How to support someone who is being abused

Your daughter has shown up at your place with bruises on her body that don’t match up with the story she’s telling you.  Your friend has become quieter and quieter since she began a relationship with a new man in her life.  Your co-worker has shown you some of the texts that his wife sends him, and you wonder how someone could talk to a spouse like that.  Your niece tells you that she has to give all of her paycheque to her boyfriend each month, and she gets an allowance to buy groceries, but otherwise has no clue what happens with their finances. 

You have a sense that this important person in your life may be experiencing abuse, but you aren’t sure where to start, or how to support them. 

You know that you want to help them, so you do a Google search to try and see if what you’re noticing sounds like it’s what abuse is.  And you get inundated, overwhelmed and a bit lost.  There seems to be a lot of information about abusive relationships, but not how to help someone you care about.  And now you feel stuck in how to behave around your friend, and it’s become awkward.  How can you move forward and take care of them?

The first thing that you want to know is that abuse is about power, manipulation and control over another person.  If you are in an abusive relationship, you start to lose a sense of yourself or the ability to speak up in your relationship.  That is likely what is happening for your daughter/friend/family member.  Add to that the fact that many people think that they have to be strong, or don’t want you to think less of them or their partner.

As you read over these tips about how to support someone who is being, keep in mind that your goal is to help empower them and help them find some options as opposed to being another person who tells them what to do or what to think. 

DO let her know that you are concerned about her. 

Find a way to talk to her in private and where she will feel safe.  Don’t email or text her about what you want to talk about if you are worried about her safety or repercussions from her abuser.  Be honest with her about your concerns. Use practical examples of times when you noticed what you think might be abuse.  Let her know that you are wanting to help, and will support her no matter what decision she makes moving forward. 

DO listen to him without judgement or your own agenda. 

Your friend or family member might be surprised that you have used the word “abuse” in association with their partner.  They may feel that this is just the way things are, or that they don’t deserve anyone better.  The abuse might have had a gradual increase in intensity so that they have started to think that they’re just reading into things.  Hear them out, and reiterate your support and care for them, and let them know that you aren’t going anywhere.

DO help them find more information.  

Whether the idea that they are in an abusive relationship is new to them or they’ve been wondering the same thing, they will probably feel lost and uncertain if it’s truly abuse.  Help them find out more information to explore whether this is an appropriate description of their experience.  One great, local resource is the book When Love Hurts by Karen McAndless-Davis and Jill Cory.  It provides a description of the cycle of abuse and help for women who are in abusive relationships.

DO help her come up with a safety plan. 

A safety plan could be developing a code word for her to tell you that she feels that she is in danger, or maybe that she has decided that it is time to find a way out of the relationship.  It may include agreeing on a place to meet her if she has to leave her situation in a hurry.  Or it might include practical solutions such as opening up a bank account in both of your names so she has an emergency fund, or packing up important items such as passport, drivers’ license, etc. so that they are easy to grab when she needs to leave.

DO get your own support. 

Whether your daughter decides to leave her relationship or stay, you are going to be experiencing a challenge to your own emotions and thoughts and beliefs in this process.  Find one or two people that you can trust to support you as you walk through this journey, or reach out and get help from a counsellor to help you navigate your own choices in these events.

It is important to also note what are things that you DON’T do in a situation like this. 

DON’T shame, guilt or put blame on them. 

Don’t say things like “how can you stay there?” or “why don’t you just leave?” or “how have you stayed with him for so long?”  Instead try saying something like “I get worried about you and what might happen to you”.  Let her know that you understand that her situation is very difficult, and that you are trying to care for her because she matters to you.

DON’T leave her if she decides to stay in the relationship. 

This one is huge.  I have worked with a number of women who have had people abandon them because they’re not ready to leave the abusive relationship yet.  Your friend, daughter or niece might decide to stay in the relationship even though she agrees that it feels abusive.  Or she might tell you that she wants to leave, but then a week later says that everything is fine and that he has changed.  This may be difficult for you to grasp, but there are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships.  Continue to be there for her.  There may come a day when she is hurting enough to reach out and ask you for help. 

DON’T leave him once he gets out of the relationship. 

Sometimes when you help a loved one escape an abusive relationship it can feel like once they’re out of the abusive relationship, you’ve done your job and can leave them on their own.  But life is completely different for them.  He may be out of the abusive relationship, but then there’s a void and a sense of being alone.  Continue to support him.  Have him over for dinner.  Get him out of the house.  Let him know you care and are there for him as he rebuilds his sense of identity outside of the abuse.

DON’T try to rescue them. 

This is one of the biggest things to remember.  Even though it is hard for you to see your friend or family member hurting, it is still their decision about how to live their life.  It is important that you support them no matter what they decide.  Be there to listen and love them and provide them with a sense of safety in you and your relationship.

When you deeply care about a friend or family member, and they are experiencing abuse in their intimate relationship, you can play an important and supportive role.  The fact that you are reading this article shows how invested you are in trying to care for them.  Keep being that concerned, listening and empowering voice in their life.  You might be the person that helps them save their life. So please, keep listening, keep supporting, keep caring and never give up on them.

Lisa Catallo is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and the owner of Panorama Wellness Group.  She works primarily with women who have survived an abusive or traumatic experience.  She originally posted this article on her own website, www.lisacatallocounselling.com.  If you would like support in helping someone who is in an abusive relationship, please reach out to us at Panorama Wellness Group.

The BC Society of Transition Houses has a number of resources available for women who are experiencing domestic violence. 

Call the Ending Violence Association of BC to speak to someone about resources that are available throughout BC at 1-800-563-0808

Find a counsellor who is trauma-informed and specializes in helping women who have survived abuse.  We have a few counsellors at Panorama Wellness Group who can be a resource for you, and if we aren’t a good fit, we will help you find someone.