How can you have healthy boundaries in your marriage over the holidays?

December is officially here! You might be jumping in full throttle. Or, on the other hand, you might be hesitant as you step into what you expect to be a very full month. Either way, you’re noticing some mixed emotions.

You love so much of what the holidays represent. Yet the dynamics within your relationship can sometimes leave you feeling a little raw. Perhaps memories of unmet expectations from years past come trickling back. Memories on your social media reels or stories might have just popped up and you’re reminded of how some of the traditional events typically end.

Regardless, you want this year to be better. For you, for your partner, for your kids. This year just has to be better. You’re not sure how, but the blurred lines that can be cause for communication breakdowns, ruptures (unnoticeable as well as very noticeable), and disappointment…you just don’t want them to steal from your holiday season.

You’ve heard of boundaries before. You might even have tried to create some – either on your own, or with your partner. But they were exhausting, and they were unhelpful. And you were left feeling like they were too much work. Or, you two argued more about these boundaries, than experienced them as helpful. They felt like rules for your life and some days you might have struggled to remember what these rules were.

If this sounds remotely like your experience with boundaries, can we pause for a moment and notice how difficult that must have been. I am so sorry, that you felt perhaps alone, in trying to do something healthy for yourself. And I am so sorry if boundaries left you and your partner feeling more at odds than together. I’d like to take a few moments to explore boundaries and how they can help you, especially within the context of your relationship or marriage, around the holidays.

Boundaries are created to keep your relationship safe.

At the heart, boundaries are created for you (and your partner, in this case). Boundaries keep you feeling safe. They do take some work, they can take practice, but when you’re on a team with your partner and working towards a common goal, they can improve and protect your relationship. Especially during the holidays!

Boundaries are created around your values.

So, when you and your partner know what you value, these are a little easier to decide. I love this List of Values by Brene Brown. Her suggestion is to narrow this long list down to two or maybe three. This way, you won’t forget what’s important to the two of you and landing on your values together, will feel intentional but hopefully somewhat effortless. The activity and process of reading through, eliminating and deciding together what you two value is in and of itself a beautiful couples’ activity.

You might even create a few date nights around this activity. Spend some time being curious with one another’s chosen values. What is the story behind your partner choosing “fun” as a value. Can you share why you feel deeply inclined to choose “authenticity”. These questions may seem silly, but they are at the heart of healthy boundaries. This intentional time together can not only help you in the area of values and boundaries, but it might be the perfect way to step into the holiday season together: Unified.

The process of looking at values is one I work through in couples counselling. It can be hard, but it will challenge you and your partner to really begin to understand what is important to you, and why. It might invite you two to dig a little, into getting to know each other more. (Yes! Even if you’ve been together forever.) Print off this list and take a few runs at it to really wean down those values you believe can be pillars through the holiday season (and beyond). When you and your partner understand these, your relationship will begin to hold more meaning. You’ll find you share more purpose together and this just feels good! Meaning and purpose are deeply important in ongoing marital health…you can think of them as a compass of sorts. They keep you pointed in the same direction, seeking the same shared goals.

When you and your partner have landed together on these shared values, you can begin to cultivate boundaries. Boundaries help you feel safe, secure in your relationship and connected with one another. Within your boundaries, you two can decide where to give your time, what expectations or obligations you feel you can meet and which ones you will decline. You can decide how to spend your finances. When you have decided what you value, together, these conversations are important to continue having, but they are usually easier. You can anticipate having an idea of whether your partner will agree or not, to whatever the request is. And chances are good that you’ll both align on these decisions.

To clarify a little further, I’d like to share an example. Through the holiday season, many families will gather week after week with friends, family, coworkers, and so forth. The number of invites and events can sometimes become overwhelming and the fun starts to dissipate. The cost of the food, beverages, host/hostess gifts, gas, babysitters and so forth really starts to add up. In the past, you and your partner might have ended up in argument after argument, trying to decide which and how many events to attend.

If you have decided together that you’d like Belonging to be one of your values for example, you can begin making decisions based on this. (Belonging is this beautiful experience of being who you are, knowing you’ll be welcomed and accepted despite your flaws or shortcomings.) So, if you and your partner have decided this is a value you both hold, perhaps the boundary to create together is that you will only attend gatherings where you both feel you belong.

This means if your crazy aunt throws her annual gingerbread decorating party and your partner walks away each year feeling like they are the brunt of the jokes, you two might decide this year you’ll take a pass. Or perhaps your partner’s annual work party is far too rowdy for your liking and level of comfort. Your partner has to attend, but also knows how much anxiety you experience before this event. You might decide together that this year you’ll stay home. You both feel good about this decision because your partner doesn’t carry the weight knowing you’re struggling to enjoy yourself, and you don’t have to suffer through the evening.

Boundaries help make deposits in your emotional bank account.

These shared moments and decisions can also help make deposits in what the Gottman Couples Method calls the Emotional Bank Account. You are intentionally turning towards each other in that you see what the other needs. While you may not be going to the work party together, you both feel connected because you’ve turned towards the other and seen their need. Here, you create mutual feelings of trust, security and respect.

Having boundaries in marriage is so healthy and important. Creating them together can also take time and intentionality. You might find that you and your partner are struggling to begin creating them, or even figuring out what you value together. And you might find it begins to feel safer to step into these hard conversations, when a third party can help guide you. If boundaries are something you and your partner have discussed and you’re a little stuck on how to start, please reach out! I’d love to connect and help you two navigate this together. I offer in person counselling at our Langley office in Murrayville. You can learn more about me in the bio below, or here.