Three Ways That I can Help my Relationship Through Small Actions

You have been thinking about your relationship lately and realized that you haven’t thought about it in a while. Without intending to, you have been taking your relationship for granted and hoping that it will all work out for the best. 

Relationships are like plants.  Nurture them and they grow, neglect them and they start to wither and may eventually die. Small consistent actions - water, sunlight and soil or in the case of your relationship listening, communication, commitment and acknowledging perpetual concerns can help them flourish.

I’d like to help you help your marriage through three small actions - listening, communicating, and identifying perpetual concerns.

Listen

I invite you to do an experiment with me, let’s slow down and check-in. Take a moment and become curious. How do you feel about your relationship? What comes up for you? If you feel something like dread, anxiety, frustration or guilt try to relax more into it. Take some deep calming belly breaths and tune into what’s happening in your body. See if you can identify what emotions come up. Happiness? Excitement? Anger? It may be a combination.  Try to identify all the feelings that come up. What is it like to experience those feelings? Did you notice any discomfort such as an urge to stop exploring or a voice that told you that you shouldn’t be feeling this way? Try and give yourself permission to fully explore and create space for this experience. Sink into it allowing whatever comes up to do so without judgment. 

How was that experience for you? What came up for you? What was it like to be interested in yourself in this way? Imagine providing this experience of being listened to and validated to your partner. What would that be like? 

Communicate

Our current culture can be noisy, and it can be difficult to set aside time free from distractions and judgment. Truly listening to your partner and being interested in what they are saying without thinking about responding or problem solving can be an incredible gift. Taking time to understand and validate your own experience can also provide clarity and may better help you to communicate your needs. 

Imagine your partner coming to you as soon as they get home or after you haven’t seen them in a while, and they immediately provide feedback on something you’ve done. How does that feel? What comes up for you? Do you feel unappreciated or defensive? Angry? 

Similar to what you may have imagined, how and when you approach your partner when you want to communicate can impact their experience and response. A softened start up is approaching your partner in a collected, non-judgmental and objective way. This may look like warming them up with some gentle conversation before you make a request. When giving your partner feedback, this may look like describing what you want objectively and without assigning blame. 

Identify Perpetual Concerns

Take a moment to reflect on your interactions with your partner and focus on the difficult ones for a moment. Are there concerns in your relationship that feel like they come up continuously? Do you feel like you never make progress on these concerns? Does discussing these concerns derail you and your partner from having caring and constructive interactions? Do these concerns make you question your commitment to the relationship? This can be a common experience amongst couples. 

In couples research, Gottman and colleagues found that nearly 70% of couples’ conversations were on perpetual concerns. Perpetual concerns are those that involve typically unsolvable problems related to differences of opinion related to each partner’s integral sense of self. What might it be like to acknowledge that these are perpetual concerns, common amongst couples, that you may never make progress on? Finding ways to converse about these concerns while also recognizing that they may never change is essential for effective communication and may allow you to be more at peace with them and committed to your relationship.

Relationships can feel incredibly complex, stepping away and taking a holistic perspective can help to simplify and clarify things. This is a sample of how you can help your relationship in small ways. If you have been considering your relationship and want to explore more individually or as a couple, counselling can be a safe and non-judgmental space to do this. 

This blog has been inspired by Gottman couples counselling work. If you would like to learn more about the Gottman Couples method check out this podcast Small Things Often or this article on the Sound Relationship House. If you are interested in couples counselling, there are several counsellors at Panorama Wellness that have Gottman training. As a student counsellor at Panorama Wellness with Gottman training, I can assist you individually as you explore your experience of your relationship or work with you and your partner on the relationship together.