How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Your Family this Holiday Season
Even though you may feel like isolating yourself after you have undergone any emotionally or physically harmful or threatening event, talking about your trauma is always recommended with a therapist, support group, and even people you are close to and trust. Slowly opening up to socialization can provide additional emotional support and strengthen your sense of belonging within your family and community, which help combat trauma. Positive social interactions on regular basis are known to boost resilience and since all individuals are unique and they respond to traumatic events differently, creating certain boundaries and using them as guidelines while you plan events with your family is important. Especially during the festive season that can be exhausting as one is often obligated to be around friends and family, one must be careful about not letting these events upset your journey of restoration.
What Are Boundaries?
Setting boundaries means being in-charge of the small things that are within your control, so that you can shield yourself from disturbance or unpleasantness. It is the method in which you identify and chart out your own limits for yourself and apply them through action and communication. Contrary to how it might sound, healthy boundaries are not solid walls designed to keep others out of your life without a reason. Instead, they should be viewed as sliding doors that can be opened or closed as necessary to ensure your complete well-being as well as that of your family, and can be successfully deployed even in tight-knit family structures. The advantages of creating and following them are:
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care and never let anyone convince you otherwise.
You end up saving a lot of energy and time. They also decrease anxiety, stress, and prevent burnouts.
Boundaries help increase self-respect and sense of autonomy, which is imperative for all individuals.
Besides improving your mental health, setting boundaries also improves the overall quality of your relationships if followed consistently. After all, every healthy relationship must allow for personal integrity and space.
How to Plan Family Events by Keeping Your Boundaries Intact?
Begin by diving into your inner world and get comfortable with your own beliefs, emotions, feelings, and ideas. Learning more about yourself will help you realise the reasons for hosting/participating in the family event and what your aims and priorities are. Also, try to differentiate between what is of real value to you apart from anyone else’s demands or expectations.
Now create a list of your boundaries for the event. You can talk to your therapist regarding this, who can aid in giving you a clearer picture of how you can conduct yourself and prevent your trauma from ruining your social experience. You can even discuss about any particular family member whom you often struggle to amicably communicate with.
You can even categorize your boundaries as ‘hard’ or ‘soft’. Hard boundaries are non-negotiables, which you can never compromise on and need to act on instantly. They are the boundaries which are unconditionally unacceptable to you. Softer boundaries are flexible, which are more aspirational in nature. They might not always be achieved but must exist so that you can confidently make choices that are aligned with your needs and manage your energy better.
Be mindful of the guestlist for the family event. Avoid family members who are disrespectful or are dismissive of the trauma you have experienced. Families can also at times be quick to assume and/or judge. Instead of giving you support, they might shame, guilt, or alienate you in ways. So, decide carefully about whom you want to interact with and if you are comfortable with the venue/space where the event is being held.
Communicate your boundaries very clearly with your family and be as specific as you can about them to avoid any misunderstandings. You can do so in advance before the event or as the situation presents itself during it. The key is to communicate your boundaries in a polite and respectful manner, while respecting the boundaries of others.
Distinguish your triggers and identify their sources to eliminate or reduce your exposure to them. For example, consider alcohol-free holidays and gatherings with your family if you know that others might be more likely to overstep your boundaries when they are under the influence.
Irrespective of the type of trauma you have undergone, you may consciously or unconsciously experience lack the desire to socialize. Being present in the moment can be challenging as trauma can bring upon a disconnect between the mind and body. Or you might freeze up or be in a state of hypervigilance as you feel unsafe at times. Prepare for these issues beforehand and talk about the possible solutions with your therapist.
Some parents or elders can be overbearing and quite intrusive. Setting boundaries with them is never easy. They might undermine you and still think of you as a child, failing to recognise your independence. The best way to handle such family members is by reinstating your boundaries with them the moment they are crossed. You need to be assertive during such conversations, not confrontational.
Lastly, the road to recovery is long, so be patient and kind to yourself. Even if your initial attempts to socialize with family fail, there is always a next time. You can take a break and try again if you are willing to do so and when you are ready later.
If you are interested in learning more about setting healthy boundaries over the holdiy season, please reach out. I offer in person counselling in Langley and Surrey and can work online as well. I specialize in families and couples counselling, which can help me if you are looking for individual counselling as I bring the whole family perspective to the work that we do. You can contact me through our contact form or email mridul@panoramawellness.ca. I look forward to helping you reach your goals for healthy boundaries with your family.
