How do you manage your expectations of summer break?

It’s half way through summer break! You have waited months for this season of sun, heat, barbeques, friends, relaxed days, and maybe even having your kids around more. So, why do you feel this knot in your stomach and why are you waking up early, feeling like there’s a weight on your chest? 

Summer – as beautiful as it is – might bring this weight, as anticipation has been building for months. You want to soak the most out of every moment and simultaneously, you want to chill out. 

Your kids want to do all the things. 

You and your spouse have big plans to work around the house. 

You still have to go to work.

Or maybe you aren’t working outside the home…and that leaves you with your little people for hours on end.

Unmet expectations, disappointment, anxiety and maybe even a little depression can all creep in for many reasons. My favourite author, Brene Brown says that well-meaning but unchecked expectations are loaded with potential shame and resentment bombs. (She touches on this in The Gifts of Imperfection.) Does that resonate at all? It’s a powerful thought. 

Brown suggests that you may  find that when your expectations are not managed and anxiety creeps in, you begin to under- or over-function. As an under-functioner you end up doing less, and to others you may seem less competent. You find you are managing even less than usual, and your anxiety continues to hit the roof, regardless of how many invites you decline or how much you let daily tasks go. You ask more of others, and your close friends or family start to worry that you are more “fragile”. 

Alternatively, you may over-function in these times. You give out more advice than is asked for, you micromanage, you snap at everyone around you who isn’t moving as fast or efficiently as you and you look outward at all the things to take over and handle. Dr Lerner’s book, The Dance of Connection addresses these two anxiety-driven tendencies beautifully and in more depth. Understanding patterns of behaviour can help you understand yourself better. Increased self-understanding or awareness can help you recognize some of the tendencies that don’t serve you.

So, how do you manage your expectations of summer break and enjoy, or even soak the most out of, these few precious months? Here are a few ideas…

Spend a few minutes alone and consider what your expectations might be. Putting pen to paper is a great way to do this. No expectation is a dumb expectation and there is nothing to feel embarrassed or shameful about. It’s okay if you had hoped to have an hour of uninterrupted time every day to be absorbed in your favourite novel. It’s not shameful to have expected the kids to play quietly alone for at least the first bit of each morning. 

Writing your expectations down may surprise you! You may not have realized how much you were counting on some alone time or some unscheduled moments each day. Perhaps recognizing how much time alone you actually wanted is causing unwanted shame, which is driving that anxious under- or over-functioning. You didn’t realize how much you were expecting your partner to pitch in with summer yard work and now you’re noticing some resentment creeping in.

Writing your expectations down may also cultivate an awareness as to why that depression sits heavy in your chest as you wake up. You haven’t been able to figure out which expectations are realistic, and which are just…expectations. You didn’t realize how much you were wanting to check off that to-do list or get that home reno finished with your spouse. You didn’t know that finances are tighter than you thought, and those extra camping trips you expected to take won’t actually happen. And you may find yourself disappointed. 

It’s okay to linger in disappointment, sadness or other emotions you may be feeling, for a bit. Perhaps dig into that disappointment a bit. Journaling is an amazing way to release some of the emotion. I’ve had clients write their disappointment or experience on a piece of paper and then burn it. That symbolic act is quite cathartic! Talking with a trusted friend or your partner is another way to feel heard and empathized with. Sometimes there is meaning behind disappointment and it’s more than just a missed camping trip that’s keeping you down. Counselling may be helpful here, as an unbiased, empathetic and non-judgemental therapist could help explore the depth under these emotions with you! 

Or maybe…now that you’ve been able to name your expectations and understand the emotion you’re feeling, share them. Share your expectations with your partner, your kids (make it age appropriate!) or others in your circle, to help them understand what you need. Sharing what you feel is important, too. Feelings about expectations are so valid. You may be used to keeping these thoughts, ideas, expectations and emotions to yourself and that’s unhelpful for everyone. You might struggle to share some of this, because being vulnerable is hard. Being vulnerable feels awkward. But it can break the cycle of over- and under-functioning because you are identifying where the struggle happens.  When you identify what’s going on for you, it then becomes something that you can address…or ask others to help you with.

Managing your expectations this summer can begin to happen when you normalize that you even have expectations, put them into perspective and reality check them. You can’t normalize them until you have had the opportunity to identify them though! 

Yes, you have waited months for this change of pace. 

Yes, you hoped for some things to happen. 

Yes, you are struggling. 

Yes, some struggle is normal. But you don’t have to settle for the struggle. 

Putting your known expectations into perspective means you can give yourself grace.

Perspective means you don’t expect to be Pinterest perfect but that you’ll settle for cereal for supper some nights – that’s okay! It may even be fun. Perspective can allow you to recognize that in order to be your best, you do need some time alone daily…even if it means the laundry sits on the couch for an extra day, waiting to be folded. 

Finally, reality checking your expectations means being aware of, and communicating the reality of how you are doing, what you have to give, and what you need from those around you. Are you spent? Do you have only 30% to give? Can your partner give 70%? If not, what can you two work on together? What can you let go? Be honest with yourself. Trust yourself. Extend yourself some compassion.

As an over-functioner, I struggled for years to understand why I could anticipate summertime, and then wish it away just as fervently. It was like the added pressure of unstructured time meant I expected more of myself and others around me. As I grew aware of expectations, shared them with others and normalized them, I started to extend myself compassion. Becoming aware of the important things (self-care, family walks, Slurpees on hot days right before supper) was hard but extending grace to myself and my family allowed me to relax my expectations. (I’m still a work in progress!) 

If you feel like you’re just going through the motions, you are constantly disappointed or your anxiety is getting the better of you this summer, I invite you to reach out. Cultivating connection is a beautiful first step to healing and wholeness. It would be my deepest privilege to participate in your journey, to bring hope to your story and help you experience self-compassion.