You, Your Partner, and Your Relationships Part II
It’s a little crazy and pretty fascinating that those first several infant, toddler and childhood years play a role through the rest of your life when it comes to relationships! The quality and the type of your early childhood relationships influence the type of relationship(s) you have in adulthood. Those first few days, weeks and months of life, when all your communication was non-verbal, has affected these later years. The way you were treated at a very young age also set your expectations for what love to be like.
In the first blog of this three-part series on attachment, I outlined a little bit about three main attachment styles. I shared the three most common styles in Part I. I find these three to be the most influential but will mention a fourth that can really play into marriage and intimate relationships.
The first was an anxious attachment style: Your primary caregiver was inconsistent in how they cared for you like not being physically or emotionally reassuring. If you have a partner, you may find that you need to hear from them throughout your day and grow anxious when they don’t connect with you frequently. You likely think better of others than yourself.
The second was an avoidant attachment style: Your primary caregiver was unavailable for you in childhood (due to divorce, mental health, work, etc.). When you argue with a friend or your partner, you brush it off as not bothersome…it’s their loss. You may tend to think better of yourself than others.
The third that I shared was a secure attachment style: As a child, you received non-verbal cues like eye contact, an amicable and soothing tone was used, and facial expressions were warm and genuine as an infant and onward. Your sense of value and ability to be loved is not of concern, because you know you are worthy of these.
The fourth style that I’d like to suggest is one addressed by couples’ therapists called disorganized attachment: This tends to happen as a result of a chaotic, abusive, traumatic environment and as a young child you weren’t able to develop a real understanding of security or safety.
As we look at intimate relationship styles specifically (but also within the realm of friendships), you may notice that often opposites can attract. For example, as an individual with an anxious style, you might be drawn to someone with an avoidant style. Why? Well, you appreciate their independence and need for no one. In turn, they love to feel needed. Eventually you begin to feel neglected when they don’t need you as much as you need them. And they may begin to feel a bit suffocated by your ongoing need for their reassurance. You don’t want to say anything for fear of how they might react because your primary caregiver was inconsistent in how they responded to you. If communication breaks down, you may become more needy and this in turn pushes them away.
The encouraging reality is that you can change your attachment style. It will take work. Counselling can be very helpful to help cultivate an awareness and work through some unhealthy childhood experiences, and how they affect you now. Working through struggles to explore what it is you value and appreciate about yourself, and experiencing self-compassion can increase your personal sense of value and self-worth. In turn, this can begin to help you shift the way you connect with your partner..
Choosing a partner with a secure attachment style can be a wonderful way for you to begin to understand and experience what it’s like to feel safe in a relationship. You shouldn’t have to rely on that individual to always make you feel secure – you need to learn to be secure on your own and love yourself for you. However, a partner who makes you feel safe, valued, and cherished can help you face some of your fears or insecurities. If you’ve been hurt through a relationship, the best place to heal is through another healthy relationship. Meaning, you may have lost trust in loved ones because of how loved ones treated you at a vulnerable young age. Learning what healthy love, attachment and relationships look like in a safe and ongoing context can help you adjust your attachment style.
Dr. Sue Johnson has done some profound work and research in the area of insecure attachment. You might enjoy her book called, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. I appreciate her approach because she identifies that disagreements will occur between partners, but with strong, healthy attachment styles there is always a feeling of mutual security and love. Healthy couples can identify where a disconnect occurs and repair it well, while understanding who played what role (without blame!). This all happens in the context of emotional safety. Rather than avoiding or ignoring moments of disconnection, repairing the relationship or an emotional disconnection can tip the scale towards safety.
As a counsellor, I’ve taken The Gottman Method (Levels 1 & 2) training which is a couple’s therapy aimed to disarm conflict, increase intimacy and respect, as well as empathy within relationships. This approach places focus on the deep value of connection, safety and security within the context of a loving relationship. Identifying attachment fears and fractures is one way I help clients to begin discovering new ways to communicate and (re)connect. Understanding your partner’s perspective (including both of your attachment styles!) is just one integral part of becoming stronger together. I’d love to connect with you and your partner as you invest in your relationship.
