Home For the Holidays

Whether it’s your first or fourth year away at university, the idea of going home for the holidays can bring up a mix of emotion. Maybe the idea of going home is a huge relief… there’s the potential for home cooked meals, sleeping in, getting a break from your roommate, and seeing loved ones. But there’s also a good chance that going home leaves you with a certain amount of dread… Holidays sound great when we think about gorging ourselves on turkey and mashed potatoes, bundling up with a cup of coffee and a good book, swaddling ourselves in oversized scarves and strolling through the Fall leaves… but let’s be honest, it’s a little more complicated than that. Let’s take a moment to acknowledge some of the overlooked realities of going home:

Reality #1: You’ve tasted freedom and you’re never going back!

IYKYK (If you know you know). For perhaps the first time in your life, you’re out on your own: flying solo – away from the watchful eye of mom and dad. No one’s telling you what to do or questioning your every move. You want MacDonald’s at 3AM? Go for it. You want to pierce your nose on a whim because your roommate was feeling spontaneous? Why not. You want to go to a party instead of finishing that paper that’s due on Monday? No one’s stopping you! 

But all that changes when you head home. The freedom and autonomy of being away for school is great. More than that, you’re supposed to experience those things! So don’t be surprised if you find yourself feeling frustrated or moody when you head back home, and your freedom feels threatened. You’re likely noticing the stark contrast of transitioning from your new life back to your old one. If mom asks you how your day was and you find yourself snapping back with, “Stay out of my business!” that might be your first clue that you’re still figuring out how to straddle this line of having your own life while also being able to share it with others. And that’s normal.

When you feel yourself at the end of your rope with your family, take a moment to yourself. See if you can notice and name how you’re feeling. Then try to offer yourself some validation. Maybe it sounds something like, “Yeah, it makes sense that I’m running out of patience. I’m not used to being asked where I’m going every time I step foot outside the house.” Your frustration likely has more to do with navigating this switch than it does with your parents asking you a simple question.

Reality #2: You’ve changed but no one seems to notice. 

University can be one of the most transformative times of your life. You may only have been gone a couple months, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t changed. Not only are you expanding your mind and being challenged academically, but you’re also learning about yourself socially and emotionally. University is a place where you meet people from different walks of life, you engage with new experiences, you’re challenged to discover and expand your own worldview… All these things and more contribute to your human growth and development. Which is amazing and should be celebrated! Go you!

But the unfortunate reality is, your family might not get this or even expect this. And you know what? You might not even notice this until you come home… You’re feeling older, wiser, more mature… but your family still treats you like you’re 16. This can feel unfair and even isolating. But just as you’re learning to adapt to this new season of your life, your family is too. So, see if you can cut them some slack. Trust that them not noticing how you’ve grown isn’t a reflection of you – it’s just that they haven’t had a chance to get to know you and the ways you are changing. If you’re feeling brave, see if you can share with someone in your family what you’ve been learning about yourself while you’ve been away, or even how it’s been difficult to come home and readjust.

Or maybe just take a moment on your own to sit down and reflect on how you’ve changed since starting university. Journaling can be a great way to externalize your thoughts and help make sense of any inner turmoil or confusion you may be experiencing. So, grab a pen and paper, cozy up by the fire (or in your room away from everyone…) and write out what you’re feeling. 

Reality #3: When home is not where the heart is.

Let’s not overlook the reality that for some, home can actually be a really uncomfortable space. Perhaps holidays are a reminder of broken relationships, loss, or unmet expectations. Your life at home might be the furthest thing from a Hallmark movie, and this reality is important to acknowledge. Please be gentle with yourself and ask yourself what you might need to do to cope while being at home. Perhaps that means shortening your trip home – leaving campus a day later or returning a day earlier than your friends. Maybe it means making plans with friends or people while you’re home who fill you up and understand your circumstances, so that you’re guaranteed to be out of the house at certain times. It might even mean that you don’t go home at all. Perhaps you can explore alternatives such as staying on campus or with a friend and their family for a night or two. Maybe you join someone local for a meal. There can be spoken or unspoken expectations from family around the holidays, but you’re allowed to decide what’s best for you – this too, is a part of growing up. So, see if you can assess what you need and devise a plan that feels right for you.

Lastly, check in on your friends during the holidays. It can be a busy time, but for those who find that going home is a struggle, it’s nice to know someone else is thinking of them and cares. A simple text or phone call can go a long way. 

Whatever your experience of returning home after being away, know that however you feel is valid. Take this time to get curious about what comes up for you during the holidays – whether it’s delight and relief to be with your family again, sadness and dread, or anything in between. Consider what you can do to make being home more enjoyable for everyone and give yourself and your family a bit of a break when it feels like a difficult adjustment. And go get that pumpkin spice latte…you deserve it.

Whitney Regan is a Registered Clinical Counsellor working out of the Langley office of Panorama Wellness Group. Whitney spent some time working as a Resident Director in a local university before entering private practice full-time and knows how it can feel to go home for the holidays after having been away for a few months. Whitney works with young adults, women and couples in helping them understand themselves better and process traumatic events. If you’d be interested in booking an appointment with her, please visit us here.