3 Simple, Time Saving Ways to Connect with Your Partner
Sometimes when your “to do” lists feel unending, the idea of connecting with your partner can feel like one more thing on that list. You would love to just float away to some tropical island and have unlimited time to focus on your relationship, but when you wake up to a blaring alarm, complaining kids, or a snoring partner, the reality of life sets in. You go from task to task only to discover you are two ships passing and some days you might start to wonder, is this is all there is? You could begin to experience loneliness, resentment, or disappointment if this goes on for too long. Your cup for connection with your partner is running dry and you might not know where to start to begin filling it.
There are some key ways to reconnect. You might find they require a little focus at first, but after a while they can become second nature. According to the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, relationships are sustained in the small seemingly insignificant moments that can often be overlooked. I want to share three simple, time saving ways to connect with your partner that are from the Gottmans.
The first way to connect is learning how to pay attention to your partner’s and your own bids. Bids for connection are attempts made by one partner to engage with the other for conversation, affection, humor, or support - there are 5:
Silent bids: Non-verbal expressions such as touching a shoulder, pointing at something, or eye contact.
Comment bids: Brief statements that invite interaction such as “Wow! It’s a bald eagle” or “There is a new store opening up in town”.
Question bids: Inquiries that require a response such as “What are your plans tonight?” or “Do you want some tea?”.
Playful bids: Good natured banter that both participants enjoy such as inside jokes or playful physical touch.
Negative bids: Can come across as attack, sarcasm, criticism, etc. with a deeper desire for connection that has gone unmet.
When you learn to become aware of these subtle bids in the midst of your busy life you can begin to fill your cup for connection. Recognizing the small gestures towards connection and noticing them when they happen rather than brushing past them will lay the groundwork for deeper intimacy.
You begin to notice the “bids” and start to respond but maybe you are finding this mundane or boring. You ask what your partner’s plans are for the day, and they tell you, which seems like talking to the check-out clerk at the grocery store. You might wonder how this can fill your cup. It is in the ordinary moments of life that connection can be the most profound. It is the small things that can sometimes make the most impact: the person ahead of you in line buys your coffee when finances are tight, a person holds the door of the elevator when you are late, or your friend sends a random text that they are thinking about you. Small things over time turn into major investments and remembering the importance of your investment in your relationship can spur on the next way to connect.
The second way to connect from Gottman is learning to turn towards your partner. Imagine you ask your partner about their day, and they share what their plans are and then you begin to talk about politics or the weather. Although the bid for connection occurred the potential for a deeper connection was lost. One way to ensure that the spark of a bid can be fanned into a flame is to turn towards your partner. When you lean into a bid for connection and start to engage with the next level of the interaction this will fill both of your emotional bank accounts. Remember the investment piece? This is where the rubber hits the road.
Let’s say you ask about your partner’s day, and they tell you about a packed day and then you respond by saying, “That sounds like a lot!” Suddenly, you have opened the door for more. Maybe your partner responds by sharing that they are feeling stressed OR maybe they respond by sharing that they wish they could spend more time with you. The point is that it opens the door to a deeper conversation because you have turned towards them. There is no guarantee that you will get the response you were looking for, but an open door is easier to walk through than a closed one!
Oftentimes the bids from your partner may come at the most in-opportune time. It might be very easy to ignore them rather than turn towards them. Maybe you finish cleaning up after dinner, finally get the kids to bed, and you settle in to watch your favorite show or you just want to finish replying to some emails from work and your partner comes in and asks, “What are you up to?”. You non-verbally look up from what you are doing as though to say what does it look like? They persist and start talking about some seemingly unimportant topic and you realize this is a bid for connection! Will you take the time to turn towards or will you throw up a personal care boundary and shut it down? If you are looking for more connection with your partner you will want to choose the first option!
The last way to connect from Gottman is to create rituals of connection which are intentionally agreed upon points of connection. These can be relied on and they happen within the context of everyday life. These rituals need to be planned ahead of time and be specific, so they become part of your routine. They ensure points of connection with your partner are prioritized. Some questions to consider are: Who will initiate? How often will it happen? Where? Or When?
For example: Having a ritual around coming/going or ending/beginning the day.
“______ will hug _____ every night for 3 minutes before going to bed”
Other options could be around mealtimes, coffee/tea dates, care for when sick, lists of favorites, physical touch such as hand holding in public or when watching a tv show, etc. What might work for you both? These rituals can become the bedrock for your relationships health and can ensure moments of checking in with your partner thus valuing them and you. Be specific and intentional to build rituals of connections that will fill both your cups.
Practicing these concepts could shift the tides and strengthen your connection with your partner. Hopefully, this can eliminate feeling like time with your partner is just one more thing on the list! If you find that you are struggling to incorporate these concepts and that you might need additional support with your relationship feel free to reach out to me or another counsellor at Panorama and we would be happy to help with this.
~ Kim
