Five Ways to set Healthy Boundaries this Thanksgiving
As October begins, most of us are thinking of all that we love in the fall: the changing foliage, cozy sweaters, and all things pumpkin. October also brings with it the Canadian Thanksgiving, and for many, the tradition of gathering with loved ones. Some people look forward to a chance to reconnect and reflect on what they’re grateful for; however, some dread the Thanksgiving festivities and all of the uncomfortable social interactions the celebration brings. Though this year’s Thanksgiving celebrations will likely look different for many of us during the pandemic, it can be helpful to review our boundaries in preparation for what you might face on the holiday.
First, what are boundaries? In counselling, we use the term boundaries to denote the difference between self and others, and to clarify what is safe and unsafe, okay and not okay, in our relationships. Boundaries can be physical or emotional, situational or consistent. It is helpful to establish and maintain boundaries in relationships because they can help us protect our time, energy, and self-esteem. And, contrary to what you might think, boundaries can help enrich relationships by letting others now how they can best care for and respect us according to our unique needs. In this way, boundaries help shape and support positive relational experiences, whether it’s with a friend, relative, partner, or acquaintance.
Below are 5 helpful strategies for establishing and maintaining boundaries as you look ahead to the holiday season:
Know Before You Go: What are your boundaries? What do you want more of or less of in your relationships? What went wrong in past situations that make you feel uncomfortable, that you would not want to be repeated? Having a clear sense of what your boundaries are is important for being able to detect when they are being violated and feeling confident in maintaining them. A few examples of boundaries that might be helpful during holiday gatherings include:
Not talking about politics or religion
Expecting respect when people talk to you
Saying “no”
Refusing to answer intrusive questions about your relationship status
Declining to participate in gossiping
Choosing how much information you are comfortable sharing about your personal life with different friends or relatives
Choosing to decline hugs to protect your personal space
Meet Your Worries with a Plan: If you have specific, “what ifs,” that you’re afraid of, come up with a plan of how you would cope with them! For many of us, we get stuck in the imagining the potential fear and discomfort of a possible embarrassing event and get swept into worrying without a solution. If, for instance, you’re worried about your mother commenting on the food you’ve brought, or your uncle pestering you about your dating life, or a buddy pressuring you to drink, then try to formulate a plan of how you could communicate a boundary or excuse yourself from the situation. Ideally, write out the solutions or strategies you come up with on your phone, or a piece of paper you can have available before the event, so that you know your options if you do encounter your “what if” scenario.
Practice A Few Catchphrases: When we’re feeling pressured or stressed, we aren’t able to think clearly, and problem solve like we normally would. This typically results in our mind going blank, or difficulties thinking through an uncomfortable situation where we might feel our boundaries being crossed. Ahead of the event, practice a few go-to phrases that you can use during the gathering to help you get out of tricky situations. These phrases can help you turn down a request, change the subject of a conversation, or excuse you from the room depending on what you need in the moment. A few examples are:
“No thank you, but I appreciate the offer!”
“Be right back, I need to step outside for a minute.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about that. Can we talk about [another topic] instead?”
“I’m not okay with that.”
“I need to head to the bathroom – can we continue this conversation in a few minutes?”
Plan Breaks: Depending on how long the festivities last, you may find you need a break! Whether it’s to step outside and clear your head, escape the loud noise of the kitchen, or mentally rest from numerous conversations, try and plan breaks throughout your evening. Aim for at least one break per hour—or more as needed!—even if it’s just for a few moments. This will help prevent mental, physical, and emotional fatigue, and help you to enjoy yourself throughout the event. Breaks can also help you feel more in control of your time and energy, especially if you feel continually drawn into conversations or activities.
Make an Exit Plan: Having a goal of when and how you’ll leave (and knowing you can change that as needed) might help you feel comfortable during your Thanksgiving festivities. Come up with a plan for keeping your time at the event limited if you’re concerned about fatigue. If you are concerned about a specific “what if” occurring, make it a part of your plan that if said “what if” occurs, you leave. This can be a way to claim your time as your own and determine a clear start and end to the festivities.
Whatever your Thanksgiving looks like this year, it can be an important and meaningful practice to review your boundaries and be clear on what you want (and don’t want) in your relationships this year. For more helpful reading, check out this info sheet.
Serena Graf, MA, RCC is a counsellor at Panorama Wellness Group in Langley, BC. She is passionate about helping you form healthy relationships with yourself and others. Learn more about her here.
