Holiday gatherings can be positive for your mental health

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and you’re noticing that same feeling – an emotion or a response in your body – that always seems to appear around the holidays.

You might be excited to see family members you haven’t talked with since the last gathering.

Maybe you’ve already brainstormed your escape plan as soon as you notice the first person has finished dessert!

There might be that  one particular sibling who always seems unwilling to talk, but whom you miss so much! 

Maybe you notice that you and your partner always seem to leave these gatherings at some sort of odds – why is that?

Everyone anticipates, responds and reacts in different ways when it comes to holidays…or really, any social or family gathering. You may chalk it up to a dysfunctional family (everyone has a little dysfunction in there somewhere!) or the pressure that these occasions bring. You wish you could enjoy these times the way social media portrays them, or at the very least with a little positive anticipation. You keep trying to put your best foot forward, but it’s not easy.

Your childhood experiences – primarily those with early caregivers - really can affect the way you connect and experience relationships, both with individuals, but also at gatherings such as holiday events. These early experiences influence how you connect, relate to and are attached to others; including the experiences you had before you could speak. It’s crazy to think that those years before you could verbally communicate, play into your relationships as an adult. But they do! Attachment is an early-life experience that predicts behaviour later in life.

You can think of your attachment style as a lens through which you view and experience relationships. The three main attachment styles (and a fourth, sometimes mentioned) hold a profound role in how you perceive, desire, and even enjoy different events (like holidays) and your relationships with loved ones. Your secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized attachment style isn’t static though – you can change the way you experience relationships. Isn’t that amazing!? (I invite you to check out these other blogs on attachment styles.)

Regardless of your attachment style, it’s important to remember that holiday gatherings can be positive for your mental health and provide you with some great benefits. We are biologically wired for connection. Aside from toxic relationships, surrounding yourself with others, even just for an hour or two can increase your levels of happiness. 

If you have a secure attachment style (which is approximately 60% of us), you may find others at your holiday gathering gravitate towards you. You offer stability, a confident outgoingness or approachability. You are happy to be surrounded by others and you also have boundaries that keep you from becoming exhausted by that one crazy aunt. If you have a partner who struggles with any other attachment style, be sure to stick close to them if you get the feeling they are on edge. You’ll both be thankful for it later!

If you experience a more avoidant attachment style, try thinking of one or two things you are looking forward to. It could be the stuffing or apple pie, the cute niece you haven’t met, or maybe just not having to do the dishes. If you find yourself cringing at the thought of conversation and connection with a bunch of people, create a list of questions you might use as conversation starters. You could jot them on your phone and pretend you’re looking at a text if you forget them. Think of open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered by yes/no), to help create conversation. It’s also okay to excuse yourself for a few minutes to “use the bathroom” or go outside for a breath of fresh air…alone. Remind yourself that this gathering will be short lived, and your reward will be a quiet cup of tea or glass of wine when you get home, to relax.

If you’re an individual with a more anxious attachment style you might be overly aware of others’ actions (and how they make you feel). Reminding yourself that healthy boundaries may mean that others won’t share as much with you as you may want, can be helpful. If you can do things before your holiday gathering to remind you of your own strengths, that will help carry you into your event. If you’re starting to spiral a little while there, doing something to ground yourself may help you detach from how you believe others perceive you. When you are less concerned about others’ perception, you will find you enjoy yourself more. 

If you struggle to stay grounded in the moment, try this quick exercise:

Look around the room and identify five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can taste and one thing you can smell. Notice as many details about each sense as possible.  This will give your system (which may be overwhelmed) a moment to return to the present moment, and deal with some of the stresses you are feeling.

If you notice you find yourself alternating between these two attachment styles, you may experience a more disorganized style: You want to connect with others but the fear of being rejected makes you want to keep your distance. It’s easy to say, but the reality is that your fears are likely worse than the actual gathering itself. That said, it’s true that some of the perpetual arguments, bickering or critical comments may emerge as they always do. 

Can you remind yourself that the event will be short lived? 

Could you speak truths to yourself that you have rehearsed ahead of time like the fact that you are an enjoyable person and people like being around you? 

Another suggestion is to find something to do, to keep you occupied. Maybe you can cut carrots, stir the gravy, plate the cheese or hold the baby? If a situation gets awkward, you then have something to keep you somewhat separated from the tension.

At the end of the day, the choice to attend your family/friend gathering is yours and yours alone. If the stress of attending is greater than any enjoyment you might get out of it, maybe you should invite a friend over, or stay home with your nuclear family. This could be a way to communicate your own boundaries and to practice self-care. Holidays are tricky, yet they occur every year. Having some tools to navigate them, to better understand yourself within them and to even experience some enjoyment is such a healthy practice. 

I enjoy working with clients who are questioning some of their struggles with relationships and wanting to work towards greater appreciation and enjoyment of them. I also acknowledge that you may have had very poor experiences with relationships in the past and are wanting to process some of that to move forward in a healthier and more peaceful way. If this resonates with you, please reach out. I would love to connect with you!