Do you want a better relationship with your dad?

Father’s Day is just around the corner and many people are rushing around on the days leading up to the big day to find the perfect gift and appear to be happy about it…. BUT are they truly satisfied with their relationship with their father???  

Are you someone that carries feelings of sadness, rage or even pain when you think about your relationship with your dad? Are you looking for a better relationship with your dad?

All relationships have flaws and many people do not have the ideal relationship with their father.  There are many factors that can strain the relationship between father and son/daughter such as divorce, absence, rejection and disappointment just to name a few. Then there is the perfect father, the father everyone looks up to, the over-involved father, the father you could never impress or maybe you never felt good enough.  

Why does this matter? Because the first important man in your life and the impact they had on you will follow you and play a huge part in your life. 

IMPORTANT to note: this is not to say that this impact can not be resolved…. Keep reading ….

Many people have unclear emotions and unresolved conflicts because they have a fear of letting it out. The fear of having to feel the pain and hurt that comes with talking about the past. It is hard to allow ourselves to revisit what wasn’t the best father relationship, or to remember how he wasn’t “the perfect dream dad” for you. Do you ever watch a movie and see the perfect father/child relationship and cringe and/or become sad? These feelings and emotions are real and yes, far from ideal.  

I gently want to say in the most meaningful way that it may get but there can definitely be times when feelings and wounds resurface as you go through life. Your hurt, pain and anger may appear in your current relationships with your children, feelings of quilt, you may have challenges with authority, or in love relationships.  

Maybe deep down, if you are experiencing feelings of pain and hurt whenever you think of this important relationship, you are longing for your father’s love/approval/presence and want to repair or create that relationship. Remember…. what was the original writing on the slate of your life can be re-written.  Slates are great that way, they can be erased and you can rewrite the final answer by work, forgiveness, and self love. 

Yes, tackling this unresolved hurt won’t be easy, and,  in fact it will be one of the hardest challenges you may face. Inevitably you will experience a myriad of emotions while you revisit past memories; however if you put the work in your end, the result could be a little less pain, a little less hurt and new found strength in yourself.  

I am going to give you some insight on how we would start to resolve this pain and hurt in therapy and some ways you can start to think about it yourself.  

First, I would have you think of what bothers you the most and then ask yourself, why? 

I would ask you to be curious about where these feelings come from and how they are affecting you now. How has your father influenced your life in the past? Do you still feel the impact in the present moment? The most important part of our time together is providing you a place to feel safe to vent and talk about the unsettled/tangled web of memories, fears, feelings. Once it is out in the open, you can begin to move forward; recognizing both the positive and negative influences, forgiving the negative ones, celebrating the positive ones and taking control of your own reactions to the same.  

Second, how deep is the desire for you to repair the damage with your father? 

Are you starving to connect deeper with him? Is there a longing to address the issues together? Would he even consider a joint therapy session? As this option considers another person, it is important to remember you might not want what you get out of it. Are you prepared for that outcome?  What if your father does not accept or give credence to your experience of the past? Will expressing yourself be enough to help you move on regardless of the response? These are important questions to ask yourself before you move forward in this direction. 

Lastly, maybe you have thought about all the above questions and have set boundaries with yourself and your father, and that is healthy too. 

Have you found the strength and willpower to not allow the emotional influences impact your relationship further? If so, continue to use the skills you have found within yourself and continue to practice them within other conflictual familial relationships. 

My hope for you is to no longer feel conflict with your father and to find a new way -  to move forward feeling emotionally strong and then carry that into your family life, love life, your friendships and most importantly within yourself. 

If a any part of this blog resonates with you and you want to book a virtual appointment please reach out to me.