How do you know if your relationship has come to an end?

Relationships can be difficult, especially when you fall into continuous arguments that are never resolved. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many couples despite trying to fix things.   Couples can feel hopeless, like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, experiencing arguments that go around in circles over and over and end up more heated than expected. Sometimes couples resort to saying hurtful things out of frustration and being defensive.   It can be a dreadful feeling when sadness, anger and discouragement are what define your relationship. So the question is, When do you fight for your relationship and when is it time to end it? This question can be challenging and complicated and not easy to answer. 

Your relationship can either lift you up with happiness and joy or it can bring you down to the darkest moments in your life. Relationships are complex and change over time. Sadly, you may now be at the point where the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with is an unanswered question. Maybe you aren’t sure and are teetering on the verge of wanting to end the relationship and wanting it to continue. This is one of the hardest decisions you will ever have to make in your life and one that you will want to be 100% sure after it's answered.  

So how do you know if your relationship has come to the end? Or if you continue to commit to it? There is no simple way of figuring this out – there is no handbook or miracle question you can ask yourself or your partner. But there are cues and signs of a healthy versus unhealthy relationship.  

Here are some key indicators of what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like.  You can use these  lists before to to help you with the decision of whether to continue your relationship or to end it.  

A healthy relationship may include some of the following: 

• A place where you are made to feel safe

• Brings happiness to you and your children most of the time (hard challenges and discussions can happen even in a healthy relationship)

• A place to be able to communicate openly and share your feelings

• The ability to feel comfortable in making decisions for yourself and your family

• You feel like a partner and as an equal 

• Most importantly, you feel supported and loved

An unhealthy relationship may include some of the following: 

• Physical, verbal, emotional or financial abuse

• The feeling that you are walking on eggshells when in each other’s company

• Substance abuse that affects you and your family due to unpredictability 

• Feeling unsafe, insecure, humiliated, unsupported

• Inability to use communication or work through challenging times together

Now ask yourself which list best describes your relationship? Are you still uncertain about your relationship? If so, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help you further analyze your relationship: 

• What are you willing to live with and what are you not? For example, does your partner consume more alcohol than you wish they would? Is this a deal breaker that you are not willing to compromise on? Can you approach your partner and have a reasonable conversation about compromises to make your relationship easier together? 

• Is your partner willing to try to reconnect and make sacrifices for you? 

• Do you feel worthy and wanted? 

• Are your needs being met? 

Be truthful with yourself when looking at the questions above.

Perhaps write the answers out to see them in front of you, think about what your answers mean, and to add important points to the answers. It is important to spend some time thinking about what it is you want before making any quick decisions. 

If you feel like your relationship is on the rocks and feeling heavy, then a serious, and likely difficult, conversation with your partner is probably the best thing for both of you. Asking each other questions about how to make life better for each other and what you are willing to do for each other to see positive change, is certainly a place to start. Try to focus on solutions as opposed to the negative aspects in your relationship and go from there. 

If you are finding it hard to talk to your partner about important topics that don’t seem right in your relationship. I suggest making an appointment with a couples counsellor. By doing this, your conversation can be guided and focused in the direction you wish it to be.  Issues that you may not be able to address together may seem easier with a counsellor present to assist. They can help you word things differently so your partner can hear you, and also help you both have the same conversation in a way that doesn’t include your current blaming or criticizing habits.  

Remember, relationships take work and too often people give up too early. If you feel your relationship  is worth fighting for and you are both willing to put more effort into making it work, that is a place to start and certainly a great possibility.