Mother’s Day Reflection - Lisa Catallo

I find Mother’s Day to be a bit of an enigma to me. 

As a woman, I wear many different hats when it comes to Mother’s Day.

First, I am a daughter.  So in that role, I have been brought up to honour my mom on Mother’s Day.  This has taken many different routes over my 55 years, some fun and light and lovely, and others more difficult.  Like many of you, my relationship with my mom is complicated.  I love her deeply, and we don’t always see eye to eye.  And now, this year, she is frailer than she ever has been.  My mom had an accident last year that had her in the hospital and recovering for quite a while.  And now she and my dad are moving into a retirement home.  While we all feel this is the best move for them, it brings up some complicated emotions for me.  My mom is the woman who played the piano in church, worked in a jewelry store, and taught me how to bake.  She is the one who took my young children on adventures and had a “cheezie tree” in her back yard for when they visited.  My mom is the one who nurtured me through my divorce and cheered me on as I healed.  And now I am the one (along with my brother) who is helping her pack up her house, and think through decisions.  The roles are reversing and it’s a very weird place to be.

I am a mother and step-mother to adult children.  How weird is that??!!  It used to be that I pretty much orchestrated how Mother’s Day went.  I was a single mom for a number of years, and I gave them money to go buy me a gift.  Now as a mom of adult children, I have to wait and see if they will initiate a celebration of me.  That feels selfish at some times, and something I yearn for at other times…and how do you ask people to celebrate you??  Pfft. 

As the mother of adult children, I have navigated many different emotions and experiences related to Mother’s Day.  I have delighted in my children and in my role as their mom.  I have celebrated their successes and cried with them in their pain.  I have had to separate my identity from theirs, and learn how to let them be free.  I have had to learn to give up myself to be their mom, and then figure out who I am again once they were out of my “nest”.  I am so proud of each of them, for the things they have been through, grown through, and the adults they have become.  They are a piece of me, and yet they are as individual as can be.  It’s like that saying goes…they are four people who are walking around with a piece of me.

I am the mother of a teenager.  Yep…weird, right??  I had a surprise baby early on in my second marriage.  So I have been parenting for 31 ½ years now.  There are parts of me that feel like she keeps me young, and then others that wonder if I’m giving her enough of me, because I’m a lot more tired than I was with the other kids.  And yet she is basically an only child, so she gets a lot more of me than my other children got too.  I question my ability and strengths as a parent (as does my teenager), and then other days I feel like she’s the luckiest person alive because she has a mom who’s been through this before.   

I am also a grandmother now.  Let me tell you…that’s probably one of the easiest roles yet.  I get to love on that little one and then not have to be the one up in the middle of the night, or figuring out all of the ways he needs caring for.  And yet I also am acutely aware of the role that I want to play in his life and in the lives of his parents.  I want to be a support and someone they all lean on, but not the person who is nosy or making them feel like I don’t think they know what they’re doing.

There are parts of motherhood that I absolutely love, and there are parts that I struggle with more than any other role that I play in my life.  There are times when I feel super confident in this role, and other days when I hate scrolling through Instagram and seeing how every other mom has their shit together except for me. 

For me, Mother’s Day is about love, joy, fulfillment, pain, loss and grief.  All mixed in to one day.  So if you are feeling any of those things, or all of them at once, I hope that this helps you know that you are not alone.  There are three things that have helped me through a variety of Mother’s Days in my past…maybe they can help you…

1.      Get rid of social media for a day…or two.  Monday can be just as hard as Sunday for me.

2.     Be fully present in whatever you choose to participate in related to Mother’s Day.  If you’re given a day on your own, soak it in and allow yourself to relax.  If you end up being the one to make dinner and plan your own day, find something in the menu or time together that fills your soul even if nobody else particularly enjoys it.  If you end up alone on that day, find a way to take care of and protect yourself…even if that means crying and feeling the pain.

3.     Reach out to someone who can support you during this time.  Whether it’s the week leading up to Mother’s Day, the actual day, or the whole month.  Who is in your life that can listen to you and be there for and with you.  Some times that’s explicitly asking for that support.  Other times it’s just you choosing to be with certain people and you’re the one who knows why.

If you need extra support this Mother’s Day, no matter what your role is, please know that the therapists at Panorama Wellness Group are all here and would be honoured to be your sounding board and place to process all the things you are feeling.