Forgiveness and Healing
Mary and her husband Martin had three children. Mary was quite content with her married life of 20 years and enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom. She thought she had a stable family until she discovered that Martin had been cheating on her with another woman. Mary felt betrayed, experienced a loss of self-confidence, and took a long time to process the effects of this betrayal. Over time, they separated. Over time, Mary regained her self-confidence and peace. She believed that her trauma was behind her and was able to move forward.
Eventually, Mary met another man who made her happy, and she looked forward to a future with him. However, she noticed that she was being critical and judgmental toward her new partner, Jake. When he made mistakes, she was harsh and condemning, making statements like, “I will never let another man treat me that way!” or “I have moved on, but I can never forget what Martin did to me.”
From her statements, it appears that Mary has not fully moved on. She still seems to harbour unforgiveness. During a gentle exploration in therapy, Mary shared that she had decided not to dwell on Martin’s affair and wanted to ‘get on with her life.’
A study on trauma and healing, Song et al (2021) noted that adverse childhood experiences can lead to the development of toxic and unhealthy anger, which may result in depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and other conditions. This is observed in children, adolescents, and adults. Another study by Orri et al. (2008) highlighted that childhood irritability is related to suicide attempts and completions in adolescents. Unforgiveness tends to activate the stress response and keeps individuals in a state of high alertness, leading to unhealthy outcomes. Let’s explore what forgiveness and healing can look like.
How do I know if I have not forgiven?
Mary thought that moving on meant not thinking about or talking about the trauma of betrayal. However, signs of unforgiveness can include negative emotions when thinking about the person or event, bursts of anger disproportionate to the situation, feelings of depression or anxiety, inability to trust, and overgeneralization (e.g., believing that all men can’t be trusted or all women are selfish).
Effects of unforgiveness:
The feelings of bitterness and anger can have long-lasting effects. Research has shown that unforgiveness can change and define our personality, creating a hard, bitter demeanor as we age and stealing our joy and peace. It may also lead to the loss of valuable and enriching connections with others. Beyond its psychological impact, unforgiveness can also affect physical health, with adverse effects on blood pressure and heart health.
Forgiveness can help in several ways. It has a positive impact on health by reducing stress levels, leading to a stronger immune system, improved heart health, and lower blood pressure, as noted by Karen Lee Swartz, Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. It also influences personality traits such as agreeableness and openness and helps maintain better social support networks, relationships, healthy behaviors, and spiritual well-being.
What forgiveness is not:
Graham Bretherick, a retired registered clinical counselor with 40 years of experience, states that forgiveness is not forgetting—doing so would be a form of denial. Forgiveness is also not condoning the wrongdoing. He emphasizes that forgiveness is not magic; it takes time, is hard work, often painful, and usually requires more than one attempt.
What forgiveness is:
The American Psychological Association defines forgiveness as willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair, hurtful, or otherwise harmed you. It involves a voluntary transformation of feelings, attitudes, and behavior so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or similar positive emotions toward the person who wronged you.
How do I forgive?
Start by acknowledging your emotions and the harm done to you. This helps you become aware of how these emotions affect your behaviors and work to release them. Graham states that forgiveness is a choice. It begins with choosing to forgive the person who has offended you. It is the only way to avoid being victimized for life.
Mary realized that moving on did not automatically translate to forgiveness. It was a choice and an action. She realized that forgiveness is free, and has no side-effects. “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that the prisoner was (her)” Corrie Ten Boom, Holocaust survivor.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that the prisoner was (her)” Corrie Ten Boom, Holocaust survivor.
If you are interested in working through what forgiveness might look like in your life, I offer in person counselling in Langley, BC and would be honoured to walk alongside you.
