How Can You Be Present with Your Teenager?
The teen years can be such a challenging stage in your child’s (and your) life! Body changes, friend choices, academics, athletics, social media and technology stress, mental health…the list could go on forever! Teens are at such a formative age. Their brains have years to go until they’re fully ready for adulthood. Yet, they are trying to figure out their identity NOW!
How do you connect with our teen when they are navigating all of this?
How can you be present with your teen, and for this be a good thing for both of you and your relationship?
Do they even want you around? (Most days it might seem they would rather be with anyone else!)
While the teen years are challenging and riddled with change, they are also beautiful ones. They really need you to be present in their life, even if it seems they are communicating the opposite. All humans (teens included) need connection. Yet, when we reflect on the last few years, disconnection has been a globally prevalent theme. In fact, for nearly two years we were told to disconnect! We have been told that in order to stay healthy, we should not be present in each other’s lives.
One of my favourite child psychologists, Jody Carrington, highlights the reality that teens are living in a time, where disconnection is more prevalent than it has been in all of history. This affects their emotional regulation and their ability to stay calm when they are stressed. The way teens (and all of us) learn that they matter, is through relationships. This may seem like a lot of pressure, so let’s break it down a little.
Connection can happen in the smallest of moments of being together. It doesn’t have to be a weeklong family vacation to Disneyland! In fact, the research tells us that the most powerful moments of connection happen when we are present in the common, small and seemingly insignificant moments – not the annual trips.
Eye contact is something that is missing from our relationships, compared to generations past. It is deeply powerful because it is connected to your teen’s earliest moments in life. Whether your child came to you through birth, adoption, foster care or other, eye contact was something you likely sought from them, and them from you. When little humans make eye contact, there is a biological understanding that they are receiving attention and will likely be cared for. Eye contact (and even tone of voice) can trigger the release of a pleasure hormone called dopamine. It is a form of non-verbal communication that speaks volumes. Family dinners, games night, even a bowl of popcorn shared while playing their favourite video game (which you may hate!) can carve our moments for eye contact. Your presence in these few moments or hours is what they will remember. Your presence now, invests in future experiences. It builds trust through relationship and could be the reason your teen comes to you with their big problem down the road.
When we are present we can connect through shared eye contact, a laugh or even a few short moments of an experience. So, let’s take the pressure off, and talk tangible ways of doing this…
What’s your teen’s favourite treat? A Slurpee? A McDonald’s Big Mac? How about a 7-11 candy cup? Perfect. Hop in the car (or better yet, walk, bike, rollerblade) and enjoy the experience of a little junk food together. Without using words, this may remind them that you know this small thing about them, it matters to you, and you want to join them in what they view as pleasure.
Does your teen need to get somewhere? Rather than having a friend pick them up or getting them to bike, offer to drive them. It sounds funny, but your teen is trapped in a vehicle with you, what better time to be present with them?! Connection isn’t always about deep, meaningful conversation. It’s also in the little moments. It tells them you care. Ask them to share one thing they really want to do with you or your family this summer. Then together, plan how this can happen. Ask them to share one thing they really don’t want to do this summer. Find creative ways to help reduce the angst or disinterest in that thing. Your presence in these moments is influential – even if they don’t tell you.
Life is so full of stress and seriousness – what would it look like to do something that makes you both laugh…even if it is at you! What about hitting a bucket of golf balls together? This brings my teen a lot of laughs at my expense! It also tells him I am interested in his interests.
Whether you find it easy or difficult to be present with your teen, anything is better than nothing. Try and take the pressure off yourself and your teen to “go big or go home”. Carve out little moments of intentional time to share in something they enjoy, connect with eye contact, and be curious about them. You’ve done an amazing job raising your human into their teens. You have cared for and nurtured them, well. Now, it may just take a little more creativity!
As a parent to two teens and a tween, I am familiar with how challenging (and rewarding!) it can be, to be present with our kids. If you are struggling with parenting, communicating with your kids, or looking for ways to connect and create meaningful relationships within your family, you are not alone. I would love to connect with you. Sometimes simply talking about these struggles can cultivate ideas, help you feel less alone and bring hope.
