Five Ways to Protect Your Marriage During the Postpartum Period

The greatest gift that a couple can give their baby is a loving relationship because the relationship nourishes a new baby’s development.

Know and understand that you and your partner, are in the midst of a profound transition together.  Studies show that the first 3 years after babies were born, a whopping 2/3rd of parents experienced a significant drop in their relationship quality.  Being with the baby was so sweet but being together as partners turned bitter causing a significant increase in conflict and hostility in the family life.  The relationship center has shifted to the baby.  Husband and wife roles take a backseat while parental roles claim the lead.  Couples who were once friends and lovers no longer have time for each other.  Dating stops and long conversations disappear.  Both parents get lonely and couple time is now a battle time that needs to be negotiated.

Here are a few tips to protect your coupledom during the postpartum period.

(1) Anticipate conflict and have a good plan ready. 

During a time when both of you are not upset, talk with your partner about how to settle down and calm your conflicts.  Allow your partner to be an ally in resolving a problem.  Create a safe space to name issues that you notice by gently pointing out instances where you may be unwittingly domineering, defensive or disrespectful.  Separate the behavior from the intent.  Be willing to apologize to your partner when there is a miscommunication.

(2)  Consider couples therapy.

Even if it’s just about getting coaching for something you want to improve at or before things become issues in addition to what you are already dealing with. 

Recognize that a lot of times, conflicts are not about the facts of a fight.  The real concern is usually when the strength and security of the emotional bond you have with your partner is being threatened.  It is about accessibility, responsiveness and emotional engagement.

Communicating and validating your partner’s point of view and feelings is usually minimized during a conflict.  This basically means that it is important to acknowledge that your partner have a right to feel the way they do.  In other words, we need to say that their viewpoint makes sense to us, even if we have opposing viewpoints.  This signals that we are stepping into the shoes of our partner.  It can be as simple as saying “good point’ or “I get it”  or “I hear you”.  It is not a rote agreement or repeating what our partner said but also communicating that we are able to see the world -on this issue- from our partner’s eyes, to see why it makes sense to have those feelings.  Communicating this is real validation.

(3) Practice forgiveness. 

Remember that you are on the same team and are still learning. Allow space for mess-ups, miscommunication, and confusion.

Gottman declares that accepting our partner with all his or her limitations is the key when we dialogue.  Acceptance, he continues, comes from a Zen story. 

A student asks his master why he never married. 

The master says, “Oh, I was looking for the perfect woman.” 

The student nods and says, “So, you never found her.” 

The master says, “Oh, I found her.”

“Then, why didn’t you marry her?’ asks the student.

‘Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.”

Empathy enables us to use the knowledge that we are all ‘doing our best’ and struggling to control situations and circumstances around us.  Developing and understanding empathy aids us to become sensitive and sympathetic and tolerant of our own feelings when we are having a bad day.

Brené Brown, in in her book ‘The gift of Imperfection’ suggests that we need to let go of the myth of self-sufficiency.  She suggests that the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance that we place on “going it alone”.  Somehow, she continues, a lot of us are willing to extend a helping hand but become very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves.  It’s as if we’ve divided the world into ‘those who need help’ and ‘those who offer help’ and we prefer to be the one who offer help and sometimes even label those that need help as weak.  When we attach these types of judgment, it can lead to exhaustion and burnout.

(4)  Keep your sense of humor. 

Laugh together, delight in your baby, create memories together.

Esther Perel, an author and a psychologist, shares that one of the major things that a couple needs to nourish is their intimacy and connection.  She identifies it as a couple’s erotic energy is the energy that makes us feel alive, vibrant, vital, sensual.  Connecting is not as simple as talking, it will also include playing, rolling on the floor, laughing together, creating together.  She declares that it’s a creative outburst.

(5)  Dig into deepening your friendship and having a vibrant sex life.

Think back on what brought you together and remember that being parents is not the sum of who you are.  Make time as a couple with the expectation that this will be different now that you have a baby.  This is a season together and it will pass.  It will take more effort, more intentionality for it to be romantic but it is worth the effort.

For new mothers, you are dealing with multiple changes that might be both good and bad.  The shifting hormones, recovering from childbirth, adjusting to an intermittent sleep schedule and of course, taking care of a totally dependent human 24/7.  So, if you are feeling overwhelmed and your inner harmony is not completely present, please know that is completely to be expected.

Your body has fully healed usually after 6 weeks.   However, your body will continue to transform each day and may create a lot of insecurity. You may have hesitations and concerns about your new postpartum body and being naked in front of someone else whose body has likely stayed the same.  Try sharing this insecurity with your partner and ask for help to focus on helping you appreciate your body again.

More importantly, be kind to one another, you are both going through something that you will never experience again, learn to stay present and be grateful.

If are interested in getting support for your relationship in this stage of your life, please check out our upcoming webinar series or book an in-person couples counselling session with me at our Langley office.