How to Manage Family Expectations During the Holidays
As we enter into the holiday season, you may be anticipating some difficult interactions with family.
Matthias Barker, a psychotherapist, in a podcast interview makes a bold claim that as high as one in four people is estranged from their parent for whatever reason. I think that’s a huge number and with the coming holidays, it makes me wonder how can we engage with family members.
Stephen Covey, the writer of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, talks about synergy as a fruit of all of his suggested habits that happens in a family. Growing up in Asia, I’d like to think of it as harmony. It’s hard to define or describe but you know it when you have it. In music, it sounds like multiple voices combined to produce a pleasing sound.
Covey identifies in his book some habits that drive a family toward synergy and those that leads to chaos.
During the holidays, family expectations can be a challenge to manage. We all wish and hope that our family is as synergized and drama free as we imagine and we expect that our spouses, partners ,and kids can assimilate as smoothly as possible with their grandparents, cousins and in-laws. But what if they don’t or worse, what if our family gets chaotic?
Nedra Glover Tawwab, in her book, Drama Free. A guide to managing unhealthy family relationships reminds us that we can make an intentional choice on whether we want to be part of a healthy, synergized family or a chaotic one. This will look different from one family to another, there is no one right way. My family’s dynamic will be different from my partner’s as well as different for each sibling in my family. Healthy relationships are rooted in love, mutual respect, and connection.
Tawwab continues to state in her Instagram post that it’s a conscious choice to be a part of drama and chaos. She acknowledges in her book that it is not easy to make changes, but it’s possible. Choosing to do something different is hard and uncomfortable, however, not choosing to do anything is still a choice. Hoping that situations or circumstances will become different is not something we can manifest. Change comes from practicing new habits and traditions while building a healthy support system. When people expect me to stay and love my family and spend the holidays with them no matter what, we are invariably being asked to give that family member a ‘get-out-of-jail free pass. And for some people, this is just not worthwhile to go through and rather than get together, they avoid it.
We must intentionally create, maintain and retain relationships that nurture our mental health. This will require time and consistency. Changing myself is the only thing that’s possible and is within my control. Reframing, shifting and managing my expectations, placing my boundaries, curating and selecting who will be part of my community and taking care of myself will ultimately be my freedom from what I can’t control. I can have an influence on them but I need to accept that I cannot ultimately control their behaviours.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents author Linsay Gibson says we must try to step away from our childhood roles if we don’t want to repeat them in our adult relationships. The maturity awareness approach will help you deal with an emotionally immature parent or any difficult, self-involved person more effectively. You will have better results if you try to relate to your parent in a neutral way, rather than trying to have a relationship. First, you need to assess your parent’s level of maturity and approach interactions between the two of you from an observational perspective – focusing on thinking, rather than reacting emotionally.
At the end of the day, holidays are all about rituals and traditions. These are meant to enhance connections in all your relationships. Rituals may mean differently for each member of the family. Rituals can help a child to smoothen transitions to their next stage, it may also mean a sense of belonging or an anchor during changing times for others. Rituals are also used to transmit family values and sense of belonging to a family. Whatever the reason, we are to ensure that everyone feels peaceful, emotionally satisfied and closer to their loved ones. Know that this does not need to be perfect all the time, the goal is to find peace, satisfaction, connection, and acceptance with what is possible and safe for each member.
If you are looking for help in navigating the expectations of your family this holiday season, please reach out. I offer in person and online counselling in Langley, BC.
Happy Thanksgiving.
