Grandparents Day Reflection - Lisa Catallo
There’s a Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, so I imagine it makes sense that there’s a Grandparents Day! I have heard about this day off and on through the years, but because it’s not so celebrated in media or society, it hasn’t really been something that we have acknowledged in our house.
And now I’m a grandma!
So everyone should celebrate Grandparents Day, right??!!!
Ha!
As we decided to write some reflections on this grandparents day, I’ve been reflecting on my experience of grandparents and how that has shaped my life and those of a lot of my clients.
I have one grandpa that I had a very special relationship with. I always felt that I was his favourite whenever I was with him. When he held my hand or gave me a hug I felt deeply and thoroughly loved. He had the most amazing laugh and twinkle in his eye. And I always swore that I wanted smile wrinkles like he had. He was one of my biggest supporters in everything that I did in life, and I miss him terribly, even though he died over 25 years ago.
My other grandparents were quite different. I always knew that they loved me, but they were quite a bit more distant. (They also preferred the boy cousins to us girl cousins :P ). I remember swimming in the pool that they had, and how we would always have KFC with them. My grandma had this fun little car she would drive around in, and thoroughly enjoy her independence. I also remember my grandpa coming over to my house when I was a single mom and he would be with my kids on a few weekday mornings each week, and make sure that they got off to school (after napping in the chair while he waited for them).
Now that I am a counsellor, the idea of grandparents has become even more prominent to me. I find it interesting that when I ask clients to describe a place where they have felt safe, they typically either describe a place near water or their grandparents home.
If you do grandparenting well, you can become a safe and loving environment where these kids who are related to you by blood know that they are accepted and safe within your house and your presence.
And so now as I have started my own journey of being a grandparent, I feel like I have some big shoes to fill! I want to be like my one grandpa, and have my grandchildren feel safe and loved just by holding my hand. I also want to be the one who will be available to help out or just to sit and listen when they need someone other than mom or dad to talk to.
So how can I be that person while also respecting my own kids’ parenting styles and my energy level and capacity?
1. I’ve decided that while my grandchildren can feel safe to tell me anything, there will be times when I “tattle” on them, so that their parents can love and support their children as well as me.
2. I am not their parent. It’s my job to support my children as they parent my grandchildren, but I don’t have to set rules or discipline. I just get to keep the environment safe, and not feed them too much junk :P.
3. I will be available. For me that means that I will participate in caring for my grandson once a week to help out with daycare. I imagine that will change over time. One of his other grandparents live in the UK, and they make sure to come and visit as much as possible, and also do a lot of Facetime calls so that he knows them and that he is loved.
4. I will also protect my energy. If I want my grandchildren to feel safe and loved, then they need to be around a grandma who has the capacity to provide that. So I will do what I need in order to care for myself while caring for them.
5. I will love, hug, and kiss them as much as possible (even though it means I get sick way more often than normal!).
Our experiences of grandparents are likely as wide as our experiences of parents. I hope that you have had a positive experience like I have, and I am also aware that you might be feeling a bit of a loss if you haven’t had that. Please know that we are here to support you if and when you want to process what this relationship has meant to you and your life experience.