How to Connect with Your Kids During the Holiday Break
As a parent, you are counting down the days until the kids are off school during the winter break. For some families, this is a time of joy and connection; for others, it is a time of stress, scrambling to find child care and entertainment. For most - maybe for you, it is likely somewhere in between.
The holidays can at times be rife with mixed emotions for everyone. Gifts may feel like a measurement of worth for you or your kids. Your childhood may bring with it memories of indifference or downright disdain, with feelings of disappointment or unmet expectations of any sort. Or perhaps, you have very fond memories of traditions (movies, baking cookies, delicious meals, time with family) and a sense of magic. As a parent, you may feel pressure to re-create or completely change what you experienced during the holidays. The current economy may be adding to your felt sense of pressure, because you are needing to work more to afford what you previously could.
To say that the holidays can be stressful is an understatement. Even the most well-intentioned families can get wrapped up in the materialistic consumer-driven undertones and stress of getting it right, that they forget what matters most to them. Each year I personally find inspiration in a quote from the Grinch movie, “maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more”.
An essential first step to connecting with kids is to check in with yourself. You can’t get far on an empty tank, especially during the holidays. Take some time to ask yourself questions and reflect. What do you feel when you think about the holidays? Is there a particular emotion that comes up for you time and again? Pause for a moment and allow yourself to notice it. Is that emotion telling you something? It is okay to sit with it, be curious about what’s going on, and spend a few moments processing. This might help you navigate parts of the holidays that don’t bring you joy - or that do! Understanding your feelings about the holidays will help you to be prepared when discussing them with your kids. If the holidays evoke upsetting material, you may want to set aside time to process your past experiences or emotions that works for you. A couple of suggestions could be journaling, connecting with a trusted friend, or counselling.
Once you have checked in with yourself, develop a plan for what you need to be successful. Kids in particular, can pick up on their parent’s energy. They may (unknowingly) regulate their emotions based on yours, and look to you for how to behave, react or respond in certain situations or seasons. In her book, The Wisdom of Your Body, Hillary McBride discusses the toll that stress and trauma can take on the body. She shares ways to begin identifying and working through these difficult emotions first, by identifying them. She also suggests beginning to work through what boundaries are, what they may look like and how to implement some self-care tools to support the areas you’re noticing show up in your life…especially at times like the holidays. Including your kids in some of these practices can help you connect in a positive way with them, and also set them up for success as they grow.
Discuss with your kids what the holidays will look like. Involving them in making holiday plans, what structured and unstructured time could look like and asking for their input is a way to help them understand their value in the season. They may feel they have some control, rather than feeling like their holidays have all been planned out for them. Doing this can also allow them to have time to prepare and shows that you value them. Asking your kids for input will help keep them engaged and may lead to discussions about what they value or are curious about over the holidays.
Another way to set yourself and your family up for a positive experience is to check-in with each other throughout the holidays. This can be especially important when engaging in social activities where there may be added pressure. Try to recognize when you feel overwhelmed and refer back to your plan for what you need to be successful. Share your perspective and feelings and invite kids to do the same. Depending on their ages and needs, you may also want to enhance your toolbox by brainstorming and strategizing potential communication and conflict tools. Reflect on past experiences to help identify when anyone in your family became overwhelmed or stopped communicating. Reflection can be a great tool for future success.
In their book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish discuss how to help kids deal with feelings in ways that enhance their autonomy. Often kids feel satisfied when they have been heard and validated. (Validation does not mean you agree with them necessarily, but it does ensure they feel heard and that their opinion is of value.) Consider empathizing by sharing stories of how you have experienced mixed emotions or overcame past holiday struggles. In my home, bedtime is a great time to explore these…provided no one is over-tired!
Set specific time aside to spend with the kids. This could be baking, crafting, board games, yoga, or outdoor activities. Brand this time, specifically letting them know it is their time with you and inviting them to provide input on what to do. This can also be a great time to create or share traditions and stories you want to pass down. Stay present and focused during this time, ensuring to put away phones and other means of distraction.
Engage your kids to make a meaningful contribution to holiday preparations. Brainstorm age-appropriate tasks that your kids can help with and plan for what that would look like. Ideas include decorating, making or selecting handmade gifts or cards, wrapping, creating place settings for the table, cleaning and cooking. Engaging kids in holiday tasks may assist you with removing things from your list while also creating opportunities for connection.
There is certainly a lot to consider at this time of the year. As a parent, I can appreciate the challenges of connecting with kids, especially during the holidays. As a student counsellor at Panorama Wellness, I can assist you with exploring your experiences, feelings, and coping mechanisms and understanding how they impact your approach to communication, relationships and parenting. I would be honoured to come alongside you as you navigate your role as a parent. If you think you would like to work together starting January 2023, please click on my bio to learn more about me.
Wishing you a gentle and peaceful holiday season!
