Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Couples

When we think about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) the usual assumption is that it is solely used with individuals diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, to reduce self harm behaviors, to decrease anger and other problems related to emotional regulation.

However, DBT can also be very useful and beneficial during couples therapy by focusing on skills to improve dysfunctional behaviors related emotional regulation as you interact with each other.  You may be wondering what this means or even looks like to use dialectical behavior skills as a couple.

Thinking about a time when you were in a high conflict conversation with your partner, it is likely that one of you were unable to think rationally, or one of you were activated emotionally.  During this conflict it may have been very difficult to have a rational conversation or even conclude the conversation because of the reactivate change to reactive state that you or your partner was experiencing.

Unfortunately, when you and/or your partner are in a high emotional state it is very difficult to regulate our emotions and stay in control of our behaviours.  This is why sometimes, as a couple, things can be said that are not so nice, yelling or using a sarcastic tone may happen or when extreme/chronic emotional dysregulation happens the result can even be physical behaviours.

This is where learning to use DBT skills and interventions as a couple would assist.  The change skills and DBT interventions can be used to improve the relationship’s connection, communication and create a more peaceful environment for the both of you.

Every relationship experiences moments of distress however it is how we navigate these moments that pave the road going forward.  If as a couple these distressful moments cause distance between the two of you or there are more hard times then good times is when emotional regulation can begin to appear in our relationship and cause poor communication, invalidation, disconnection and avoidance.

So now that you hopefully have a clearer understanding of how being emotionally dysregulated can affect your relationship.  Lets look at a few DBT strategies and skills that can improve your relationship. Please keep in mind that consistency and commitment are key elements to seeing improvements in your relationship.  Remember change takes time and patience, simply trying these strategies once without professional guidance could actually deteriorate your relationship more. These examples are simply to give you an idea of how a therapist may use DBT strategies to improve your relationship.  There are many, dozens of DBT strategies this two are to give you a glimpse of how to apply them.

Let’s take a look briefly at two DBT strategies to apply to couples therapy:

Identify/manage emotions

It is so important in order to be able to regulate intense emotions. Can you remember a time when you felt angry or extremely agitated?  What did that look like for you? Did you find yourself yelling? Did you say mean things to your partner to later regret saying them? What did your body feel like (biological response) at that time? How did your partner react to your angry behaviours?

A DBT strategy would be to change the above approach to  naming the emotion you are feeling at the time to yourself and/or to your partner.

This may sound like: I am feeling really angry right now OR I am starting to feel an emotion I need time to identify how I am feeling so we can navigate this situation.  Taking a moment to notice what emotion is being felt and then expressing it to yourself and/or partner can help to bring awareness to the situation and allow a conversation to occur as oppose to conflict.

Learning to name/talk about emotions and the biological response to the emotion can increase connection and improve communication.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a core DBT skill.

It means being present in the moment, paying attention to the now and slowing down the mind and body without judgement to manage conflicts with grace.

Think of a time when you and your partner were engaged in a conflict that just kept spiraling and there was no clear objective to what you were arguing about. Imagine if you both had the ability to communicate what was happening in the moment while it was difficult not easy, if there would have been a clear objective, or your ability to listen without judgement was available. Would the conflict have looked/felt differently?

You may be asking, how is that possible? Well, there are numerous DBT pocket mindfulness skills you and your partner can use to bring your mind and body back to the moment, such as using mindful listening, mindful touching or using mindful curiosity to engage in the conversation versus being defensive and in survival mode.

Imagine having a more peace, awareness and grace in your life and how that peace, awareness and grace could benefit your relationship.  If you feel your relationship could benefit by learning more about DBT and applying the skills to improve your relationship, please book a consultation with me. I offer services in BC and across Canada through online counselling.