How do you have secure attachment with your graduate?

If you blink, you might be able to take yourself back to that moment you first held your tiny human. You can recall what they smelled like, that newborn cry and there’s a small part of you that remembers how hard those days without sleep were. You can recall the beautiful moments and you also know there were some really really hard days.

Blink again, and you might recall kindergarten graduation. It seemed like the sweetest event and maybe a bit over the top, too. You might reflect now on how you wondered about their high school graduation – who would your small human be by then?! Or perhaps it seemed like a lifetime away and too far away to imagine. How would an itty bitty (wild and crazy) five-year-old grow into a fully (ish) developed human being?

You might have wondered what your relationship would be like? Would you be the parent you swore you’d never be, or the one you’d always dreamt of? How many books would you need to read to be a “good parent”…what even is a good parent, you might have wondered.

The reel in your mind of parenting your now-graduate might spin some days more than others – in particular on the ones when their school asks for a photo of their early years, or perhaps when your kiddo lets you know they’re headed out with a friend. Driving. Alone. (You might hold your breath until they get home!) That worry for them? Part of you might always experience that. You are their parent after all. The one who carried them through these years – some days, rocking your parenting gig and other days feeling like a failure.

I think that’s the journey of parenthood, isn’t it?!

Wondering whether your child feels connected enough to you to be their own person and also maintain these family roots you’ve worked so hard to plant, nurture and cultivate?

Knowing they can be the person they want to be, and you’ll be proud of them, trusting of them, there for them; that you will value them and challenge them when needed.

In a secure attachment relationship, when your graduate was young you had the privilege of being their caretaker. That literally looks as it sounds. You cared for them, provided for them, nurtured them, redirected and corrected them. You were wholly responsible for them. You were responsive to them before they were verbally able to share what they needed. You read their body and sound cues. When they made poor choices, you tried your hardest to navigate discipline well. You did your best to help them regulate their big emotions by connecting with them, rather than spiraling into the emotional vortex that may have been your “threenager”. Sometimes you got it right and other times you didn’t. You were able to be honest with them (age appropriately) and share with then that you were sad about their choice. And that you still loved them and were proud of them.

In a secure attachment relationship, when your child stepped into their middle and high school years you were able to take on more of a coach role. You helped them navigate some real-life-hard situations. You might have felt like a bit of a screen-time-prison-guard sometimes. This new territory in the world of technology was a lot and while you may have trusted your child deeply, you trusted nothing about their phone or what was happening on it. When you coached them well, you took a slightly more sidelines approach in that – as hard as it was – you watched them make both some of their best as well as absolutely-not-ideal choices. You were there for them when they celebrated or suffered failure. You were disappointed in the outcome of their choice, but you continued to engage with them – you didn’t shut them out. When you did show that emotion rawer than you’d have liked (because let’s be honest, as parents we hold a vast array of emotions, too!!) you could recover and repair the relationship. It might have been messy, but you fumbled through it. You learned. Both of you learned. In this, your child likely felt seen, they (unconsciously) noticed and experienced your willingness to repair any ruptures in the relationship.

            Now.

            Today.

Your child is no longer a child. Your child is a full-grown human. They have a long way to go in the world of development and growth. But you are now the parent to a graduate. An adult. So how can you know if you have a secure attachment with your graduate?

Today you are more of a consultant. Your child will come to you for insight, wisdom, a shoulder to cry on and sometimes even because you are a safe place to blow up in – they know you can hold space for them in this. Wow. What a privilege.

Can we pause, take a breath and allow you the space to both celebrate yourself and grieve that your baby is no longer a baby? They don’t need you the way they did. But they still do need you.

Your not-so-tiny human still needs you.

When your not-so-tiny human…your graduate…feels securely attached they will reciprocate some of these examples you have set for them through the years. They will reflect some of what you modeled. It’s possible that as you read that last sentence you thought to yourself, “shit, I can think of five times in the last season that I lost my lid at my kid…”, and start to spiral. Can I remind you that the human brain has a negative bias?! It’s common to go straight to the negative – all of your ruptures will come to mind, possibly before the repairs or the wins. But when your child has been parented in some of the ways described above, you can rest assured that they feel safe, secure and attached.

Your secure graduate will continue – as they did in those toddler years – to venture out further and further from you. (It might happen all at once – it’s okay to try and hold space for both your immense joy and worry for them.) They will return. Be it in phone calls, texts, Instagram reel shares, tagging you in a post, and of course in coming home for food…this will be your graduate’s way of indicating, showing and living out your hard work at this secure attachment.

All of us parents can think back and recall the sharp moments. Vulnerably, I can think of one from very recently. In that moment however, I knew my graduate was able to take in some of how I was responding to him, and process that it was a heavy week for me. And when I reached out soon after to apologize, he was quick and open to receive. (And then send me an Instagram reel that he knew we could both find humour in. In some ways, he is beginning to reciprocate much of the attachment cues that I have been modeling since he was all of 6lb 11oz.)

Parenting is hard work.

It’s the absolute hardest.

So, of course it’s the most rewarding.

If you’re struggling in this season of your life – your child is a graduate and this life transition is hard, or you’re trying to navigate the shift in this relationship, I invite you to reach out. If you’re wondering what a securely attached relationship could be like with your younger children, I also invite you to connect with myself or another therapist here at Panorama Wellness. We would love to support, connect and walk with you through this season.