I’m married and I’m so lonely

The movies portray marriage as being this wonderful, fulfilling relationship where you wake up looking the way you looked when you fell asleep, and everything is sunshine and roses for a happily ever after.

And when you’re new in your relationship, that’s how you probably envisioned your relationship going.  Well maybe you were a bit more realistic and knew that there would be arguments (and makeup sex), times when you might not like the other person for a bit (but you knew you’d talk it through and be okay), or times of busyness where the kids and life took up your energy. 

But you weren’t ready for this.

You have someone who sleeps in the same bed, parents the children alongside you, and interacts with your family the same way they have for the last 5, 10, 15, or even 20 years.

And yet the Hank Williams song “I’m so lonely I could cry” feels all too true.

How did this happen?  How did you go from feeling like this person was your soul mate to wondering who the hell you’re looking at.  You’ve gone from talking for hours on end to exchanging brief conversations where you don’t really talk about anything, let alone know them and what they’re going through right now.

It’s awful.  It’s discouraging.  It’s scary.  And so surreal to be thinking “I’m married and I’m so lonely.”

Being lonely in a marriage can affect you in physical ways.

• Turning to substances to numb the pain and help you pass time

• Research has linked social isolation and loneliness to higher risks for a variety of physical and mental conditions: high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, Alzheimer’s disease, and even death (Institute on Aging)

Being lonely in a marriage can affect you in emotional and relational ways.

• Isolating you from family and friends because…who wants to come over to a house where the hosts aren’t speaking?

• Questioning who you are and why you chose to marry this person.

• It can affect the way that you parent and your concern about what your children are witnessing marriage to be like.

If you are in this situation, you might have reached out to friends or family members for support, and received varied responses.  Depending on their own belief and values system, or their personal experience with long-term relationships, the advice and support can look so different.

• You need to leave!  Look out for number one and do something or be with someone who makes you happy!

• Have you tried _______? 

• You can’t leave the marriage…think of how it will affect your children!

So how do you help yourself fight the loneliness in your marriage?

If you choose to stay in the relationship you could try these things.

Talk to your spouse

You might roll your eyes at me and tell me that you’ve tried that 10 million times already.  Or you might get a sheepish look on your face that would tell me you’ve been suffering in silence and haven’t actually tried to broach the subject with your partner.

And yet if you don’t speak up for yourself and your marriage, then you’ll be stuck in a stalemate, and the loneliness isn’t going to go away.  There is a chance that if you speak up and let your spouse know that you are hurting and lonely, that they are feeling the same way and will want to work together with you to effect change so that you can have a vibrant marriage again.

Find a way that both of you can share what you are missing in your marriage and how you would like the other person to meet your needs. And find ways that you might be able to meet the needs they’re missing too. This can help you see how much effort you’re both willing to put into the relationship. It also helps you set clear targets that the other person can reach, thereby building trust and connection.

Reach out for individual or couples counselling

If you choose to talk to your spouse, you might want to suggest that you pursue couples counselling.  Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that it takes couples an average of 6-7 years before they reach out for help.   So you aren’t alone in needing some help in getting out of the patterns you are currently in.  Finding a trained couples therapist can help you have difficult yet rewarding conversations and find your way back to each other.

Getting some individual support from a therapist can help you find your voice, and learn different ways to approach your partner to ask for what you need in your relationship.  You can also get practical tools for managing the loneliness and caring for yourself as you try to improve your marriage.

Connect with other couples

Being around other couples who have relatively healthy marriages can help you explore new ways of connecting with each other.  It also gives you the opportunity to be together in a social setting where there isn’t all the pressure to be romantic or have serious conversations, while having a fun and neutral experience together.

Be intentional about date nights

This can be hard to initiate at the beginning, and might be really awkward dinners staring at each other, not knowing what to say, but if you both agree that your marriage is worth saving, the awkwardness will be worth it, and the intentionality will help you begin to trust each other again.  I usually recommend that people use the app Gottman Card Decks to start conversations when you don’t know what to talk about.

If you feel like you have tried everything you know, and you still feel lonely in your marriage, then you might try some of these ideas.

Are your expectations realistic?

One thing that I’ve seen in relationships in the last few years is that a lot of us expect our partner to be everything to us.  Lover, partner, money advisor, child raiser, best friend, and the list goes on.  Sometimes our expectations of each other aren’t realistic.  If you were to relieve your partner of some expectations that aren’t in line with their personality or skills, it might help you get those needs met elsewhere, and then better set your relationship up for success.

Connect with friends and find things that you like to do

In line with the point above, maybe you have started to neglect some of the needs that you have because loneliness has turned into apathy or a general sense of sadness.  These perspectives can cause us to neglect things and people that bring us joy and fulfillment.  If you can start to connect and get your emotional bucket filled up with these other people and activities it might help alleviate the sense of loneliness.  And it can also help you line up with realistic expectations and hopes from your partner. 

While a blog can’t address all of your unique needs, concerns or questions, I hope that this has helped you if you are feeling lonely in your marriage.  Each situation is different, and you have a decision to make that nobody else can make for you.  If you decide to stay in the marriage, I hope that you are able to connect with others who can help you find fulfillment and joy. 

Please note that these suggestions are all based on the idea that there is no abuse in the relationship.  If you think that you might be being abused by your partner, please start out by seeking professional support before trying the other things suggested here. 

If you would like help with having difficult conversations with yourself or your partner, please reach out to us.  We have a variety of individual and couples therapists who would love to support you at this time.