Your Guide to Difficult Conversations
Adulting is hard. The older we get, the more we are expected to act responsibly, while maintain a balance between our personal and professional lives, and this often consists of sensibly managing our relationships on both these fronts. Especially when it comes to our personal spheres, healthy and genuine ties with friends and family provide us with a sense of belonging and serve as a source of joy and support. But there are times when conflicts or differences arise and talking about them becomes imperative.
It is not easy to bring up negative emotions (like anger, disappointment, jealousy, shame, etc) with the one/onesyou care about as you may worry about hurting or offending them. There is a very real fear of damaging the relationship to the extent that is never the same again or lost forever. But discords are an essential part of our evolution as individuals, and as a rulecommunicating about your feelings with the person concerned not only frees you from the burden of pretence with them (which you might have to indulge in so as to make everything seem ‘normal’ with them) but it also leads to improved mental health as talking about these difficult matters boosts your confidence and self-esteem. So, here are some steps to get you started:
Prepare Yourself: Before opening up with the other person/people, you first need to have an inner dialogue about the matter yourself. Self-awareness is paramount. You should be clear about the issue you need to talk about, what your concerns are, and set your boundaries regarding the situationaccordingly. This will help keep the conversation streamlined as you will be less likely to stray from the issue when it is being discussed. Also, weigh the pros and cons of having this conversation with them in the first place as objectively as possible.
Plan: It is always wiser to fix up a suitable place and time in advance with the person/peopleconcerned rather than just be impulsive and spring up the difficult topic on them spontaneously. Nobody likes to be ambushed this way and it is more likely that they might act closed or defensive towards what you have to say. Deciding to meet up with mutual consent will facilitate a more cordial environment to discuss the arduous subject and will help them and you both be mentally prepared for it. While meeting in person is the best, if that is not feasible then any other form of face-to-face interaction is recommended instead.
Keep the Conversation Open: Communication is a two-way process and it is equally important to be a good listener. After putting your message across, be patient and respectful to what the other party has to say. Acknowledge and validate their feelings and perspective. Avoid any prejudice against the other person/people or making assumptions of any kind during the conversation. It can be tricky to balance the fine line between being assertive and over-bearing, but ideally you should treat others the way you would want to be treated yourself.
Focus on Problem-Solving: It is common for conversations about delicate or intimate subjects to digress or get out of control. But your main intension should be to arrive at a mutual solution and prevent your ego or temperament from sabotaging the talk. Compromises can be reached without damaging your self-respect, provided that both the parties are willing to do so equally.
Be Grateful: While negative emotions bring us discomfort and misery, talking about them does not necessarily have to. Remind yourself to appreciate the efforts the other person is undertaking while engaging in this difficult conversation with you. And regardless of what the outcome is (even if things are not resolved immediately or go the way you expected), do not forget to thank them for their time at the end.
It has been traditionally believed that women are better communicators since they have a natural ability to deal with emotional and complex topics and use more non-verbal cues (like gestures and facial expressions) to express themselves as compared to men. But since we now live in a post-gender society, these notions are debatable and it is more important to focus on individuality of the person/people you need to have the difficult conversation with instead. We are all unique in our own way and we are a product of our social conditioning, life experiences, and circumstances. Hence, adopt a compassionate and positive attitude throughout this process. Stereotyping of any kind should be highly discouraged.
So, if you have been abstaining or deflecting from having a difficult conversation with a loved one or someone close to you, then wait no more as talking about these issues will only make your relationship more meaningful and stronger in the long run. Those individuals who truly care about you or are willing to stick with you in life will do so, irrespective of these challenges in your relationship. If you need additional help, then do discuss the matter with your therapist who can further guide you about the nuances of effectively dealing with negative emotions and ways to talk about them appropriately.
I would be honoured to walk alongside you as you try out different ways of having difficult conversations with people in your life. I work out of both our Langley and Surrey office and have availability on the weekends.
