Connect with your spouse in the busyness of Fall

You made it through summer! Take a deep breath, pause, notice your feet on the floor, gently remind your thought-filled mind to look at your surroundings. How does the air feel as it is drawn in through your nose, filling your lungs, and then released?

And again…this is intentional and might be hard. Take another deep breath, pause, now drop your shoulders, and gently remind your thought-filled mind to listen to any noise going on around you. How does the air feel as it is drawn in through your nose, fills your lungs, and is then released?

            You are fully in Fall.

            Fall is here.

            It’s crisp, damp, warm, dark and it may even bring with it, a reminder of all things new.

If you have kids, they are in school or maybe daycare. They have bedtimes and alarms (maybe that’s you!). They are acclimating to this. You are acclimating to this.

If you don’t have kids, you may notice more consistency to who is at work beside you. Perhaps you notice daily traffic pick up. You might find comfort in some of this because there is something grounding about normalcy, consistency, expectations.

            Routine can feel good.

            Routine is good for your physical body.

            Routine is good for your mental and emotional health.

            Routine helps you anticipate and expect and prepare.

            Expectations are cultivated with and satisfied by routine.

            You might notice part of you is calm as you read these words.

            You might also wonder why part of you feels uneasy, nervous even, about this anticipation of (or engagement in) routine.

 If attachment styles are new to you, I invite you to go back to a few of my other blogs where I share some thoughts, highlights and information.

You might notice, as you anticipate routine (or are fully in it!) that part of you is feeling anxious. While the summer was a bit of beautiful chaos and crazy, you also anticipated many moments of time with your partner. The mornings were bright earlier, and the evenings were warmer longer. You could go for walks together and connect. You didn’t worry about miscommunication, arguments or conversations over text. This felt peaceful.

If you have more of an anxious attachment style, you may have noticed that need to be close to your partner wasn’t as strong. You knew you’d have more time together. That part of you that can feel insecure or maybe anxious when you’ve not heard from or spent time with your partner…it’s quieter during the summer months.

Now that you are back to routine and may not be anticipating time off for some time, how can you keep those anxious feelings from unhelpfully affecting you?

One suggestion is to be intentional in planning time together with your partner. This doesn’t have to be daily, and it doesn’t mean taking hours out of your weekly schedule. Planning small pockets of time to sit together, talk (not about work, kids, pets, or schedules) is deeply important. Spending even ten minutes daily sitting quietly together, can be significant. You might want to create a boundary that you only want to know about your partner. Sitting with, listening, touching, and empathizing with your partner (and them with you)…these are almost like micro-moments. Their effect is powerful, however.

These little moments build emotional currency between you both. In moments you notice you haven’t spent time together or that insecurity starts to whisper to you…you can reflect on (and anticipate) these times together. You can be reminded of your strong connection.

If you have more of an avoidant attachment style, you may have spent enough time around or near your partner. You may have noticed you helped each other out, cared for and connected in little ways, so you didn’t have to ask – or struggle to avoid asking – for support. Individuals with an avoidant attachment style don’t dislike others (or being around them) but that time alone is gold. You might both feel more secure within your relationship.

You might be concerned that the mornings and the evenings when everyone is home will be a lot. They might be a lot because while everyone is around, you still have a lot to do, and you do not want to ask for help. And you want to be alone. (Individuals with an avoidant attachment style enjoy time by themselves.) You don’t want to reach out for support. You like doing these tasks that need doing, on your own. Even if it feels like a lot.

The struggle is that when these tasks become a lot, you struggle to ask for help. You just don’t like to do it. That would mean releasing some of the independence that you appreciate about time alone.

This is so understandable. You’re probably familiar with the discomfort that comes with struggling to ask for help – or not.

If this resonates, I’m wondering whether there are small tasks that you care less about – or that carry less weight – that you could delegate to your partner? These might be seemingly smaller or more insignificant things, but knowing someone else will do them could be helpful. In this, you won’t find yourself frustrated or feeling somewhat isolated. There’s a difference between being alone in a healthy and intentional way and feeling isolated.

Isolation disconnects you. Independence can be part of a healthy part of the human experience.

If you can discuss some of this delegation with your partner beforehand, you don’t have to worry about the discomfort or emotion that could come hand-in-hand with a discussion about it - in the heat of the moment when you’re feeling somewhat overwhelmed or emotionally dysregulated.

You might also notice that if you can have an earlier discussion, you won’t view your partner negatively and you could experience a more peaceful, connected relationship in what might have previously been somewhat tense or uncomfortable. Your partner might feel empowered in being able to support you – this can lead you both to feel more secure.

Being aware of and proactive in some ways to support yourself, your relationship and your mental health can feel like a lot at times. It can also be rewarding! Often, the most challenging part is starting (or knowing where to start). Truthfully, it could even be understanding whether your attachment style is influencing the way you experience yourself and your relationship(s). (…and how!) As a therapist who is passionate about working with both individuals and couples navigating relationship struggles, I would love to connect with you!