How can marriage counselling help you?

The other day, I was telling another therapist that I work with couples, and her response was “does couples counselling actually work?”.  This response is not uncommon!  According to John Gottman, it takes couples an average of six years before they will seek out help with a specific issue with their marriage.  I wonder if your partner would let you go six years of dealing with a constant cough?  Or would you let your spouse wait six years before confronting their best friend with something that is driving them apart?

You may think that marriage counselling is only for those times when an issue in your marriage is bad enough that you need to get some help.  Or it’s the thing that you turn to when you feel your relationship is over so that you can say you tried everything. 

And yet, I’d like to encourage you to consider looking into counselling for your relationship before things get too bad.  What if you looked for help three years into the issue you’re facing or even earlier?  What would marriage counselling do for you then?  How can marriage counselling help you?

Prevention

The saying “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” fits well with couples counselling.  The idea of being proactive in your marriage has been proven to be three times more effective than intervention.  Does the idea that it is easier to stop something from happening than it is to fix what is broken ring true as you think about your relationship? 

Marriage counsellors pursue specific training to help you find tools that can help you be proactive in different areas of your marriage.  They can help you learn how to communicate better with your husband so that your conversations stay calm rather than escalating into fights.  They have proven solutions for how to change things in the bedroom so that your sex life can recover from the change that babies can bring to your relationship.  They can help you identify what you are feeling and find ways to express those emotions so that it is easier for your partner to understand and empathize with you. 

It can help to think of marriage counselling as “grounding”.  If grounding allows you to get yourself out of the past or present and focus on what is happening right now, then participating in marriage counselling can act in much the same way.  You may find that you are uncomfortable because there is an issue building in your relationship.  You aren’t yet consumed by it, and it’s the focus of every interaction with your spouse like it might be in five years.  This can help you address the area of conflict now in a way that helps you both have a clear perspective, take the appropriate share of responsibility in the topic, and work together to find a resolution.

Communication

How many times have you said “you aren’t listening to me!”, or “I wish he understood what I am trying to say”?  Marriage counselling can help you find ways to talk to each other so that you are actually hearing what your spouse is saying and feel heard when you speak.  The advantage to learning these skills earlier in your relationship is that you build a place where you feel safe, connected and heard so that when things do get tough, these skills are second nature and help you weather your storms better.

Getting marriage counselling to help with your communication is like taking a multi-vitamin to support your body so that you don’t get sick, instead of waiting to get antibiotics each winter.   

A couples therapist can help you learn how to understand your partner as opposed to try to solve their problems.  This can include skills such as calmly putting your feelings into words which can help both you and your spouse slow down and take the time to understand your needs at the moment and create an atmosphere of working together.   

You can learn how to ask open-ended questions.  These types of questions help your partner feel that you are truly caring about them, as opposed to trying to solve the problem and either dismiss the underlying need or move on as quickly as possible.

A counsellor can also help you learn how to express validation, or empathy for your partner. Doing this means that you are able to communicate that you hear them, and their experience makes sense and is valid.  It doesn’t mean that you have to totally agree with their conclusions, but that they might have a different perception of what has happened because of something they’ve lived through, and that’s okay and accepted.

Perspective

Going to a marriage counsellor can help you to gain a different perspective on what you are working through in your marriage.  The difference between going to your best friend or someone trained in this area can be the difference between venting and getting practical, effective tools and advice.   

The advantage to having a counsellor work with you is that they are not involved in your daily life, and do not have a prior relationship with either of you.  They are able to sit and listen to you with a neutral mind and look for different ways of approaching a difficult subject or shedding light on something you might be missing in the midst of your emotion. 

There is also the idea that just the act of showing up for a counselling appointment means that you both value your relationship enough to make it a priority in your time and finances.  Setting aside an hour or more each week to focus on the most important relationship in your life shows your spouse that they are important to you.  This can go a long way toward ensuring you’re not back there in six years and in distress.

If you are considering trying marriage counselling to be proactive and help your marriage before too many things build up, learn how to communicate better, or get a different perspective, please contact us at info@panoramawellnessgorup.ca to book an appointment.  We would love to help you build a relationship that is strong and thriving!

Lisa Catallo is the Owner of Panorama Wellness Group and provides couples counselling. This is an area that she is especially interested in, as relationships and connection are so important to the wellbeing of us as individuals and the children we are raising.