How to Responsibly Respond to Your Child Coming Out

As we move into a postgendered era, the proverbial “coming out of the closet” continues to be a monumental milestone for many individuals around the globe. The mainstream, heteronormative cultural or societal structures at times relegate the existence of LGBTQIA+ individuals, who see and experience life differently by breaking free from the archaic norms and binary-obsessed rules. And as this segment continues to struggle for their rights and for greater recognition and acceptance in many countries, the National Coming Out Day, which is observed in countries like Netherlands, Ireland, Switzerland, and United Kingdom besides the North American continent, plays a significant role in raising awareness towards a more inclusive world.

Role of Parents

In psychology, we are often confronted with questions regarding “Nature vs. Nurture”. As difficult as it may be to separate the two at times, the part that parents play (or even their absence does) in our lives is significant.

As challenging and daunting as coming out to the world can be, coming out to your own parent/parents can be even more so.

The risk of rejection or abandonment, combined with the insecurities that children who identify with diverse gender and/or sexual orientation face are things which they expect to be understood the most by their parents. After all, accepting and loving your child unconditionally is the basis of good parenting and it affects their long-term health and development.

The gender identity of most children becomes clear to them around puberty, when they develop their gender characteristics and romantic attractions. However, many LGBTQIA+ youth often share that they sensed something "different" about themselves very early on in life, as far back as preschool sometimes. Irrespective of their age, whenever your child decides to come out to you, the least you can do is to understand your child’s perspective with an open mind.

As surprising as it may be, parents need to be affirmative about their child’s gender identity and/or sexuality and help them explore and express themselves freely.

Supportive parents aid in enriching their children's lives with self-acceptance, inner strength, and confidence and can prevent them from falling prey to anxiety and depression.

The Dos and Don’ts of Responding to Your Child Coming Out

Here are a few ways you can facilitate a more open and supportive environment for your child who identifies with a diverse gender and/or sexual orientation:

Do Not Deny or Ignore

Your primary response to their coming out has to be that of compassion and support, even if you still need more clarity on the situation. Be grateful to them for trusting you with this information and for allowing themselves to be vulnerable with you. Sometimes parents do objectively accept their child’s coming out but deny or ignore it on a daily basis as they “do not want to make a big deal about it”, or are scared of the cultural or societal repercussions. But acknowledging your child’s identity in all its facets is essential and your child needs to know that they can count on you in life to provide them with a safe haven, no matter what.     

Avoid Any Assumptions

Post-coming out, parents often fall in the trap of assuming certain behaviours or lifestyle choices of their child. In spite of the popular stereotypes regarding the LGBTQIA+ community, especially when it comes to their appearance, interests, or career choices, every individual’s life journey is unique. Instead of coming across as overbearing by acting like you know it all, simply ask your child respectfully about their feelings and experiences to learn more about them.

Communicate and Discuss

Since the quality of communication has a direct impact on relationships, to ensure the overall well-being of your child and family it is important to check-in with your children from time to time, irrespective of their gender or sexual orientation. Be mindful of your child’s space and their willingness to open up further with you post their coming out (given the difficulty or sensitivity of the subject). Avoid comparisons and shaming in any form.

Work out apt times to have these conversations so that you are fully present and practice active listening. Coming out is also a life-long process, and hence requires multiple conversations and discussions. Also, use example of LGBTQIA+ role models (their trials and successes) in general to keep your child motivated and assure them that they are not alone. Be vocal about your disapproval of slurs or jokes based on gender or sexual orientation in your own social circles and in the media.

Become an Ally

Besides asking your child about the various ways you can support them, make an effort to learn more about the larger LGBTQIA+ community and connect with them. Get involved with organizations that are working to create a better world for your child and others like them. Advocate for safe spaces where children can explore interests without judgment or stereotypes and encourage activities outside the conventional gender expectations. As children who belong to diverse gender and/or sexual orientation are more susceptible to bullying, help raise awareness and contribute to or host anti-bullying events in neighbourhoods and schools in your vicinity.

Get Help and Use Available Resources

There is no shame in admitting to your own limitations as parents and getting external help as many parents do need their own support system in order to cope with and understand their own emotions and concerns after their child comes out. If you have a partner, then ensure they are on the same page as you and both of you work towards your child’s requirements together as a team.

Talk through the process and your emotions with your own therapist. Getting professional support as you navigate this change in your family can make all the difference at home.

Explore your local library for LGBTQIA+ related books and other media. Join online communities and workshops aimed at helping you navigate and keep yourself updated about the dynamic world of LGBTQIA+ issues. 

If you, or someone you know, is navigating this area of life and supporting children, we would be honoured to walk alongside you. A number of us offer counselling for adults, and I am trained and passionate about helping families thrive through doing work together.