Setting Boundaries over the Holidays
Fall is now settled in, and the holidays are just around the corner! It is around this time that you might start thinking that setting some healthy boundaries might be important. What are boundaries, you ask and what does it mean to set them?
Boundaries are essentially, limitations. They are ways to allow us to set safe, realistic restrictions with our emotions and physical well-being.
An example of a boundary is being able to make a decision that is satisfying and limits the feelings of stress. For example, there may be an abundance of holiday functions and with those invitations may come feelings of being overwhelmed and time restricted. In order to limit these stressful feelings, you might create a boundary (decision) that you have decided to only attend one or two functions.
Setting this boundary could provide more time and space for you to enjoy other activities, or to take care of yourself emotionally. Boundaries are a way to do what is acceptable and satisfying for you and your relationships as opposed to only thinking of others. Setting boundaries over the holidays can help you enjoy your time, energy and relationships in a new and more authentic way.
Here are a few other examples of healthy holiday boundaries:
Limits on spending/purchasing gifts
What dates and times to have company
When to host dinners and how many people
Limit alcohol and substance use
Not working over the holidays just to please others
Changing past traditions for different, more fulfilling and less stressful plans.
Events that have happened in the past that brought up uncomfortable feelings
Did reading the above examples leave you feeling confused and wondering how you can change what has always been? Or how do you change expectations without hurting others’ feelings or maybe feeling guilty yourself?
First, think of it this way, you are NOT responsible for anyone’s feelings or emotions during the holiday season…ONLY your own! AND you can only control your feelings and how you feel over the holiday season. This means that maybe in order for you to feel your best and be the happiest, you could try to limit the time spent with those individuals or those settings that bring some sort of negativity or discord over your existence. Or you could simply say, “no unfortunately I/we can not do that this year”. There are no explanations needed as these are your boundaries to ensure you are fulfilling your holidays. In saying this, it is equally important to remember when others set boundaries to be mindful that maybe they, too, are trying to be conscious of their emotions and happiness over the holidays, and not to become offended if a person or persons do not accept a dinner invite or limit the time they spend visiting with you.
Secondly, start to think of things in the past that you didn’t enjoy doing or times you felt rushed and stressed, make a list of a few settings or persons involved. From this list, you can start to decide what you wish to eliminate or limit yourself to.
Lastly, think of boundaries as a way of taking care of yourself and your family. Boundaries safeguard our self care and allow us to expend our energy and focus on only those things and people that make us feel joy, and happiness and connection. They help us create safe spaces in our lives and make us consider needs that are most important to us. Boundaries are not meant to ruin relationships or cause tension., It is, in fact, quite the opposite., When you set your boundaries with thought and intention, properly and meaningfully they may strengthen your relationship by creating connections at times and places that are right for you. At first, it is possible that the people you are setting boundaries with may become offended because they aren’t used to you saying no or limiting time with them. However, if you are consistent and honest, those relationships will adjust.
The holidays are still a few weeks away, so now is the time to spend time to consider what boundaries you wish to set so you can be sure to implement them for the best holiday season. Remember, this may seem difficult to do and if you find yourself not knowing where to start, talking to a counsellor to figure out may help. If you wish to talk out feelings of frustrations and/or confusion that relate to the holiday season please reach out to Panorama Wellness Group and make an appointment with a counsellor that is a good fit for you.
