Extending your Family: tips for building relationship with your partner’s parents
When we forge a relationship with a partner or spouse, we often then are tasked with building a relationship with their family: their parents and siblings, and sometimes even their extended family! Oftentimes the relationship with in-laws is portrayed as difficult, strained or awkward. Though there is no one-size fits all approach to building and maintaining a relationship with your in-laws, here are some strategies that might help you communicate, set boundaries, and build connections!
Be clear on what you want and need. It’s tough, if not impossible, to ask for what you want in a relationship if you’re not even sure what it is you’re asking for. Here are a few questions to help you clarify what it is you hope for or need in your relationship with your in-laws:
How often do you want to see them? Weekly, monthly, only on major holidays?
What role do you want them to play in your life? Will they be people you rely on for help (e.g. moving, childcare, etc.)? Will they be involved in your daily life?
Are there things you would prefer not to share with them, whether that be experiences or information? Perhaps you will want to vacation with them in the future, but would not want them involved in issues within your marriage, or planning of your finances.
Are there conversation topics that you want to have off-limits? Oftentimes, areas of tension include politics, religion, conversations around health and / or body image, and their differences of opinion regarding parenting styles and decision.
Work with your partner. Your partner is your teammate in navigating this relationship. Perhaps they are better able to communicate with their own parents than you are; maybe they can help you generate ideas or compromises that would work for both parties. As best you can, try to have agreed upon boundaries and expectations for your in-laws with your partner so that you can be consistent across conversations.
Communicate your boundaries. No one can read minds, so you’ve got to state what you want and need. However, keep in mind that this means your in-laws will likely state what they want and need too. Assertive communication, or the “gold standard” approach to communication, balances the respect for yourself and respect for others in every interaction. Making your needs and boundaries clear is a kind thing to do, for yourself and for your in-laws. Though compromises are likely to be needed, remember that you are the only person who can decide your level of obligation and commitment of time and energy into the relationship. Especially if guilt tactics, aggressive communication, or ultimatums are given by one or more people, it’s essential for you to stick to your core values and boundaries to avoid resentment, burnout, and exhaustion.
Remember too that you can use different means of communication! Maybe writing an email or a letter, sending a text, or making a phone call is more realistic or effective for staying in touch with your in-laws. Though video calls and in-person visits may be preferred, varying your types of contact can help you protect your time and energy during difficult times.
Set and maintain boundaries. It’s common for people to forget boundaries, or unintentionally cross them especially when relational boundaries are new. Reminding our loved ones of our needs isn’t selfish; in fact, it gives them clear instructions on how to love and respect us best. Here are a few ways to communicate when a boundary has been crossed:
“I noticed that you were frustrated when [ex. I didn’t text you back right away yesterday]. While I know you were [ex. eager for me to respond], I’m no longer able to commit to [ex: responding immediately. In the future, please call me if there is an emergency, or wait for my response when I’m able to reply.”
“I’m not able to have dinner with you every week, but I can commit to once a month”
“I know you prefer it when I come to visit, but for right now I am only able to call you.“
“You have asked me several times now to do [a specific activity]. My answer is still no, and I will let you know when my answer changes. Please stop asking me.”
Allow your boundaries to change as you need. As life changes and your priorities shift, you may also notice shifts in your relationship with your in-laws. Give yourself permission to change boundaries, give allowances or reduce contact in line with your evolving needs. It’s also important to note that changing your boundaries to better protect yourself and your family is an act of self-care; if your in-laws constantly violate boundaries you have set, and they show no signs of changing their behaviour, then you can and should set different boundaries as you need.
If you need more support or guidance with boundary setting, assertive communication, or navigating challenging relationships, our counselling team is here to help. Visit our website and reach out if you would like to book a free consultation or appointment.
