Three Things to Do if You Experience Flooding in Your Relationship

There is something big that can happen with our emotions that isn't often talked about. We have all likely experienced it, even if we don't have the words for it.   

It's called "emotional flooding."  

It usually happens in an instant without us realizing it, and it can seriously impact our most intimate relationships. Let me tell you more about it and how to navigate when you or your partner are flooded.   

What is "emotional flooding"?  

Picture this: you and your partner are in a disagreement, and your partner says or does something that suddenly cascades you into a different space. Rather than feeling minor frustration or annoyance, your emotions suddenly turn a sharp corner. It's like these emotions are pushing you into a deep dark hole and whatever your partner is saying, you can't hear anymore.   

You may feel like something has taken hold of your body. Your temperature skyrockets, your muscles clench, you have a guttural feeling you can't shake, and you have a strong need to take action, such as fleeing (tuning your partner out or stonewalling) or fighting (acting critical, contemptuous, or defensive).  

The psychologist John Gottman, who several decades ago pioneered groundbreaking couples research, defines emotional flooding in relationships as this:  

"a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving conversation."   

It is normal to emotionally react in an argument. But when we're set off and can no longer have a calm or rational discussion, we are flooded.   

Why does it happen?  

Flooding happens the moment our sympathetic nervous system detects a threat to our safety. In this moment, it prepares us to survive by propelling us for action. It is a response to high stress and can be linked to our childhood, trauma, or a basic unmet need – food, a nap, or some solitude might just be the answer.    

Ultimately, what feels threatening to each of us might be entirely different. Feelings of abandonment or feelings of being invisible during childhood might threaten how safe we feel in our relationship with our partner today. When words or actions are said that bring memory to these feelings (especially on a body level because our bodies remember everything even if we can't recall it on a cognitive level), that might trigger flooding. One of the hardest parts about this is the mysterious factor if you cannot explain the 'why' behind it on a rational level.   

And so, in summary: when we are emotionally flooded, the words that leave our mouths or the actions our bodies instinctively do will likely be chaotic and desperate attempts to survive the moment. Our thinking brain is turned off and stress hormones are flying. The brain is convinced there is a threat (stemming from trauma or high stress), but without a predator to escape from, it's confused. And in its confused state, it quickly appoints a new target as the perceived threat: oftentimes, your partner.  

Unfortunately, when we are flooded, we are not at our best because our nervous system is busy trying to protect us. These are the moments when we are most likely to do and say hurtful things that deep down we don't mean, erupt in anger, run away, hide, etc. Tone of voice and facial expressions are easily misinterpreted, and our ability to be empathetic is about impossible to access.   

Being the one who is flooded and being the individual at the receiving end of extreme flooding can make us feel helpless. I'd love to propose three ways you and your partner can navigate flooding.  

Three things to do if you experience flooding in your relationship:  

1.        Bridging before giving space.

Ultimately, space from each other is probably a good first course of action, with a caveat: try not to just leave. Instead, take a moment to reassure your partner that you will be coming back and that you'll be okay. Why? Any kind of separation, especially in an already heightened state, will often cause even more alarm. You might say, "Hey, this is hard right now, and I'm feeling hurt by your words. I get it, though; you're flooded. I'm going to give you space, but I'm coming back. We'll be okay."   

2.        Calm everything down.

The first thing to remember is that when flooding happens, the nervous system cannot detect safety but rather a threat. And since the logical part of the brain is turned off, it is not the time to work through the disagreement further. A shift needs to happen toward calming the environment rather than heightening it so that your physiology can return to normal. You might choose to do these things before or after you give each other space:  

·       Pause speaking   

·       Deep breaths 

·       Going for a walk  

·       Turning on some soft music 

·       Wrapping yourself in a cozy blanket  

·       Dimming the lights  

·       Eating some food  

·       Taking a nap  

·       Remember what is good and true about your partner 

3. Be proactive.

If you or your partner are prone to flooding, have a conversation when you are calm and not in a conflict and agree upon a plan of action for when flooding occurs next time. Ideas of what to talk about could look like:  

·       Familiarizing yourselves with each other's triggers  

·       Talking about when you both typically become easily agitated  

·       What you both need from each other in moments of heightened emotion  

·       Talking about a repair plan. For example, you might agree that you won't let a conflict go unresolved for more than 24 hours. If this is the case, discussing timing, location, and communication within your plan is helpful.   

·       Consider therapy. A marriage therapist can support you in the process of being proactive and gaining tools to navigate flooding. A therapist can also help facilitate a space where you and your partner can do the hard work of tending to hurt feelings and seeking forgiveness for the hurt caused by flooding.

If what I shared feels hard to implement right now, or if you are curious about whether couples counselling could be healing for you and your partner, please reach out! It would be my joy to connect with you. As I am pre-licensed and under supervision, I am offering in person or online counselling sessions at a low cost in both Surrey and Langley. If you are unsure, I welcome you to book a free 15-minute phone consultation with me and we can figure out if I am a good fit for your needs.