Creating a Healthy Relationship with Your Child(ren) – Attachment Part 3

It’s hard to believe when you held your sweet babe for the first time, that they could ever not want to be close to you. Be it at the hospital just after birth, in a foster home, orphanage, or really anywhere – those first moments are precious. Whether your child came to you by birth or any other path, holding that bundle was likely the most celebratory moment. If your child came to you a little later in life, perhaps through sad, hard circumstances, holding or hugging them was likely also one of your greatest joys! These moments, as beautiful as they are, are still a bit fear-provoking.

Every parent ever has had questions like…

• How do I bond with my child?

• Can I keep them close like this their entire life?

• How will I make all the right choices for them?

• My parents did a really bad job raising me, how can I change the pattern?

• I am too young/old/single/…what if I screw this up? 

• My partner and I can barely keep our crap together. How do we raise a decent human?

In the first two of this three-part series on attachment, I looked at types of attachment and attachment with your partner. I invite you to read them for context and maybe some insight. 

Quickly, there are three types of attachment, and some psychologists identify a fourth. If you have an anxious attachment style you really need others and look to them for validation and feelings of safety. If you have an avoidant attachment style you don’t need others, and you don’t seek reconciliation for example, in the face of disagreements. You might identify as securely attached if your sense of value or self-worth is not dependent on others – you know you are worthy of love and belonging. If you experienced a chaotic, traumatic and maybe abusive childhood, you might identify the most with a disorganized attachment style.

As a new or even a seasoned parent, you might wonder how to be a perfect parent and make all the right choices for your kiddo. Spoiler alert: you won’t. And that’s okay! You won’t be a perfect parent. Please know, none of us are! In fact, not being perfect means you’re human! The great news is that the research shows that you only need to make the great, wonderful, healthy attachment and relationship choices about 30% of the time, to raise a securely attached child. I don’t know about you but as a parent, I had a little party when I learned that. 

So, how do you raise a child who has a secure attachment style? 

Connection. 

Connecting with your child, being interested in what they are interested in is a big part of the ballgame. If you consider who spends the most amount of time with (school aged) kids, it’s not you. It’s their friends and their teachers. So, moments of caregiver connection are invaluable, and they have to be intentional.

Connection can look like being a chauffeur for your kiddo and their friends. It could mean McDonald’s runs, Pokémon, Instagram, Snapchat and yes, maybe even playing those games you really have no interest in…like Minecraft, Mario Kart and eek – maybe even Fortnight. You might suddenly find a new interest in golf, rugby or an instrument if that’s what it looks like to connect! Connecting over food is also a prime moment to connect because your child can’t flip their lid while they are eating! 

What does it mean to flip their lid? 

It means they are not connecting.

It means they are not feeling secure. 

Their flight, fight or freeze instinct (their limbic system) takes over. As a toddler or young child, this looks like pitching themselves on the floor screaming. As a teen they might yell back and stomp away, slamming the bedroom door. 

This is not the moment to connect. When a child is in a dysregulated (in a highly emotional) state and their lid is flipped, calming down is not in the cards. Age-appropriate consoling is - a gentle hug, verbal reassurance (tone is as important as words), and a positive facial expression. As a teen, this could mean leaving them to calm down in their room if that’s where they have gone. Leaving them alone in the moment will allow for opportunity later, to have a conversation. To connect well with your child, check yourself, too. Maybe you also need a time of quiet and calm?

I recall the moment I heard the phrase, “no dysregulated parent has ever calmed down a dysregulated child”. And no truer words have been spoken. I believe it was Dr Jody Carrington, one of my favourite child psychologists who said it. I invite you to watch one of her many talks on lid flipping and connection. 

When your child is calm, their lid is no longer flipped. Their prefrontal cortex is back in action, and they are in a more regulated place. They can be reasoned with. When the prefrontal cortex is working, they will realize that they aren’t under some sort of threat. They are rational. You can have a conversation. Here, make sure they feel secure in who they are – that they are loved, safe, that they still make you proud. You will need to verbally remind them of this. It’s their choices that aren’t appropriate.

When you raise a child with a secure attachment style, they will still have lid flipping, meltdown moments. We all do! However, once they have calmed down and their limbic system (flight, fight or freeze) is no longer in action, they will hear you and better respect what you have to say. Regardless of the circumstances, they will know they are valued, loved and safe – their prefrontal cortex reminds them of this because it has stored up this information from the first moments of life. 

One of my favourite things after work last year was to come home after an evening shift and open a bag of chips and dip with my eldest and hear about his day…or sometimes, just engage in the most random conversations and belly laughs. It was the least health-conscious thing, and it was the best way to connect. His siblings were in bed, it was late, quiet and something we both anticipated (…not just because of the chips and dip). Through the summer he has occasionally asked, “chips and dip?”. I know he wants (needs!) to connect. We talk about highlights and lowlights, good and poor choices, what his friends did that was ridiculous and maybe how he is regretting joining in. We talk about different choices if he could have a redo-moment. I’m sure chips and dip is as important to him as it is to me.

If you’re finding some of your own childhood relationships are challenging the way you’re able to connect and attach with others including your kids, partner or friends, I’d love to meet with you. I find it so encouraging that we can adjust our own attachment style. It does take work, and you might find counselling helpful.