3 Ways to Stay Connected as the Fall Busyness Begins

I recently read a post from social media sharing that:

“Friendship is the essential ingredient for a vibrant fulfilling relationship”. 

However, if you are like me, I don’t talk to nor connect with my friends daily.  And while I believe there is truth to this statement, life just gets in the way sometimes.    My friends and I connect intentionally, during special occasions, celebrations, or  sometimes, by accident like running into them in the grocery but we do not live with each other nor speak to each other daily. 

So, if my partner is my best friend, what does it mean to be a friend to them? 

In the anticipated days of the coming Fall months as new schedules arrive, you may be ask yourself how you can be intentionally connected with your partner?  How do we care for our partners and our relationship?  Here are a few suggestions from renowned therapists like John and Julie Gottman as well as Esther Perel.

(1)    Constantly make and accept bids to connect. 

John Gottman refers to bids as a unit of emotional communication.  Bids can be verbal or nonverbal and are simply requests to connect.  It might be an expression, a comment, a question, a touch, a wink. a knowing look, or an affectionate squeeze.

Gottman continues by suggesting that bids are often purposely subtle because people are afraid to be vulnerable and put themselves out there. It’s scary to say, “Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!” so instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we’ll receive connection in return, but if not, it’s less scary than pleading, “Connect with me, please!”

Take the time to make more bids for connection with your spouse. But more importantly, pay attention to your partner’s bids. Put down your phone, and start listening. 

Here are some simple ways to do this:

• Whenever there is an uncharacteristic comment or action that was made by your partner, try not to judge nor brush it aside, but turn towards them and be attentive by asking clarifying questions. 

• Try to create romantic opportunities wherein when you  or your partner take a step forward, pay close attention to what happens and see if it is reciprocated. 

• Do not mistake paying attention to intention.  Attention, as Matthew Hussey in his book ‘Love Life’, defines it is simply the energy someone is giving you in the moment.  Intention, on the other hand, signifies a genuine desire to see where things might go and can be harder to identify sometimes. 

• Don’t let the attention that you may be getting distract you from the actual intentions that can sometimes be underneath.

Of course, none of us are perfect and can always be aware to catch the bids our partner is making nor are we able to release our connection bids at the right time.  Bids can either be big or small, if your partner is not able to catch your bid, try to be forgiving and not to build resentment and distance.  Perhaps, more smaller bids might work better, pay attention to your partner’s bids and look out for their sighs, winks, or even a brush on your arm. Or teaching them when a bid was missed and what you meant by it.

(2)    Create routines and rituals

Esther Perel in her ‘Letters From Esther #19’ blog defines “Routines as concrete and repetitive actions that help us develop skills while creating continuity and order. Rituals are routines elevated by creativity, driven by intention, and imbued with meaning."

It may take as much as 21 days of repetitive action for a routine to become a habit, however intentional practice allows our mind and body to remember them.  When we do something on a regular basis, it becomes a lifestyle, creates a pathway in our brain.  After that we can reconceptualize it so that we can add something to it. 

According to Esther, rituals and routines are both about delineating between space and time and creating a grounding rhythm, a predictable structure with a reassuring, calming, and stabilizing effect. They can also overlap. Going out for walks after dinner is a good routine as it allows both parties to exercise, but it becomes a ritual when we can create a special time between you and your partner to unwind together.  When intentionality and mindfulness is brought into the routine, they become rituals that can be meaningful to both parties.

Another suggestion from the Gottman’s that is good to keep in mind is the 5-to-1 ratio.  Try to make 5 positive experiences for every 1 negative experience.  Positive experiences can include giving each other a foot massage, watching a funny movie together, going for walks together, holding hands. It does not have to be big gestures.

(3)    Plan a winter getaway to look forward to.

This does not have to be an all-inclusive  trip to a warm resort, it can be a staycation where you can disengage from the hurried life and relax.

Planning together means you are both involved and in it together.  Whether it means choosing over a hotel or an AirBnB, it becomes a joint effort and a joint decision. 

Jointly deciding on details before the trip allows you to get to know your partner better. Some of the key learnings can be

• do you and your spouse view money differently

• meals?  Determine in advance how to make sure you have at least one memory making meal together.  Decide on a budget for meals if necessary;

• what activities do you want to pay for while on vacation, what spots do you need to see and which ones can you forego;

• anticipate extra expenses, decide with your partner the amount you are willing to spend on extras.  Decide the autonomous amounts you are comfortable in spending that will not require your partners approval.

Finally, be giving to each other.  If your partner is not a fan of the activities you want, give each other the time to get away and power down.

After the getaway, remember that you worked together on a shared, specific project and managed to be flexible and giving towards one another, as well as connect with one another in a meaningful way. Acknowledge that you completed a project together.

And just like any difficulty that you may experience, whether life gets busier or more hectic, these too will pass, and trust that you have each other.  Continue to challenge  and be gracious to each other and as an old African proverb suggested: “If you want to go fast, go alone.  If you want to go far, go together.” The road can be much longer than what was expected, so fast may not be the best strategy, why not try going farther instead.

If you are looking for ways to connect with your parter, or start to try more bids for connection, please reach out. I offer in person couples counselling out of our Langley, BC office.