What if your kids don’t want to come home for the holidays?
As a parent, you’ve always looked forward to the holidays. Lots of food, board games and puzzles, those annual family movies like Christmas with the Kranks, Elf and Home Alone, and simply ‘being’ together with your people. These family moments make the holidays…the holidays!
You never imagined anything other than these shared, annual memories. In fact, you envisioned these times getting louder and more (joyfully) chaotic once your babies found a significant other, and perhaps even started having their own babies.
And yet, out of the blue it happened.
Your (grown) child texted…yes texted!
“Hey Mom…I’m going to spend the holidays with my partner’s family this year. She’s really close with her family and it’s important to her.”
“Dad, I’ve decided to go to an all-inclusive with some college friends over Christmas, you don’t mind if we celebrate when I’m home, right?!”
Wait what?! You take a moment to catch your breath and notice your heart is racing and your hands are shaking. You take a moment, sit down and breathe through the wave of emotions flowing through your body.
Are you hurt because they aren’t coming home?
Are you disappointed because you’re recognizing your child has other people and events within their life that really matter to them?
Are you frustrated because they sent a freaking text?!!
Are you curious about why there is a small voice reminding you that your greatest hope for all your children has always been happiness and healthy relationships?
Are you anxious because you’re unsure or afraid of how to navigate this new stage of life?
There are many reasons your kids may not want to come home for the holidays. As a parent, it’s important to recognize your role in the relationship, and that you are simply one part of their decision. It doesn’t matter whether you have had tumultuous seasons with them or smooth sailing from the moment they were placed in your arms. Throughout parenting, your role in your childrens’ lives has evolved and will continue to change.
When they were itty bitty, you were a caretaker. Through the elementary years you were a coach and now that they are grown, you have the opportunity to become more of a consultant in their life. The thing is, that while there are a bunch of parenting books on the earlier stages of parenting, there isn’t much out there to help you navigate the young adult stage. I’d like to help you with a few suggestions.
If you can adjust and adapt as they need you to, taking on this new consultant role will mean many things for your child. One of those things is that they will feel empowered to make their own decisions. The influence you had when they were young shifts as they grow up, and you get to see all of your hard work come to fruition while also navigating a shift in how you parent/consult.
Recognizing your child as a real, live grown-up human, can be both deeply difficult and ridiculously rewarding. Making space to recognize this is important. If you can celebrate it, you might experience some joy through the sadness or sting of changing traditions…of holidays feeling different.
As the parent in this changing relationship, it is okay (and normal) to be sad or maybe even confused about how things are changing. The skill you’ll want to learn is how to not give that famous guilt-trip to your kids over not wanting to come home. Their reason may not make sense to you, but it does to them. Placing guilt won’t help the situation, nor change their mind. It won’t make you feel any better and unfortunately, it may even ruin your holiday time. This decision they have made or the boundary they are placing…while it affects you, it is likely to be about them more than it is about you. You could miss out on some beautiful moments with others, because you are too focused on guilting your child to come home.
Find ways to be creative as these shifts begin to happen. If your kids don’t want to come home for the holidays, could you plan a different time to spend time with them? Perhaps a birthday, or a ‘just because’ visit is in the cards? Holidays can sometimes bring a lot of pressure with gift giving, family visiting and memories each person holds. Gathering at a different time of year without that pessimistic cousin or the bickering aunt and uncle, could be much more enjoyable for everyone. No gifts. No big meal. Just some time together.
Find new ways to care for yourself during this season. What if you start your own, new tradition this year? If you are an introvert, you might spend the day in your jammies with a good book, a Hallmark movie or puzzling by the fire. You extroverts might like to take a day trip and explore some parts of the city, the mountains or another local attraction you never have time for – because holiday time has previously been so full and busy with your traditions and events.
Remember what it was like to branch out and start your traditions separate from your family of origin. It’s possible that over the years, you made the decision not to go home for Christmas. You were creating new memories, perhaps avoiding traditions, or simply wanting to explore what was meaningful to you. Your choices led you to the beautiful traditions you shared with your children for many years and now it’s their turn to begin making their way through the season.
There are so many emotions encapsulated within the holiday season – both joyful ones and more difficult ones. If you’re noticing some of these emotions are catching you off-guard, I invite you to reach out. Having a safe space to explore what’s going on and how you’re being affected by the holidays can support you in making the most of this time of year. I would be honoured to help you navigate this time of change and exploration in your life.
