3 Tips for Improving Communication in Your Relationship

Couples with a strong friendship have a lot more access to their humor, affection, and the positive energy that make it possible to have disagreements or to live with them in a much more constructive and creative way.” - Dr. John Gottman

What comes up for you when you read that quote? Does it resonate with you? Is friendship with your partner something you have or something you wish you had?

Before we continue, I’m going to make the guess that you ultimately want to remain connected to your partner. That you don’t want to ever feel alone or forsaken by your partner, even during a fight. That you want to be partners and friends - not adversaries.

However, you may feel hurt by your partner…or you feel you may have been the one to cause the distance…and this unaddressed pain may be taking away your desire to do and say the thoughtful or romantic things you used to. Perhaps you just want your relationship to feel united…to feel close again. But you just don’t know where to start.

I would love to propose three tips and insights that may be helpful to address the pain and strengthen your friendship. It is my hope that these ideas will give you some language to start expressing what you need or want in order to move forward together. There are so many things that could be offered under the wide communication and friendship umbrella, but let’s start here.

1. Bridge Separation

The primary challenge in any relationship is to learn how to have togetherness without loss of separateness, and how to experience separateness without loss of togetherness, as Dr. Gordon Neufeld says.

And so, the idea here is to try not to do or say anything that makes your partner feel disconnected, while simultaneously holding onto what you are bringing to the table. Anger, sadness, frustration, hurt, etc., can exist, absolutely. However, without knowing it, it’s easy to push our partners away and cause alarm to arise. The goal is to bring the alarm down. When feelings of separation come up, it can feel scary. If you feel alarm rise in you when your partner says or does something, perhaps you can use this language in a conversation with them.

Bridging the separation, even during a fight, looks like making sure that the connection is maintained. This looks like giving assurance that the relationship is valued and secure while allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling.

If you feel stuck within conflict and just want to leave, my challenge for you is to communicate with your partner that a) you care, and b) you are coming back. And it can be simple. For example, “This is really bad right now…but we are going to get through this. I love you. Can we please take a time-out and continue this in the morning?” Or perhaps you could say, “Hey, what you just said really hurts. I need to take a break for a few minutes. When we come back, I’m hoping we can talk about this differently.” If you end up needing more time apart, it is important to let them know. Following through on plans is key for building trust.

This bridging tip is about bridging to the next point of contact, and so it can also be implemented when you are not in the midst of conflict. Perhaps you are both about to go your separate ways for the day or for a week. This is natural separation, which isn’t necessarily positive or negative. What is something you could do to ease the feeling of separation and build connection, no matter how you are feeling?

My personal favourite is saying something like, “I’m looking forward to ______ with you later and hearing all about _______”. The more specific you can be the better. The goal is to remind your partner that the separation won’t last forever, that you are in their corner, and that you are not going anywhere. Truly, the more separation can be bridged, the more safety will build. Consistency is key, and the impact (safety, trust, connection) will come in time.

2. Turn Toward

Second, something important that goes hand in hand with the above point is turning toward your partner when they give bids for connection. A bid for connection is anything you or your partner does or says as an attempt to connect. Connection almost always requires our attention, softness, interest, and receptivity. What your partner does as an attempt to connect with you may not interest you, however, and this may result in you not responding to their bid. If this happens, it is called a failed bid.

For example, your partner may excitedly point to a bird outside and motion for you to look at it with them. While you may think it’s just about the bird, it’s possible this moment is about something deeper. In fact, it is very likely that your partner is reaching for you on a heart level - eager for you to turn toward them with a smile, eye contact, warmth, interest, etc. When your partner points to something, it is likely they don’t need you to be interested in that specific thing - they need you to be interested in them. This is a prime opportunity to ask your partner a question or to draw them close. This may be what they actually need from you - even if they themselves are not aware.

Or perhaps you are the one regularly extending bids for connection. Perhaps you attempt to connect with your partner by asking them about their day, or by sharing something that happened in your day…and they do not seem interested in talking or listening. Maybe they are watching TV and seem annoyed with you or don’t unglue their eyes from the screen. This would also be a failed bid, and I am sorry if you have experienced moments like these.

Often, the person who is trying to connect with their partner will continue to extend bids for connection until they just can’t anymore…because it hurts too much. This is when they will start pulling away…and then the walls will likely go up, causing emotional separation.

So, how do you know when your partner is extending a bid for connection? Or what do you do when you experience failed bids for connection? I believe it is all about studying our partners…building awareness around how our partner asks for connection and when might be a good time to extend a bid.

Our partner may not receive our bid for connection if their capacity is low, even if they may want to connect. Or perhaps they are simply unaware that you are looking to connect with them. If you are recognizing right now that your partner has felt distant from you, this could be because they are tired of trying, as mentioned earlier.

The best place to start is to talk about it, perhaps over a meal, and to focus on what you can control. For example, communication begins with the non-verbals. When your partner talks to you, a place you could start is ensuring your body is open and facing them (arms uncrossed, leaned in) and aim for your tone to sound curious and gentle. Demonstrate that you want to hear them out, that they are important to you, and that you care. If the conversation turns into a fight, remaining in an open posture will likely be difficult, however, it may help diffuse the moment. Body language speaks volumes.

One more thing: every person yearns to be invited to exist in the presence of someone who cares for them. Every person also needs someone who is absolutely crazy about them…who delights in them. The hope is that an intimate partner fills this role. That they can be a place of rest, provide undivided presence, and communicate care verbally and non-verbally. Small choices to turn toward and respond to bids for connection can hugely affect the course of the partnership and deepen any friendship.

3. Ownership over Criticism

This last tip has much to do with how we speak to our partner. Language is so important! You may have heard about avoiding “you” language, but stick with me. I want to expand on it.

When we feel that the conflict we are experiencing will be resolved only when our partner apologizes or changes course, this will usually cause us to use critical words - and sometimes without realizing it.

Criticism often uses the word “you” paired with dramatic language. For example, it could sound like, “You never ______” or “I feel that you don’t ever listen to me”. When we feel criticized or misunderstood, we will naturally become defensive or shut down. However, when we share our more vulnerable feelings and own our feelings, this allows us to gain understanding of one another rather than enter into or continue a destructive fight. So, for example, you could say, “Sometimes when we talk, I feel unheard and invisible.

Emotions are meant to give us information. By intentionally sharing how we are feeling, we are letting our partners into our world and this gives them a chance to repair/change course. While the behaviour of your partner is important, your feelings cannot be easily disagreed with. Focus more on how you feel rather than your partner’s behaviour or the surface issue.

Another example: Rather than saying, “You are always late for dinner” or “I feel that you’re always late” say: I feel [insert how you feel when your partner is late] when I cook dinner and start eating it without you.

Check out this list of feeling words - the more specific and vulnerable the feeling word, the more likely this can bring about connection.

I have one more thing to add here: when you bring up a concern to your partner, and after sharing how you feel, share what you need or what will feel good for you. And ensure that you speak from a place of self - a place of confidence and congruence.

For example, “Sometimes when we talk, I feel unheard and invisible. What will help me feel connected to you is if you can demonstrate that you hear me by sharing what you heard me say before you respond.”

Partners usually respond well to specific requests because it helps them know what to do to be successful. This approach is an excellent replacement for protesting and demanding...or silent treatment. It communicates care and respect, and once again, the hope is connection will build.

Understanding relationships is more akin to unraveling a mystery than following a scientific method or adhering to a set formula. What I am offering may not perfectly align with your specific circumstances, but perhaps the underlying principles resonate with you.

If what I shared feels hard to implement right now, or if you are curious about whether couples counselling could be healing for you and your partner, please reach out! It would be my joy to connect with you. As I am pre-licensed and under supervision, I am offering in person or online sessions at a low cost in both Surrey and Langley. If you are unsure, I welcome you to book a free 15-minute phone consultation with me and we can figure out if I am a good fit for your needs.