Build your connection through four dates
Let’s be real, “dating” your partner can be a challenge in the best of times… but during a pandemic? Yikes. Whether your relationship is new, or you’ve been together forever, my hope is to breathe new life into your dates. No restaurants? No problem. Going out for dinner is boring anyway! We can do better than that.
Before we get to the good stuff, I want to emphasize that dating is for every age and stage of a relationship. Research shows that pursuing your partner in marriage leads to a lower chance of divorce and increases the perceived quality of the relationship for both partners. One study done by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia showed that dating your partner at every stage significantly improves essential components of a relationship such as commitment, parenthood stability, happiness, and communication. If that’s not enough incentive to start dating your partner more, I don’t know what is! I know, I know… there are lots of things that can get in the way of making date night a priority. But the truth is, dates don’t have to be fancy, cost money, or even be time-consuming to be worthwhile— the point is simply to connect.
If connection is the goal, I’d like to think there are multiple avenues to getting there. I’m going to name four “avenues” and pair each with a simple date idea for you to try. So read on to learn how to build your connection through four dates!
Communication
Remember at the beginning of the relationship when everything was new and exciting? (Yeah me neither, but just humour me here.) Your partner was still a mystery and there was a certain thrill in getting to know each other… Well, I can’t guarantee that first date feels, but I can encourage you to keep getting to know each other.
Communication is an obvious way of connecting, but sitting down to talk can feel aimless at times. When working with couples in counselling, it’s important for me to help couples establish what’s known as “a culture of appreciation” within their relationship. Here’s my suggestion to bring a little direction to your conversation and rekindle that initial spark.
Date idea: Take half an hour before bed one night or while making lunch one day to answer these questions and increase your communication.
What qualities did you initially find most attractive about your spouse?
What other qualities have you grown to appreciate over the time you’ve been together?
What are some meaningful things your spouse has done for you?
How have your differences helped you grow?
What do you value about your journey together and the relationship you have developed over time?
Play
Maybe in the chaos and monotony of life, your relationship has become all work and no play. It happens to the best of us, but play is an essential and often overlooked element in a relationship. Think about it… it’s through play that we first learn how to connect with other people as kids! Just because you pay bills now and want to be in bed by 9:30 pm doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.
Date idea: Hide-and-go-seek.You heard me! Channel your inner child and play a game of hide-and-go-seek at home or in a park. Then go for ice cream afterwards!
Intimacy
Even prior to the pandemic, it can be challenging to find times of intimacy, or even to desire times of intimacy. Couples are pulled apart by the demands of work, parenthood, and stress. Sometimes the desire is there but the time or capacity is not. Sometimes the desire slips away, which is very normal, but it’s also something to pay attention to. In relationship expert John Gottman’s book, What Makes Love Last?, he notes that emotional devotion enhances a couples’ sex life and vice versa. This seems obvious, but it can become a back burner thought if we’re not intentional about pursuing our partners emotionally. Sex life is fluid and dynamic – impacted by any number of factors. This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. But building a great sex life is about emotional connection. So, my suggestion? …Talk about it!
Date idea: Talk about what turns you on. If you’re not comfortable saying it out loud, write it down… And see where you go from there! Here is a couple of prompts to get you started:
When we have loving sex, I feel closer to you. I want to share with each other what pleases each of us sexually and how we can make each other feel connected in this way.
I like it when we have foreplay before sex. It gives me time to warm up and I feel way more willing to engage.
Creativity
Try something new together! Create something together. Shared experiences are a great way to make memories and feel closer to your partner. It doesn’t have to be expensive and you don’t even have to leave your home…
Date idea: Blind baking. That’s right. This one is guaranteed to make you laugh. Choose a simple recipe and gather the needed ingredients. Whoever is the least skilled baker puts on a blindfold while the other guides your hands through the steps of the recipe. (Maybe take the blindfold off before you open the oven!)
So there you have it. Thinking about connection as something to be attained through the avenues of communication, play, intimacy, and creativity can be a more intentional way of pursuing date nights. Feel free to come up with your own ideas for each of these avenues and let us know how it goes!
Whitney Regan is a Clinical Counsellor at Panorama Wellness Group. Whitney helps couples find connection and healing through practical tools for resolving conflict and enhancing communication.
