Grandparents Day Reflection - Kimberlee Bateman
“Hey mom, I need some advice” my daughter states on the phone. I chuckle and reply “Are you sure?” She joins my laughter and emphatically says “Yes!” My daughter is currently in the throes of parenting a sassy 14 year old teenage boy and has two younger children on the same precipice. She genuinely wanted my perspective which truly lights me up inside! I have learned to choose very carefully when I share my view about parenting, knowing that most of time advice is not what my kids are looking for. They want support and encouragement along with reassurance there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been fortunate to have a brood of children (5 I carried, and 4 significant others added in) which also means that I have been blessed with a handful of grandchildren (5 in total). Grandparenting and parenting in tandem requires a certain skill set that no one ever talks about directly. There is a dance between being a support to your children while advocating for your grandchildren’s best.
What if you disagree with your children’s method of discipline or parenting style? Or maybe you just want them to benefit from the wisdom of your experience. The above banter between me and my daughter is the end result of learning how to understand my role as both a mom and grandma and its impact. There are a couple of things that seem to work for me and that are important points to remember:
1. Unsolicited advice is usually not what is needed no matter how much you believe it could help!
This one is imperative to helping your adult child feel supported and competent as a parent themselves. If you are always telling them the best way to handle something it is likely coming across that you do not have faith in them. Remember all the second guessing you did when raising your children? You do not want to add to this for your kids by inadvertently sending the message you do not believe in them. Try doing the opposite: let them know how proud you are of them, tell them they are doing a great job, or openly share the ways they have superseded you. The second point is similar but can help focus your energy more wisely!
2. Your influence is best served by building your relationship with your grandchildren.
Maybe you cringe every time your grandchild is scolded or maybe you think the rules being enforced are too strict or too lax. Although we have the benefit of our lived experience telling us how much “better” things could be if only they ____ (fill in the blank)! Your wisdom and experience is most impactful if applied to connecting to your grandchildren not correcting your children’s parenting choices. Learning to honour your adult children’s parenting even when it is difficult gives you a level of trust with your kids. They will feel respected and safe to do what my daughter did and openly ask for help when they need it.
Being a grandparent is a privilege that our children bestow upon us. If we conduct ourselves with respect and care all the relationships have room to flourish. If you find the delicate balance of these two roles difficult feel free to reach out to me or the Panorama team for additional support!
