Parenting in an Emotional Time
Covid-19, coronavirus, pandemic. These words have become a staple of our current society and vocabulary. They also elicit a wide range of emotions in us.
During this time, we are all experiencing emotions in an environment and situation unlike any other. Each of us is trying to manage our energy levels to keep moving through our days. We are also in a time when parents are struggling to control their emotions and still support their children. So how in the world are you, as a parent, supposed to support your children and help them with their emotions?
Our society and culture have only recently become aware that it has become normal, but unhealthy, for us to suppress or ignore our emotions. We are slowly addressing this, resulting in many schools rolling out emotional intelligence curriculums that will help children learn skills that support their emotional health. And yet in the meantime, how do you help your children be self-aware, understand and communicate emotions in a healthy way at home when you might not know how to do it yourself?
The answer is that you have to practice the same skills yourself and show your children that it is okay to feel emotions.
How can I help my children express emotions?
Emotion and Language
One way that you can teach your children that it is okay to feel emotions is to use emotion words in your everyday conversations at home.
We learn to talk by repeating what the adults in our lives say. If emotional words aren't used, we don't learn them. Beginning by acknowledging your own emotions and using emotional words can be scary and often hard since you are likely out of practice; however, it is the best place to start. Managing your reaction to emotions is not possible without knowing what the emotion is.
As a parent, you want to protect your children by not letting them see your emotions because you might be concerned that they might be too “big” or overwhelming. And yet children are the world's best lie detectors. They know when you are hiding something.
Children do not need you, as their parent, to be perfect.
Your children need you to be BIGGER, STRONGER AND WISER than they are. Stronger does not mean avoiding negative emotions. Stronger means controlling your reaction to your emotions. Stronger also means showing your emotion in a healthy way that your children can learn from and emulate.
Start by using the emotion words appropriate to your child's stage of vocabulary. If they have never used any emotion words, start with the most common core emotions: Sad, Angry, Happy, Surprised, and Fear. Before you try identifying emotions in your child, get them used to hearing the words by describing how you are feeling.
Accepting Emotions
Another common response to emotion is to try and solve the problem. Solving the problem can feel like it negates your child’s (or your) feelings. If you come home angry because you've been suspended from work and your partner starts talking about finding another job, you may feel like they're ignoring how angry you are.
If you negate your child’s feelings, they will not share their frustrations with you again. They will learn that they are supposed to hide their feelings. Hidden emotions do not stay hidden. Eventually, they begin showing themselves through behaviours.
Showing your child that it is okay to share their anger by using their words gives them the outlet for that anger. They also develop trust that they can bring it to you instead of having to put it away.
The word 'but' needs to be removed from our vocabulary:
'I know you're mad but…' indicates to a child that being mad is not okay. Try changing 'but' into 'because.'
When you use 'because,' you show that you understand and accept that emotion. So instead of correcting behaviour immediately, 'I know you're mad but…', you are able to show that you understand the emotion and can give it a name -- "I know you're mad because your sibling didn’t ask…'. Once the emotions are calm, you can correct behaviours without blocking their emotional expression.
Emotions and Behaviours
As a parent, you may want to correct behaviours and teach your children how to act. You may want to teach them what behaviours are not okay - this is a good and useful skill, a required part of parenting, but you want to avoid negating the emotion too. How can you do this?
Emotions are a biological response. They cannot be controlled. They cannot be put away. Your body will keep track, and the emotions will come out. What you get to choose is how you react to the emotion. The same is doubly true for your children whose brains are still developing; and often are not able to calm their own emotions or access their logic when feeling strong emotions. Until this development is completed, being able to express their emotions will be the only way they are capable of accessing the logical part of their brain and work towards controlling their behaviours when they are feeling big emotions.
Emotion Coaching for Parents
During this time of living through a pandemic, you may have more emotions than you might otherwise experience. Your children are no different. I want to help you show them the way to share those emotions healthily and appropriately. If you're interested in learning more about these skills or in receiving more dedicated coaching around providing emotional regulation skills to children please contact our team to discuss options. Teaching emotion coaching is one of my passions. I get a lot of satisfaction from seeing a parent learn ways to help their child be able to express their emotions in a safe and acceptable way.
Graham Caesar is a Registered Clinical Counsellor working out of the offices of Panorama Wellness Group. He is passionate about working with kids and families as they navigate creating a safe environment to be vulnerable and express emotions in a way that they feel heard and accepted. He also works with children and families who are navigating the world of ADHD and the way that impacts family life.
