How to Deal with Unmet Expectations
As difficult as they are, expectations are part of life. Everyone has them – and yet when they are not met, it can be very painful. You can become so attached to the expectation of something that you might begin to see it as reality. And when the outcome isn’t what you expected, the loss can feel very real. You and I can both undoubtedly look back over the past two and a half years and recognize dozens of moments – big and little – of disappointment. Covid has taught us all too well that unmet expectations are an inevitable part of life. So how are you supposed to deal with unmet expectations?
One of my favourite authors Brené Brown, suggests that disappointment is unmet expectations and that the bigger the expectation, the greater your disappointment. Disappointment is a form of sadness. It’s uncomfortable. It can be painful.
Take a moment to think of the last real disappointment you experienced. I wonder whether you can recall what you were expecting? Give yourself a few moments…if you’re sitting in a painful space, please take a moment to acknowledge that you have suffered a little. I invite you to grieve, to spend some time being sad about that event, experience, or moment that you expected to happen.
There are some ways to navigate the reality that you will experience unmet expectations. It’s important to be able to do this, because if you begin to anticipate disappointment at every turn, you may begin feeling insecure, frustrated or maybe hopeless. These symptoms can lead you down a path of poor physical, emotional and mental experiences from depression or anxiety to poor sleep and even strained social connections.
Interestingly, not allowing yourself to feel all the feels can be more harmful than being sad, disappointed, angry – or any other emotion that comes up! You don’t need to minimize your feelings or push them down. Allow the wave of emotion to come, breathe through it slowly…intentionally…and with grace for yourself. It’s quite healthy to identify and acknowledge that you have experienced a loss of some sort.
Once you’ve been able to sit in, and feel your emotion(s), give yourself permission to let them go. This could take time depending on the size of your expectation and disappointment. If you’re struggling to release it, talking to a counsellor could be really helpful. You can begin to identify what it is that is holding you back from leaving it in the past.
For example, when you experience an unmet expectation and struggle to move through the emotion afterward, I might be curious about the meaning behind that expectation. Is there something deeper going on? What is it about this particular expectation that holds such weight? Are there things you have told yourself (perhaps unknowingly) about the outcome you expected? Is there some self-worth connected to this anticipated outcome? Exploring these questions curiously could help you understand why you are feeling certain things and whether there is a deeper meaning attached to this disappointment.
Meaning-making is an important part of healing because you attach different meanings to different things – and often you might not even be aware of this. You attach meaning to various things, based on your upbringing, life experiences, spirituality/faith, culture and even from what your parents or grandparents passed to you. Understanding this could help you avoid some future disappointment or heal from past unmet expectations, as you begin to uncover deeper meaning.
Sometimes reframing the outcome or its meaning can be very powerful. To reframe something is to simply try and see it in a different way – through a different lens. Reframing can be a hard exercise and it takes courage! When you reframe something, you get curious about why you hold certain expectations - this is a vulnerable place. You might question why you wanted a certain outcome, or why you expected someone to respond in a certain way. You might wonder why you reacted in a particular (unexpected) way! That could bring up unexpected emotions or you could come to realize that some of the stories you’ve told yourself to protect yourself, aren’t true. Brené Brown suggests that vulnerability is where love, belonging, joy and courage are born in her book, Rising Strong. But vulnerability does not usually feel easy, safe or comfortable.
A safer way to vulnerably reframe an unmet expectation is to begin gently asking yourself questions and writing down your thoughts and reactions. Getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper can be very therapeutic. It might help you begin to identify a pattern, a story you’ve been telling yourself for years, or it might help identify some facts of the situation, rather than assumptions you have held.
If you can hold a space to uncover meaning and reframe your disappointment, there is an opportunity to learn and grow from it. Perhaps there is a bigger lesson to learn? This might be an opportunity to shift the lens through which you view some experiences, what you attach to those experiences and change your reactions. Could a negative outcome lend itself to any sort of positive aspect? Not everything will (or even should) come up rosy but some things might.
It's important to hold space to acknowledge the disappointment that is birthed through the experience of unmet expectations. As a counsellor, I believe unacknowledged grief can often live in this space. Navigating how to process disappointment is an effortful but rewarding process. If you’re struggling to move past some unmet expectations, perhaps within your family or friend group, at work/school or with your partner, I’d love to connect with you. Together, we can get curious about what it looks like to heal from this while experiencing connection, love, self-compassion and joy.
