Oh Baby, baby..How was I supposed to know!
It was late May in 2010. After prolonged labor, 5 hours of pushing, epidural, oxytocin, laughing gas, episiotomy and forceps, my kid was finally born. There was a wonderful nurse who stayed with me for 5 hours after her shift ended to support me until the end of the birth process. She was in tears and gave me a kiss on my forehead when my son finally came out. To be honest, she was more overjoyed than I was at that time. She was more mesmerized about the whole process than I was. As for me, I sobbed from the exhaustion and physical shock. At the same time, I felt like there was Gandalf inside of me telling me to, “RUN, you fool!”
Bringing a child into the world is often depicted as one of life's most beautiful and profound experiences like in a scene in one of those Hallmark movies. However, for many mothers, the reality of childbirth can be far from the idyllic image portrayed in movies and magazines covers. Birth trauma, encompasses a range of distressing experiences during labor and delivery, can have profound lasting effects on a mother's physical, mental and emotional well-being. These experiences include but not limited to previous trauma, prolonged or difficult labor, emergency interventions such as c-section or forceps delivery, feelings of loss of control or powerlessness during childbirth, complications such as hemorrhage or fetal distress, perceived lack of support or understanding from healthcare providers, and birth outcomes that differ from a mother’s expectations or desires.
Women experience birth trauma without always recognizing it as such because societal expectations often pressure us to view the birthing process as an inherent part of motherhood, thus minimizing our awareness of its traumatic impact.
Why did I bring up birth trauma? Because it can lead to postpartum PTSD and affect postnatal care. Postpartum trauma doesn't receive enough attention for several reasons. One significant factor is the societal, as well as self-imposed, expectation that new mothers should be happy and fulfilled after giving birth. This expectation can lead to feelings of shame or guilt for mothers who experience trauma or distress during the postpartum period, making them less likely to seek help or talk about their experiences openly.
Speaking from my own experience, my postpartum period, following my birth trauma, was one of the most challenging phases of my life. I distinctly recall one late autumn evening when my husband returned from work, and I couldn’t contain my anguish any longer. “I can’t take it anymore!” I cried out, grabbing my wallet and keys before fleeing the house. As I drove aimlessly towards the Edmonton airport, tears streamed down my face, and my screams echoed until my voice grew hoarse. We were far from the comforting embrace of family and friends, leaving me yearning for their familiarity.
Chronic sleep deprivation and constant hunger from nursing compounded my distress, while lingering discomfort from childbirth added to my burden. The overwhelming isolation tempted me to escape from everything. Yet, upon reaching the airport, I abruptly turned back. Thirty-five minutes later, I found myself back home, cradling my hungry five-month-old son in my arms as I nursed him.
Currently, I am part of a Facebook group for local moms, where discussions frequently center around the challenges of postpartum life with a new baby. Topics include the physical and emotional exhaustion from meeting the constant needs of a newborn, shifts in family and relationship dynamics, the sense of identity loss, sleep deprivation, and the journey of adapting to psychosomatic changes, among others. These conversations often evoke memories of my own experiences during the early years with my child,
Reflecting on those days, I realize now that I was quite unaware and lacked understanding of my own emotions, mind, as well as my physical and mental needs. Particularly during my time in acupuncture school, I began to understand the potential impact I could have had on addressing my physical and emotional needs during the postpartum period had I possessed the knowledge I acquired then.
But honestly, how was I supposed to know?
The whole pregnancy was geared toward maintaining a healthy pregnancy and planning for a healthy delivery. After the baby was born, my entire focus was on meeting the needs of this little creature who relied completely on me. The demands were so raw and immediate that, despite knowing I needed to take care of myself to tend the baby, instinct often overruled my rational thoughts. My husband recalls the postpartum period as akin to a battlefield. You can read about war, but living through it is an entirely different narrative.
As I wrap up this blog, I want to address a message to myself in the past. If you’re in the midst of the chaotic journey of new motherhood, I hope these words bring you solace. Please replace my name with yours.
“Dear Clara, sitting in the corner of the couch, cradling your baby while nursing,
You, my dear, are extraordinary. I say this with absolute sincerity. Every single thing you do, no matter how small it may seem, is remarkable. Trust me. I see it clearly from where I stand. Your every hug, every word, every sleepless night, and every loving gaze into your son’s eyes leaves an indelible mark on his being. He knows in his heart that he is loved and protected by you.
I know you’re anxious and striving for perfection. But it’s alright not to have everything figured out. Let me tell you, even 14 years later, clarity can still feel as clear as mud. So, allow yourself to stumble, to make mistakes, and then to rise again. If fear grips you, I’m here, ready to hold you tight and cheer you on.
Trust your instincts. Your intuition is uniquely attuned to your son. Listen to it. And when doubt clouds your mind, seek support. You’ve built a strong support network over the past 14 years. It will come to you, if you reach out.
Now, pay very close attention to what I’m about to say: TAKE CARE of YOURSELF! 14 years down the line, your body is undergoing rapid changes once again as you enter perimenopause. Your care now will help you during this transition in your life. Seek out that acupuncture for deep restoration and replenishment that your body desperately needs. Get that massage to unwind and relax. Prioritize that physiotherapy to strengthen your pelvis. Take those vitamins. Connect your awareness to your body because that awareness will serve you to make your bond with your son and your husband deeper and stronger. Do not hesitate to seek professional help for your inner struggles. Do not wait until it takes you over completely. Do not hold on to that pain you feel inside of you. You deserve to let them go, and they deserve to be released.
Your son continually blossoming beautifully. Accept that he is a totally different person from you. Give him time to figure things out on his own. Lastly, believe in your resilience and know that you are deeply loved every step of the way.”
Should this blog provide value to you and you seek additional resources for your postpartum journey, I’m excited to share that Panorama Wellness will be hosting a webinar series titled “Surfing the Journey of Motherhood.” Presented by myself, a registered acupuncturist, along with clinical counselors Jodi Bridges and Grace Nobleza. This series will delve into the mental, physical, relational, and emotional changes commonly experienced during the postpartum period. The first free webinar will commence on June 19th, 2024 (Wed). We eagerly anticipate your participation and hope to see you there!
