10 questions to help you connect with your spouse
I was on social media the other day and saw a post that gave parents some alternatives to the age-old question: “how was your day at school?”. I don’t know about your children, but mine doesn’t generally provide much of a response to that question other than “fine”.
Things don’t change much as we grow older, do they? How did your conversation go over dinner tonight? Was it something like this?
“How was your day today?”
“Fine”
“Anything exciting happen?”
“Not really. Pretty much the same as yesterday.”
Or you’re out for dinner, away from the kids, and you realize that the only thing you’ve talked about the whole time was what your kids are doing, how to help them, and your friend that has a bunch of problems right now.
If you are in a committed relationship, chances are that you didn't enter into it hoping that one day you would sit across from each other from the table at home or out at a restaurant just staring at each other in silence and unable to think of something to say to each other. It's more likely that you had (and still have) a dream where you could feel connected to each other, and conversation flows because you enjoy each other's company so much.
If you are in one of those cycles where things are feeling a bit dry and repetitive, you might be getting frustrated and maybe a bit bored. You also might be wondering if you’ll ever be able to recover from this and start to get interested in each other again.
As you consider the ways to change the dynamics in your relationship and start to feel connected again, it might help to draw from some of the research that John Gottman of the Gottman Institute has found. Dr. Gottman found that deep friendship is the foundational component of a happy couple. Being friends with your partner is the root of commitment and trust. Once you have that commitment and trust in place, you can then begin to build intimacy and satisfying sex.
In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman states that couples with deep friendships have:
“…mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. They tend to know each other intimately — they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”
Sounds simple, right? Or at least it did at the beginning of your relationship. If you’re that couple who has nothing to say to each other when out at a restaurant, a deep friendship with your spouse might feel like a huge mountain to climb.
That’s why you start out small. If you start out small, you can build some success for both you and your spouse. In this case, starting small can look like beginning with some easy questions that don’t have a double meaning to them, or something that you know is going to start a fight.
Return to questions that you asked when you were first starting to get to know each other. These are open-ended questions that invite a full response and more detail than a simple “yes” or “no”.
We want to help you get started. Why not try out the questions below at your next dinner time together? Even if you think you know everything about your partner, their answers might surprise you!
10 questions to help you connect with your spouse
If you could go back and relive your favourite summer vacation which one would it be?
Who has been kindest to you in your life?
When you imagine us 20 years down the road, what do you see?
What did you want to be when you were in grade three?
Which superpower would you prefer to have – hear everything, know what people are thinking, or be invisible?
How do you feel about our house? If you could change anything about its architecture, what would it be?
If you have kids: What kind of person do you think our child(ren) will become? Any fears? Any hopes?
How do you feel about your work right now?
What is one place in the world you have always wanted to visit?
If you could have one day by yourself to do whatever you wanted, what would you do? What would you eat? What would the weather be like?
Want to spice up the conversation a little bit once the kids are in bed? Here are two more questions to get you started!
Is it important for you to have an orgasm whenever we make love? Why or why not?
What is it like for you when you have a climax? What are the physical sensations? What do you feel emotionally?
Another option for starting with small, connecting questions is to explore the iPhone and Android app that the Gottman Institute has created – Card Decks. There are multiple card decks of questions in here that invite you to enter into each other’s worlds and get to know each other again. The advantage to using the list we’ve provided or this app is that the questions are coming from a neutral place, and makes it easier for you both to agree whether it’s safe at this time or needs to be put aside.
We hope this has been helpful. If you would like some more, intentional help for your specific situation, please feel free to reach out to one of our couples counsellors at Panorama Wellness Group. Lisa, Whitney and Duncan are available to help you find a connection with your partner again. Contact us at info@panoramawellnessgroup.ca to book your appointment now.
Lisa Catallo is the Owner/Director of Panorama Wellness Group and works primarily with women and couples. Helping you find connection with yourself and your spouse is one of her top priorities in her work as a counsellor.
