Social anxiety: Feeling lonely in a crowd

You might wonder at times why you struggle to want to get together or hang out with friends. It could seem strange (frustrating, even!) that you feel both lonely and anxious at the same time while in a crowd.

Your loneliness leads to some feelings of isolation, maybe sadness or what feels a bit like depression. You can’t seem to shake it or “get over” it.

Part of you likes the feeling of being alone. It might be comforting or safer, not having to worry about what others might think of, say, or how they might treat you. There’s no need to consider carrying the conversation. Any anxiety you feel when thinking about social situations just melts away when you are alone. There’s no concern about saying the wrong thing or feeling embarrassed.

Another part of you might wonder why you’re so worried about this. Thoughts of being judged by others, humiliating yourself or again, that potential of awkward silence when there’s no conversation seems a bit like you’re over-thinking.

Yet, that over-thinking may naturally lead you to worry that others will look at you and notice how anxious you look. Maybe your chest turns a bit red and blotchy, your upper lip sweats, your hands shake, or you feel a bit out of breath. These are some physical symptoms of anxiety. You worry that others would definitely notice that. More than worry, you might fear they will judge you (out loud and to your face!) for that – that brings feeling of embarrassment.

Some research shows that negative early life experiences or conflict within your family, bullying at school (or home), or negative social experiences might lead to reduced confidence or low feelings of self-worth. These might keep you from social experiences. You might identify with the suggestion that a traumatic experience led to these anxious feelings.

If some of these thoughts and information resonates, you might be struggling with symptoms of social anxiety.

Let’s pause for a moment and validate the very real fear and anxiety you might be feeling.

Can we also take a moment to recognize that this fear of being around, watched, or judged by others can legitimately affect the way you experience yourself and your social life.

You are not alone.

And you can experience healing, hope and wellness.

Social anxiety affects individuals uniquely and in many ways. I’ll share a few experiences that I see most often in my clients.

MENTAL SYMPTOMS

It’s common that social anxiety might cause you to think not only negatively about yourself, but also to notice thoughts spinning through your mind. Your perceived weaknesses or flaws (which we all have!) seem overwhelmingly significant. It’s like there’s a spotlight on those weaker areas – it can be hard to adjust your thoughts. You might even feel you can’t find your words or express them in ways that sound coherent. When you notice this about yourself, your internal monologue might sound something like, “Others aren’t going to think I’m smart” or “If I say anything, I’ll probably offend someone, or say something stupid – so I might as well not talk”. Then, the fear of that dreaded silence or conversation lull takes over.

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS

Physically, you might notice your stomach flip-flopping. It’s not uncommon for my clients to tell me they get nauseous. Some throw up. It’s also very real that you might notice your heart racing, or your chest is heavy. You might notice you get out of breath and your words start to come really quick. (That’s part of your thoughts spinning, as mentioned earlier.) I have noticed clients trying to minimize these physical responses, trying to shrug them off as “stupid” or “ridiculous”. You might believe that if you minimize these thoughts, they will go away. I’d like to take a moment and empathize with you that these are as real as any physical injury. They are very uncomfortable and very real.

Have you noticed how you react or behave when your mind and body are responding this way? Typically, you might just avoid the situation. After all, if you’re feeling nauseous you won’t want to risk getting sick in public. That would be awful! Avoiding the situation helps momentarily…until the next social opportunity. Alternatively, you might head to the event or gathering and make sure you engage in protective behaviours like drinking to help numb those nerves, or making sure to keep your phone close in case you need to scroll. Avoiding eye contact and keeping quietly to yourself likely feels safer than making yourself totally available to connect.

            So, how can you start experiencing some relief and healing?

I think it’s so important to validate yourself and your struggle. Recognizing and trying so hard not to minimize your experience with social anxiety is profoundly compassionate. If this compassion seems like a bit of a stretch, why not start with some curiosity?!

I love engaging in curiosity with clients because it means that together, we are reducing self-criticism (that often comes hand-in-hand with minimizing or self-shaming). When you can reduce that self-criticism, you create space to better understand yourself. You open yourself up to just a little bit of wonder and, for lack of a better word…openness. Curiosity allows you to explore what might have happened to you – what experiences you knowingly or unknowingly went through – to have brought you to this place.

Being curious about that racing heart, that reel of thoughts spinning through your mind, that need to drink-to-become-numb, allows you to begin exploring some of the “why” behind the anxiety. The hardest part about this is that your defenses – those parts of you that work to keep you feeling safe – they might jump into action. You might notice you avoid starting counselling or, once in counselling you try not to think or talk about the discomfort of this struggle. That’s so understandable – of course you don’t want to talk about this. It is frustrating, confusing, and anxiety-inducing.

A tool that I have found to be very helpful with my clients, to begin calming some of that anxiety – and one that you can use on your own, is the Headspace app. This app guides you in some mindful practices for just short periods of time, daily. Mindfulness can help keep you grounded in the present – which is both relaxing, tension relieving and stress/anxiety reducing. Anxiety lives in the past and the future, so spending time mindfully in the present is powerful.

Can I encourage you? As a counsellor who works with clients struggling with various types of anxiety, starting is the hardest part. And going slowly is the safest way. I appreciate the energy and vulnerability that it can take to simply step into the counselling setting. It takes so much courage! Spending time connecting with you, cultivating feelings of safety, and slowly, curiously exploring some of these very uncomfortable feelings and experiences is powerful. I invite you to reach out and connect – it would be my privilege to work with you to experience healing, confidence and maybe a little joy.