Importance of Early Attachments in Adult Relationships

Children by definition are dependent, and with their dependency comes tremendous vulnerability. For the first five years after birth, our brain develops more than at any other point in our lifetime. The new neural connections or synapses created at such a massive rate of early development have a lasting impact on our ability to learn and succeed in the years that follow. This rapid progression of synapses informed by both positive and negative experiences during these years determine factors like motivation, self-regulation, problem solving, and communication of an individual. As we grow older, it becomes harder to create these synapses. So, childhood is crucial for cementing a lot of higher-abilities that contribute to our overall potential and health in the future. 

These intricate networks of synapses are what make the brain such a complex organ. Since we all forge associations and bonds with others around us in order to function and survive in this world, the complexity of our brains often reflects in our relationships as well. Our brains are wired to deal with emotional needs and form attachments according to these foundational neural connections that were established during infancy and growing-up years.

What is Attachment?

In simple terms, attachment can be defined as a basic human need, which is essential for fabricating an individual’s social, familial, and romantic aspects of lifeas well as for formation of their sense of self. It can be understood as the enduring emotional closeness that binds us with others, especially with those whom we are the closest to, both romantically and non-romantically or platonically. This feeling of attachment is what brings us together as families and helps children grow up to be self-sufficient and independent, among other things. 

Attachment begins with the early social interaction between a baby and their caregiver, which affects thebaby’s cognitive and socio-emotional development. Under the influence of the caregiver, the baby’s brain forms life-long templates/patterns for preconceptions regarding the value and reliability of all relationships. These templates/patterns come into action when triggered environmentally or internally as the baby matures. After attaining adulthood, they dictate how the individual communicates, deals with intimacy, tolerates, forgives, trusts, sets boundaries, perceives threats, and devices ways to protect themselves against physical or psychological harm in relationships.

Attachment Theory and Attachment Styles

During the 1930s, while treating emotionally troubled children in London, British psychologist, psychiatrist, and psychoanalyst John Bowlby wanted to better understand the anxiety and distress that children experience when separated from their primary caregivers.He came up with attachment theory in the 1950s, which posits that children need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver for normal social and emotional development. He viewed attachment as a "lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”. Attachment theory states that humans are born with an innate drive to form a close emotional bond and seek proximity with a caregiver for basic needs like comfort and protection. Later in the 1960s he was joined by American-Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth, who expanded on the theory further. Their work gave birth to the various attachment styles people can develop based on their early experiences with caregivers.

Different Attachment Styles

Anxious Attachment: It is characterized by a constant need for reassurance and fear of rejection. Adults with this style tend to be clingy, emotionallyneedy and volatile. They can also find it challenging to communicate due to their insecurities.

Avoidant Attachment: Also known as dismissive or dismissive-avoidant attachment, individuals with this style struggle with closeness and intimacy in general. They are emotionally distant, come across as overly independent, and are quick to withdraw from relationships.

Disorganized Attachment: This style is also referred to as fearful-avoidant, wherein individuals are emotionally extreme or chaotic. Although they are more available and dependent in their relationships than dismissive-avoidants, they fear connection and have poor boundaries. 

Secure Attachment: People with this style are confident and responsive in their relationships. They are trusting, as well as good at providing comfort and a sense of safety to others. Plus, they do not hesitate to set appropriate boundaries when required.  

Changing Your Attachment Style

Even though our attachment style is embedded in implicit memory and directly influences our relationships for ourentire lifespan, it is not necessarily permanent. It can change as we grow older or even from one relationship to another. Identifying your own attachment style is an exercise in self-empowerment and is beneficial for mental well-being and healing. Especially, if you find yourself struggling with either creating new connections or preserving your existing relationships, you must first recognize and be aware of your own attachment style. Navigating relationships in life does not have to necessarily be exhausting, upsetting, or disappointing. Even exploring your partner’s attachment style can provide new insights into your dysfunctional relationship with them. 

With the guidance from a therapist and some self-work and patience, you can overcome your attachment challenges and remedy the behavioral and psychological missteps that have prevented you from having healthy, positive relationships. 

If you would like to learn more about your attachment style or seek improvement in your relationships, connect with us at Panorama Wellness and our team of experts will be happy to help. We offer in-person and online counselling through our offices in Surrey and Langley. You can contact us here.