How to Recognize Your Child’s Attachment Style
When you think of the words “attachment style”. What comes to mind? If you’re like many people, you might think about more intimate relationships. You may have heard the words “anxious, avoidant or secure attachment styles” thrown around. Perhaps you’ve used them! It’s common for me to sit with an individual who wonders how their (and their partner’s) attachment style affects their partnership or marriage. Your (and your partner’s) attachment style definitely does affect and influence the way you both feel connected – or disconnected. It can influence how you both respond or react in particular situations. Your attachment style likely stems from your childhood relationships and experiences.
I’ve written several pieces about attachment. For context about the various attachment styles I will refer to here and to better understand how anxious, avoidant, (disorganized) and secure attachment styles can specifically affect you within your relationship, I invite you to plug in the keyword “attachment” on Panorama’s blog page.
A child’s attachment style can be understood as a bond built between them and their caregiver. A child’s sense of security or safety can influence whether they take social risks and how they connect with others, too. When a caregiver can be more dependable and consistent in the care they provide to their child(ren), the kiddo(s) will experience a deeper sense of security.
When you think about your parent-self, being curious about your child’s attachment style can be really helpful. Understanding your child’s attachment style can provide some insight – a bit of a window – into how you connect, why you might feel closer to one child than the other(s), or why clashes seem to come out of nowhere. Your child might seem like they simply adore you or alternatively that they don’t like you so much, some days. Respectively, this could be because they have a secure or avoidant attachment style.
If your child seems confident that you will return when you leave them – when you go to work, leave them at school drop off, or with friends/family they likely have a secure attachment style. They will miss you, but they know you’ll return and when you do they receive you with open arms. These kiddos are the ones who are confident to explore the world around them with confidence. They know their caregivers will be there when they’re needed and when they’re experiencing some stress, they will seek you out. They will look to and for you to regulate their emotion, for safety when they are in distress. Typically, children with a secure attachment style experience their caregiver as consistent in providing care, be it emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual and otherwise. They know that you as their caregiver are sensitive to their kiddo’s needs. This helps then feel seen, safe, known. One of my favourite Canadian child psychologists, Jody Carrington shares some insight on attachment and security.
If your child has an anxious attachment style, you will notice they might stick to you like glue at times. You can picture that young kiddo who clings to their caregiver like a little monkey, with their hands and legs wrapped around with a death grip. They struggle in newer environments, to leave your side. If or when you are able to leave them, they likely won’t want to be near you or be comforted when you return to pick them up. They show some distress, even though they seemed so worried when you left them, regardless of whether you’re leaving them with a familiar loved one or in a completely new environment. In a confusing sort of way, they are showing this behaviour because they may not feel they can rely on their needs being met.
If your child has an avoidant attachment style, you might notice they don’t exhibit a need or desire to be near you in a new environment. They’ll jump out of your arms (if they were in them to begin with) or explore their environment without concern about where you are. They very rarely, if ever, look back to see where you are. At pick up, they might ignore you if you ask them a question like how they are doing, or whether they enjoyed their time wherever they were. They don’t show much of a reaction to you when you return. They may ignore you. If you’ve struggled to be sensitive towards or present for their needs for various reasons, this experience might play into this. Subconsciously, they may believe their needs will not be met.
Can I pause for a moment and reflect on this last comment? I wonder if you noticed a part of you react? Maybe a twinge of guilt, noticing your shoulders tensing or that nauseous feeling in your stomach? As hard as it is and as much as you might try, sometimes life experiences happen. They happen without warning and outside of your control. They cause a ripple effect in other areas of your life. You might find yourself in the middle of a separation or divorce. Maybe you are finding yourself in a season of grief or a unique struggle you never could have anticipated.
It’s possible your child’s attachment style might shift and suddenly you’re noticing. You’re noticing they aren’t responding to you in a typical way, you’re clashing with them, they’re melting down, or they’re ignoring you. You’re in a hard season and it seems now they are, too.
Can we normalize this for a moment? It’s not easy. Some experiences happen to you and you couldn’t have expected them.
Acknowledging that this season is not permanent, that you’re trying to navigate your own goings on, and that there’s no such thing as a perfect parent are all important things. Your child’s attachment style might shift through this difficult time. Adding pressure, stress or shame through critical self-talk, self-judgement or disconnection won’t help you – or them.
Awareness of your child’s attachment style (and yours!) is so important to be able to contextualize how you are each navigating, approaching and responding to what might be going on. Being as dependable as you are able to, is the most helpful way to increase your child’s sense of security and help them with a secure attachment style.
As humans, both you and your child(ren) are wired for connection. If you are in the middle of a challenging season, being dependable and consistent might be the hardest thing! If you’re struggling, I invite you to reach out and connect. Your challenging season could be influencing theirs. You might both be feeling disconnected and insecure for various reasons. I would love to connect with you and support you in navigating this season.
