Navigating Your First Christmas as a Couple
Perhaps this is your first Christmas with a new partner or as a married couple, and you’re wondering, how’s this going to go? The thought of sharing the holidays with a partner or spouse could bring up a myriad of emotions – excitement, relief, anxiety, curiosity, gratitude, sadness… you name it! Read on for some helpful tips for how to manage your time (and emotions) as a couple this holiday season.
Learning how to navigate our own families around the holidays can be challenging in and of itself, never mind figuring how to fit in with someone else’s family! When you imagine gathering around the dinner table or the fireplace with your partner’s family this Christmas, what feelings come up for you? See if you can actually identify and name an emotion here!
I’ll wait…
If the feeling you identified fits somewhere in the realm of ANXIETY, here is some food for thought for you:
See if you can list out the specific fears that contribute to your anxiety. Maybe these would sound something like: I’m worried I won’t fit in and it will be awkward. I’m worried my own family will be disappointed that I’m not around as much. This feels like a test of our relationship and I’m not sure how it will go. My partner’s family is so different from mine and I don’t know what that means for me…
Take a moment to acknowledge your fears/worries and then validate them. This is uncharted territory, so it’s okay that you’re not feeling 100% merry and bright about the situation. If your partner doesn’t know you’re feeling this way, is it possible you could let them in?
Expressing your concerns to your partner not only allows them to know and understand you better, but it creates an opportunity for them to be your “teammate” as you enter the holiday season. It’s likely that underneath your fear there is a need. Talking with your partner, see if you can identify one or two needs based on your fears. Maybe there’s a need for boundaries around how much time you spend with family. Perhaps there’s a need for your partner to stick close by your side at certain events or to bring you into family conversation. Maybe there will be a need to debrief afterwards and share what it was like for you to be around a family that operates much differently than your own. Whatever the case, practicing openness and honesty will serve your relationship well this holiday season.
Maybe anxiety and apprehension are the last things you’re feeling this holiday season, and instead you find yourself basking in GRATITUDE. For those who don’t have a close family of their own, who live far away from their family, or who struggle to be around their own families, having the chance to be a part of someone else’s traditions can bring about great relief. Alternatively, having a partner to take with you to family dinners can also bring support, as it alleviates pressure or diffuses tension. Take a moment to let your partner know that you really appreciate having them by your side. Couples who express appreciation towards one another are more likely to evoke positive feelings within the relationship, solidifying a sense of partnership and value. No need to get your partner a Christmas present – a healthy dose of appreciation is the best gift!
Conversely to gratitude, maybe the emotion that really prevails this time of year is SADNESS. For many, November and December are not months that embody “the most wonderful time of the year.” Instead, these months carry with them a sense of grief, loss, or dread. They are a reminder of loved ones no longer here, or they highlight the brokenness of family. If this is you, know that you’re not alone. It can feel so isolating to be surrounded by joy when all you can feel is despair. You are not expected to match others' enthusiasm for this season if that’s not where you find yourself. Be gentle with yourself and honour your own experience. Take some time to share with your partner how this time of year impacts you and invite them into your grief. They may not fully understand it or be able to make it all better, but they can practice turning towards you in your pain and learn more about how to be there for you.
Regardless of what family time looks like this year, perhaps you want to also focus on having time as a couple. You are building the foundation of your own family, after all! Traditions go hand in hand with holidays. Maybe there are new traditions you and your partner would like to start. Why not use this as an excuse to plan a date night? Hunker down and get cozy on the couch with a glass of mulled wine and share some of the traditions you most enjoyed growing up. See if you can go beyond just sharing the tradition, but also include what this tradition means to you – is there a fond memory associated with this tradition for you? Discuss new traditions you’d like to incorporate… A quick Google or Pinterest search is sure to spark some creativity here!
The holidays can feel like a whirlwind, and although there’s much good to be found this time of year, it’s also a complicated season for many. Remember that you can be intentional with how you engage with this season and the obligations that come with it. You can communicate your needs to your partner and invite them to share theirs with you. You can feel both joy and sadness at the same time. You can make this season your own.
