How Does Anxious Attachment Affect a Marriage?
Did you know that every person has a particular attachment style? Your attachment style was developed in very early childhood, even before you could talk. You experienced communication and care in ways that shaped your brain, through your nervous system. Since then, your relationships (both platonic and intimate) have in a way, been experienced or influenced by your attachment style. Knowing that, I invite you not to think of your attachment style as a label but rather as a piece of information, helpful in relating to your partner.
In this blog, I’m going to look at the anxious attachment style and how it can affect a marriage. (Very recently, I wrote on the avoidant attachment style and how that style affects a marriage.) I’m drawing some information from a book I recommend to my clients called, Attached. I invite you to grab this book and dig into it if you wonder whether your attachment style could be at play, within your marriage struggles.
If you notice that your happiness is often dependent upon your partner’s happiness, you recognize a need to be in communication with them frequently or feel panicked when they don’t return the gesture, or you notice even your behaviour changes when you feel your relationship is in any way unstable, you may have an anxious attachment style. In other words, if you resonate with the description above you might say that your attachment system is supersensitive. Any time you feel your relationship is under threat, your brain monitors what it perceives to be safety, which is felt through your attachment figure(s). In this case, your partner. If your attachment system senses something is wrong and is activated, you will find it very hard to calm down until you understand your relationship to be safe, stable, and your partner is there for you.
Unlike individuals with an avoidant or secure attachment style, your anxious attachment style could mean you experience an increased level of emotion more quickly. Any seeming change in your marriage could set you off – you might not even recognize why (until now!). Unfortunately, your attachment style may lead you to too quickly jump to conclusions or respond with a looooot of emotion…perhaps leaving your partner feeling confused, frustrated and possibly overwhelmed.
When you’re activated (feeling all the feels), your brain has one thought: figure out how to regain closeness with your partner. This thought is called an activating strategy. Simply, it means your brain will continue working until it can figure out and successfully experience the closeness – emotionally and physically – that it feels is at risk. Experiencing closeness will right away, re-establish those feelings of security.
In my previous blog, I shared a little about deactivating strategies. These are tools those with an avoidant attachment style use to keep their distance. (A strategy they use to feel more secure.) Those with an anxious attachment style gravitate towards activating strategies. These tools help the more anxiously attached partner to feel closer to their mate. Such strategies include:
Thinking about your partner and only seeing their good qualities.
Struggling to focus on anything/anyone but your partner. This means you may put them on a pedestal…you think more of them and less of yourself.
Noticing anxious feelings when you are apart, which dissipate when you are together.
Believing your current partner is the one and only person out there that you could ever love and if you aren’t in a loving relationship with them, you will end up alone.
Unfortunately, as the authors of Attached share: living like this is like living in the danger zone. You might feel like you’re walking a tight rope with no safety net. You continue experiencing activation (heightened emotion) whenever you’re away from your partner, failing to get a hold of them immediately, or feeling they never initiate connecting/communicating with you. This activated cycle will continue for you unless you are able to begin to recognize and regain some emotional balance outside of your relationship. While it is appropriate (and expected) that you and your partner should rely on each other, when your thoughts or behaviour are wholly wrapped up in your partner, that’s unfair to both them, you, and the future of your marriage.
What’s fascinating is that all it often takes is a quick call or a short text for you to experience reassurance within your relationship. When your partner is attuned to your need for this reassurance, the sailing should be a lot smoother. Communication is key, here! If you and your partner struggle to communicate, you might notice that at times your anxious attachment styles gets the better of you. If you can, at a chosen moment, share some strategies you feel might be helpful in allowing you to feel more secure with your partner. This could do wonders for the both of you.
If you notice you call, text or Snap multiple times attempting to contact your partner, you could be experiencing protest behaviour. Your attachment system is taking control of the situation. It’s trying to soothe you (by feeling some sense of security from your partner)…but it’s not helpful.
Alternatively, you might notice that when your attachment system exhibits protest behaviour, you give your partner the silent treatment. This is similar to one of the Four Horsemen used in the Gottman Method. I often use the Gottman Method Therapy when working with couples. When a partner withdraws (shuts down), we call that Stonewalling. This typically happens when one partner is experiencing flooding or feelings of being completely overwhelmed within or because of an interaction with their partner.
If you are caught in an activating cycle, you may feel this overwhelm. In the Gottman Method, the antidote is physiological self-soothing. This simply means calming your physical and emotional system down. You need to find something that you enjoy doing. This could be walking, jogging, deep breathing, reading a book, listening to music, journaling, knitting, the list goes on. In particular, anything that restores your body’s rhythm is helpful in reducing feelings of overwhelm and re-establishing your baseline. (These suggested activities can all help restore your body’s rhythm.)
There are other protest behaviours, but you have possibly already considered what yours could be. It’s so important to recognize these protest behaviours so you can navigate strategies to reduce them. I again, encourage you to grab a copy of Attached, so you can dig into these. Marriage is already so full of ups and downs…such is life! If you can give yourself a head start and healthy understanding of how your attachment style is affecting your marriage, you might feel not only relieved, but hopeful.
If you feel bringing someone in to help navigate some of the underpinnings of your attachment style (and that of your partner) would be helpful, I’d love to connect with you. It’s so important to know you’re not alone – as a counsellor, my deepest privilege is to come alongside my clients and help undo aloneness. I work with both individuals and couples who are struggling within their past and present relationships. This includes attachment style work as well as many other areas.
