling deep pain or overwhelm. Defenses will do anything they can to help you avoid feeling those Core or Inhibitory Emotions. They aren’t always bad – their adaptive nature can allow you to experience relief from a stressful situation. Think of watching cute puppy reels on Instagram, your go-to feel-good movie, talking to that super sarcastic friend (or being that friend!). The challenge comes when you no longer feel, because you are out of touch with those seven core emotions. While defenses aren’t explicitly harmful, they can be! Think of over-eating, over-exercising, cutting, addiction, and other ways you might help yourself feel less depth of emotion.

To clarify a little more, a defence is any thought or action that takes you away from experiencing those uncomfortable feelings. Hilary Jacobs Hendel shares dozens of them in her book. A few that I have noticed as more commonly experienced by my clients includes sarcasm, ruminating, changing the subject, avoiding eye contact, over/under talking, perfectionism. These defenses keep them safe and enable them to avoid the pain that might come hand-in-hand with the experience of a core emotion.

So, how can the Change Triangle be put to good use and help you? It is important to know that even if you’re not yet in a place where you’re able to fully experience those seven core emotions, the Change Triangle can still be very useful. Simply being able to identify where you are is very helpful information. Also! Please extend yourself so much grace, as you consider how this tool could be helpful for you. 

The Change Triangle can help you know your emotions and process them. Unblocking your core emotions (by identifying defenses and inhibitory emotions) results in decreased feelings of anxiety, depression and increased confidence in living as your fullest and most authentic self. It can help you understand why we are reacting in a particular way, whether you are in a place of defensiveness, whether those inhibitory emotions are stepping into action, or whether core emotions are being experienced. At the heart of the Change Triangle is an authentic experience where you can experience open hearted living, which is felt through peace and confidence in life and all its curveballs.

The Change Triangle is a tool I appreciate using with clients. It can be a little nerve-wracking to consider exploring these things – emotions. But with time, a safe caring environment and some curiosity, I believe everyone is capable of healing. Living from a place of authentic connectedness with yourself is so deeply self-satisfying. When you understand why you experience (or avoid) certain emotions or why you react in ways that don’t always make sense you can begin to feel lighter (this is a more open-hearted state). If some of this information resonates with you, I’d love to connect and work together so you can experience your authentic confident self.